juxtaposed, i suppose…

Hello, friend…

I’m currently in my hotel room in Montréal trying to be as quiet as a mouse while my dearest sleeps. We got up early for the free hotel breakfast, which was busier than a Taylor Swift concert, ate, and he’s now fallen back into a pancake induced slumber. Whereas I am debating about going to the museum (I absolutely love to visit the Musée des Beaux Arts whenever I’m here) or take my book to a nearby café. But both require leaving our cozy room to venture into the chilly weather… hmmm.

Either way, I feel a bit like the madness of the past 72 hrs has come to a pause & in all honesty, I feel a bit lost. Without going into great detail, someone I love dearly & whom I have known my whole life had a terrible accident this week. And we were left just waiting to know more and plan next steps and sit and wait for a few days. Which I knew in the moment was taxing, but also now, as I feel myself unravel slightly… I can feel anxiety’s grip relaxing a bit now that we have an idea that things are on the up and up. And my only worries are how do I adjust things on the calendar if need be? But, those worries aren’t too dire. Because you can only plan so much, then life does what it does. It reminds us, gently or harshly, that there is a clock.

I’m someone who has great interest and curiosity about what was here before me, my ancestry, and how I got here- who laid the groundwork for my path… I understand one day I’ll no longer be here, which I find so scary & intriguing in the same breath. When time is short, it is short. When time is long, it is short. That four years ago this month, this day I had no idea the world was about to close up shop for Covid-19? That was four years ago! Four! How?! My dearest friend, Aaron, whom I have known since high school- we grabbed a coffee the other day at an old high school haunt, and while we are now 30 some odd years older and he’s an accomplished actor & filmmaker and I am doing whatever the heck it is that I do… it seems like no time has passed at all. Yet, the comedy clubs he’d let me take him to when we were teens are no longer there on Lombard Street. But now, he knows to listen for me on CBC Radio later this year. 😉💋

Four years ago, about this time, I was in Montréal hoping to be where I am now. Doing weekend shows, my face on the poster. And then life just changed course & I wondered is that all there is? I don’t get to do this anymore? And then someone yelled pivot! And well, here we are. And I have hope to be somewhere else- new goals are on the board. I have been involved in the Toronto comedy scene ever since I met Aaron, back in the 1990s, and I’ve seen sooooooo many people and places come and go. And somehow, I got a 2nd act. And I wonder what my 3rd act will be like… I’m always looking ahead, sometimes forgetting to be present- but not too often.

You can reinvent yourself. Whether you think you’re ready or not.

Xo.

Grow baby, grow.

lists.

Hello, friend…

Okay. One more blog entry for 2023.

I read the fabulous blog The Isolation Journals (you should too, go subscribe here: https://open.substack.com/pub/theisolationjournals/p/the-five-lists-ebe?r=iuthd&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email and today, Suleika posted her Five List writing prompt.

“In place of resolutions, journal your way into the New Year with five lists.

1. What in the last year are you proud of?
2. What did this year leave you yearning for?
3. What’s causing you anxiety?
4. What resources, skills, and practices can you rely on in the coming year?
5. What are your wildest, most harebrained ideas and dreams?”

So! Here are my answers, I encourage you to journal and answer these as well.

What in the last year are you proud of?
I am proud of the short documentary that I co-wrote and co-directed, Janelle Niles: Inconvenient (it’s streaming in Canada, hopefully more of the world in 2024). This time last year, as I was preparing to shoot the film- I was so unsure of what would happen to it and it has done SO well. I am proud of my debut comedy album coming into the world, Sugar n’ Spice & Smirnoff Ice (available on all the things- Spotify to Bandcamp). I am proud of all the comedy road miles I put in, I am proud that I did not throw-up on an extremely bumpy flight out of LA during the “HurriQuake” of 2023, I am proud of the creations I put into the world this year from podcasting to food and I am proud (and so happy) that my boyfriend decided it was time to introduce me to his kids. Having our film No Responders Left Behind screen at the 9/11 Memorial & Museum in NYC was a huge honor, only topped by people personally thanking us post screening. Seeing my name in CNN when it played on the channel this fall… then hearing my brothers band in the closing credits- huge huge pride there.

What did this year leave you yearning for?
I think 2023 left me yearning for peace- both in the world around me and personally. Personally, I put a lot of art into the world in my own little way but yet I still look to my friends and my peers and I compare. I leave 2023 yearning for peace and quiet in my brain, that I just have gratitude my offerings to the comedy world- whatever the size- happened in the first place. It’s okay not to be on any year-end lists, just as it’s okay to be on them!

What’s causing you anxiety?
Professionally, this was a good year and I’m anxious to see what I will create next. Will it be enough? I think there is nervous excitement there, because I have ideas and hopes for what my offerings for 2024 will be. And 2024 itself is causing my anxiety- the world is in a bad space and I’m worried about elections and the continuation of wars and it’s just a lot if I sit and think about it too much.

What resources, skills and practices can you rely on in the coming year?
My ability to write, to produce, to edit are all things I can rely on. When I’m in doubt, I can write- if only to clear my own head and get me back on track.

What are your wildest, most harebrained ideas and dreams?
Okay let’s go big here… Make a documentary with Questlove, write a screenplay (I have an idea and it’s a really good one!), get a series on Food Network, showcase for Just For Laughs & MAKE IT TO JFL in Montreal, take my one woman show (which is not yet written, but for the purposes of this is) to Edinburgh Fringe, get out of debt & cut up my credit cards and walk away from them knowing they are paid off… and… get a Green card so I can go get that dream job writing for Late Night with Seth Meyers in the US of A. Maybe get married? (I don’t know about that last one, really, it’s a nice idea but not a necessity… but I’d like to live with my boyfriend one day someday. That would be nice.)

xo.

My last morning in 2023 from my big bed at this Airbnb… a new year awaits…

soup’s on!

Hello, friend…

Well, the countdown to 2024 is on… one more day and then a new year is here. I don’t know where you are to celebrate (or ignore, as NYE celebrations aren’t for everyone)… but I’m up in the woods with family. At a cottage we’re renting, surrounded by woodsy delights. Definitely not a setting I’ve been at before to celebrate a new year and put the present one to bed, and I kind of like the idea of starting a new year in a new place. I’m not one for resolutions, but I like setting up a vibe… I pick a word to be my theme of my year, so literally being in a new place is a nice extension of that. And honestly, with the word the complete mess that it is, it’s nice to sit in a pocket of stillness and calm… with all that is happening around me, I’m looking out a window right now at a lake as the sun sets. Being present. And grateful.

Earlier, I was doing dishes while most of the house went out for a hike. My dad eventually joining me to have some soup my brother made. I made a comment it was a good soup, and my dad answered “Of Course!” with such bravado. As if I had said the most ridiculous of things. “Of course my son would make a good soup! He’s my son, after all!” For the record, I do not know how to make soup… good or not… but I can bake. “Of course!” I love my dad, but listening to him slurp soup was just… ohmygod. I put on a generic YouTube jazz channel to drown out the slurps and replace them with bebops; and then my inner voice reminded me while I hate this sound now, I will one day hate that it’s not there. And I angrily shrugged at my inner voice, knowing it was right. (And really, this goes for anyone I eat soup with, my dad or otherwise.) I kept the jazz playing though, just to be safe.

Where the sink is in the kitchen, with the window above it and the sunroom door just to the right – kind of reminded me of my mom’s cottage that we went to when I was younger. I used to look out that window sometimes, onto the back porch where family might sit and pretend that was the front of the house. I did that a lot as a kid, pretend front was back and up was down. I would take baths and look at the reflection in the water and wonder what that underwater world would be like to join… I still do that as an adult, to a degree. The fun part about pursuing art as a grownup is that play is a necessity. Heck, even if art isn’t your occupation, I think play as a grownup should be mandatory. Offices should have nap times! Milk and cookies at 3pm for all!

My word for 2023, by the way, was UP. Professionally, I made some nice movements up the proverbial ladder… new credits added to the resume… personally, some lovely moments to be a part of like my niece’s wedding. All things on the up n’ up! Which leaves me on the perch of 2024 not totally sure of what’s next, but perhaps that’s why I’m going with Balance as my word for the year to come. I feel trepidation about the year to come in many ways, but also excited with ideas in the proverbial fire… balance will be key because this decade is BONKERS… and play will be necessary next year. So necessary. Also, I’m heading into my 46th year next year… which makes me shake my head because I have the stability of a 12 year old crashing after having had too much sugar most days. As I get older, it sure is strange how it’s puberty in reverse and I’m re-learning everything over again. We get so many manuals and how to’s when we come into the world, I think a mid-life check in would be a great idea. Something like a multiple choice, with the popular answer being “I haven’t enough coffee today, I do not know.”

And hey! Maybe I’ll come out of 2024 with a really good soup recipe, too. It’s not a resolution, just an intention… and it’s all about having good intentions, right?

Well. Thank you for reading this year, and commenting as you do. It means a lot because I put these out with no idea where my words and thoughts will land. So I’m glad you’re there to catch them.

Of course!

xo.

Welcoming in 2024 on thin, beautiful ice

things get messy.

Hello, friend…

It’s late. But it’s been a day, and stress is keeping me up long past my bedtime. The road my directorial debut has taken me on has been a bumpy one. Some nice scenery but a bumpy path. And today after a meeting, I just started crying in my own company- wondering how much smaller these executives could make me feel. Knowing I’m just being asked about my feelings simply so they say words and not because the question comes with any empathy.

Anyway. Who knows. But my self-confidence takes a hit every time. And I leave wondering why I ever got myself into this mess. Ultimately, I know that I have a strong instinct for a story. I know deep down that there’s a reason I’m helping to birth another documentary. I do know that this one person who keeps standing on me to feel taller ain’t someone I will list as mentors when I get my big interview in Rolling Stone. Yes, I cried after my meeting but then I thought of another idea for a documentary and called a friend to get their thoughts.

So tonight as I got into bed, I noticed all the stars in the sky and I just took a moment to think of how I’m a decendant of people who, ultimately, survived the improbable. They are my cheerleaders, so to speak. I’m a decendant of French Huguenots, my Latvian roots staying strong throughout countless occupations of the country, I can trace my roots on one side of my family tree 14 generations! I have Basque in my bloodline- it’s not even a country! Basically, I come from a long line of survivors… so. Where does that leave me? Well. I will figure things out. I have to remind myself that. I will figure things out. Wherever my career is going, without a map, I know I can follow my gut. I know I have strong instincts. 😌

Xo.

take one…

Hello, friend…

It’s been a long day.

Wintery weather.

Passing through a town named Tweed.

But here I am in Ottawa, in the cutest neighborhood I’ve ever seen- straight out of a Hallmark Christmas movie Backlot. Which explains why A LOT of Christmas movies are filmed in this town. I went to a café today where I half expected the protagonist to run in, exhausted and tell me the church bake sale can’t happen because there was a problem with their oven & the sale was starting in 2 hours…

But I guess I’m the protagonist here. Co-directing a short film! I am playing the role of Woman Who Has A Vague Idea Of What She Is Doing & Is In Charge. Our first day of filming was good. Tomorrow will be a full day and a hard day, but our team is solid so I have to leave it up to the movie gods that we get ‘er done. And as HARD as this has been and is, I had a moment where I looked at our set for tomorrow & thought “huh, all of this I created in my bedroom back in November- and it’s actually happening”.

I always ask my spirit guides to show me a heart ❤️ whenever I need to know if I’m doing the right thing, going in the right direction, if it’s going to be okay. And when we looked at the bedrooms in our Airbnb- I knew this was the one…

Signs, signs… everywhere there’s signs…

Directing is hard.

But, what is carrying me is the appreciation that people have that we’re doing this film which, I can’t talk about… yet.

And what is carrying me is a supportive family, friends, my marvelous boyfriend. And this team.

I don’t know what I’m doing doing this, but I’m here. The bake sake will go on!

Xo.

work in progress.

Hello, friend…

It’s 1am and I’m more not tired than tired. But I’ll crash out soon because that’s how it goes. Up at 1:06 am & fast asleep at 1:07 am .

I’ve been working on a project that I can’t speak of yet, but it had been inspiring me as much as it’s been frustrating me. Encouraging and discouraging. I’m at the helm and I’m having waves of dejavu from my debut documentary- this is hard, what am I doing ? to I can totally do this. I remember on that first doc thinking the next task ahead was insurmountable. And then we kept climbing.

So I’m looking at this project & a short film I need to get editing- about my experience of doing stand-up in pandemic days and which honestly was something I wanted to try and do all the parts simply as a challenge to myself… I’m looking at all of this and remembering a little card I once tore out of an Oprah magazine AGES ago that has traveled with me for ages… it’s been on my wall at work or as it is now, on my wall near my favorite chair…

I know what I’m doing. I just need to remind myself some days to believe it.

Xo.

when you wish upon a star…

Hello, friend…

It’s terribly late & I should go to bed but I have to get some thoughts out before my head hits the pillow. As I reflect on the day, it’s been “a day”. Good & bad.

Bad in that money woes are weighing heavy on my brain. As is the way when you’re an artist. Not everyone lands that deal or sells that piece right out of the gate! Some aren’t even around to see their work reach that level of fame they were so deserving of. But we stay the course because it’s our calling. Our work may affect millions of people, or 10 people. But we’re not here for any other reason than we love it & we’re consumed by it & we hope that whatever we’re tossing out there sticks.

And then you have that cold shower moment of clarity as you realize rent is due. And you ask yourself if now is the time to deplete your emergency savings as you look for work- any paying work- that allows you to pursue your dreams. And you start crying. And then you realize it’s only 11am. So you send a message in the group text with your friends to get some assurance your life isn’t about to go up in flames and you realize you have to get your shit together because in 60 minutes you’re filming a new episode of your YouTube baking series It’ll Be Fine: A Baking Show.

You have to bake a cake today, girl! There’s no crying in baking!!! You’ve read Like Water for Chocolate! You know your sadness will morph into your food!! So cheer up, for fuck’s sake!!!

And then the good creeps in.

You have a great time baking, momentarily forgetting the clusterfuck that is your financial status because you’re laughing as you make brown butter frosting. And texts from your boyfriend cheer you up. You finish some work, pack up to work a shift at a fave comedy club… little by little picking up some pocket change as the day rolls along. Booking a new stand-up show, too for good measure.

Ending the day, staring at the stars and knowing tomorrow you get to try this all again. Accepting that some days like these are hard, but… you know you’re doing the right thing. You’re on the right path.

After all, you’ve been humming this song ALL day for a reason. 💕

Xo.

44: day one…

Hello, friend…

I have wrapped up my first day as a 44 year old lady. There was so much food. There were hugs. Time with family. Laughter. Love. Simple things mattering more than ever.

Time is precious. We are still navigating pandemic life. Nothing is promised but much is hoped for. Not that long ago, 12 days ago to be specific, I fell and faceplanted on concrete. I just fell- no exciting tale… my legs just decided to try something different I guess. 12 days ago I was deeply scared, but today I’m doing GREAT. And I can now take ride in ambulance off my bucket list…

But when I fell, when I saw how cut up my face was, I worried about a full schedule of shows coming up & wondered would I be okay to do them? This was not a good time to fall. But. IS there a good time to fall? It’s not like we can coordinate when we fall- Monday at 4pm works. Ya know?

Days are precious. Don’t waste them. And if life requires you to be still for a bit, be still. The shows can be rescheduled or you will learn, as I did, you will be okay to go on with the show. But you will only learn that as the next day comes… be patient.

I say this to remind myself, because I forget and I worry. I judge myself. I get angry I didn’t do x, y or zee 5 years ago. It doesn’t matter, this moment matters. Tomorrow a film I helped make is up for a big award, and as much I’m dreaming of winning the big prize, I find myself a nominee and I’m in a group that I never imagined being in. A Canadian Screen Awards Nominee. Not everyone can say that. So whatever should happen at the ceremony… I am grateful. I wanted to tell someone’s story and we did that. And now there are more stories to tell.

At various points in making the documentary, at various points in my life, I have wondered how do I get through this? This is hard. And then you get through it… and the next part is hard again. And you continue… ask for help, rinse, repeat.

Change course as needed. Listen to your gut more. Know that being happy MATTERS.

I will always be creating. Because art is precious. And telling each other’s story is important. And eating all the food on your birthday is fun!!!! And when I think back 30 years to my 14 year old self who dreamed of being a sportscaster and a music video director… while that didn’t come to fruition, look what did girl!

Look what DID!

Xo.

Four pictures for 44

holiday…

Hello, friend…

It’s Christmas Eve & if you celebrate… Happy Christmas! Otherwise, Happy Friday!! We had a beautiful day here with my parents, my brother & his family and my aunt. A small group. A delightful day.

We all did our rapid tests, made sure we were okay and now… well, you just hope that we’re all OK! It’s hard. We were doing so well, but this dang variant just leveled up without asking us. Jerk!! So. You do your best. 💗

So I sit in my living room now, fireplace channel on TV, homemade hot cocoa w/ a dash of cayenne pepper in my mug & the Santa tracker on my laptop. All day with my niece and nephew we checked to see where Santa was. And though I am 43 & a 1/4… I will be in bed long before midnight because Santa’s coming, baby! I will be up at 5am. Because I am still 7 at heart. Did I buy my own Christmas presents? Hells Yes. Do I remember what I bought? Fuck no. 🤷‍♀️😅

I have no idea what is to come in 2022… my experience so far in the 20s are going about as smoothly as my own time in my 20s (ha!) but..! To borrow a phrase from Oprah, What I know for sure is that we have a new family tradition of making terrible Gingerbread houses on Christmas Eve & that you gotta take it all a day at a time. Be kind to others, take care of yourself and do your best.

🌲💗

Xo.

• 

where the streets know your name.

Hello, friend…

I went downtown tonight to do a set at the acclaimed club that is Yuk Yuk’s. Hadn’t been there in a minute. Got a spot on the ProAm night. 🕺

And I was a bit early, so I took a longer walk there despite the cold night air. Walked the underground tunnel I used to take daily on my way to work. The mall underneath the city always so full & busy. Tonight? Empty. It was late but also stores gone, likely a result of the past 2 years … but one store called Jazz Casuals is still there goddammit. It’s been there since 1998. Good on ’em.

The city was oddly quiet, save for a group of people exercising while dressed as Santa outside Roy Thompson Hall. I would have taken a photo, but I was afraid if I stopped they would have made me do push-ups with them.

In January it’ll be 6 years that I’ve been doing stand-up. And I still marvel at going to a place like Yuks- knowing who I’ve seen there & knowing someone is now seeing me there. I’m still very aware of how lucky I am, and I hope to heck that never goes away. Doing this brings me joy. Full stop. Do I wish I hadn’t been the only female on the bill? Yes. My comedy life online has taught me the diversity is out there!! But. That fight can be fought tomorrow. And it will be.

Being back on my old street made me sentimental, sure. I once lived in the heart of the downtown core. But I’m grateful that I live where there is space & trees & greenery. I got to make people laugh tonight & then I get to come home to the quiet and recharge. I like the balance.

Tonight was an interesting crossing of my old life & present one. I like walking the streets and remembering where I was when I first walked that stretch of concrete … but I never stop to look back. Full steam ahead!

Xo.

A wintery night downtown.