things get messy.

Hello, friend…

It’s late. But it’s been a day, and stress is keeping me up long past my bedtime. The road my directorial debut has taken me on has been a bumpy one. Some nice scenery but a bumpy path. And today after a meeting, I just started crying in my own company- wondering how much smaller these executives could make me feel. Knowing I’m just being asked about my feelings simply so they say words and not because the question comes with any empathy.

Anyway. Who knows. But my self-confidence takes a hit every time. And I leave wondering why I ever got myself into this mess. Ultimately, I know that I have a strong instinct for a story. I know deep down that there’s a reason I’m helping to birth another documentary. I do know that this one person who keeps standing on me to feel taller ain’t someone I will list as mentors when I get my big interview in Rolling Stone. Yes, I cried after my meeting but then I thought of another idea for a documentary and called a friend to get their thoughts.

So tonight as I got into bed, I noticed all the stars in the sky and I just took a moment to think of how I’m a decendant of people who, ultimately, survived the improbable. They are my cheerleaders, so to speak. I’m a decendant of French Huguenots, my Latvian roots staying strong throughout countless occupations of the country, I can trace my roots on one side of my family tree 14 generations! I have Basque in my bloodline- it’s not even a country! Basically, I come from a long line of survivors… so. Where does that leave me? Well. I will figure things out. I have to remind myself that. I will figure things out. Wherever my career is going, without a map, I know I can follow my gut. I know I have strong instincts. 😌

Xo.

take one…

Hello, friend…

It’s been a long day.

Wintery weather.

Passing through a town named Tweed.

But here I am in Ottawa, in the cutest neighborhood I’ve ever seen- straight out of a Hallmark Christmas movie Backlot. Which explains why A LOT of Christmas movies are filmed in this town. I went to a café today where I half expected the protagonist to run in, exhausted and tell me the church bake sale can’t happen because there was a problem with their oven & the sale was starting in 2 hours…

But I guess I’m the protagonist here. Co-directing a short film! I am playing the role of Woman Who Has A Vague Idea Of What She Is Doing & Is In Charge. Our first day of filming was good. Tomorrow will be a full day and a hard day, but our team is solid so I have to leave it up to the movie gods that we get ‘er done. And as HARD as this has been and is, I had a moment where I looked at our set for tomorrow & thought “huh, all of this I created in my bedroom back in November- and it’s actually happening”.

I always ask my spirit guides to show me a heart ❤️ whenever I need to know if I’m doing the right thing, going in the right direction, if it’s going to be okay. And when we looked at the bedrooms in our Airbnb- I knew this was the one…

Signs, signs… everywhere there’s signs…

Directing is hard.

But, what is carrying me is the appreciation that people have that we’re doing this film which, I can’t talk about… yet.

And what is carrying me is a supportive family, friends, my marvelous boyfriend. And this team.

I don’t know what I’m doing doing this, but I’m here. The bake sake will go on!

Xo.

work in progress.

Hello, friend…

It’s 1am and I’m more not tired than tired. But I’ll crash out soon because that’s how it goes. Up at 1:06 am & fast asleep at 1:07 am .

I’ve been working on a project that I can’t speak of yet, but it had been inspiring me as much as it’s been frustrating me. Encouraging and discouraging. I’m at the helm and I’m having waves of dejavu from my debut documentary- this is hard, what am I doing ? to I can totally do this. I remember on that first doc thinking the next task ahead was insurmountable. And then we kept climbing.

So I’m looking at this project & a short film I need to get editing- about my experience of doing stand-up in pandemic days and which honestly was something I wanted to try and do all the parts simply as a challenge to myself… I’m looking at all of this and remembering a little card I once tore out of an Oprah magazine AGES ago that has traveled with me for ages… it’s been on my wall at work or as it is now, on my wall near my favorite chair…

I know what I’m doing. I just need to remind myself some days to believe it.

Xo.

holiday…

Hello, friend…

It’s Christmas Eve & if you celebrate… Happy Christmas! Otherwise, Happy Friday!! We had a beautiful day here with my parents, my brother & his family and my aunt. A small group. A delightful day.

We all did our rapid tests, made sure we were okay and now… well, you just hope that we’re all OK! It’s hard. We were doing so well, but this dang variant just leveled up without asking us. Jerk!! So. You do your best. 💗

So I sit in my living room now, fireplace channel on TV, homemade hot cocoa w/ a dash of cayenne pepper in my mug & the Santa tracker on my laptop. All day with my niece and nephew we checked to see where Santa was. And though I am 43 & a 1/4… I will be in bed long before midnight because Santa’s coming, baby! I will be up at 5am. Because I am still 7 at heart. Did I buy my own Christmas presents? Hells Yes. Do I remember what I bought? Fuck no. 🤷‍♀️😅

I have no idea what is to come in 2022… my experience so far in the 20s are going about as smoothly as my own time in my 20s (ha!) but..! To borrow a phrase from Oprah, What I know for sure is that we have a new family tradition of making terrible Gingerbread houses on Christmas Eve & that you gotta take it all a day at a time. Be kind to others, take care of yourself and do your best.

🌲💗

Xo.

• 

clouds in my coffee

Hello, friend…

As I write this the sky is putting on the most magical show- the pinks and blues and whites are just merging together as the sun sets. I adore my apartment but mostly for this show I get each night. I stare at it with childlike wonder.

I used to own a condo and I used to stare at the man across the street in his condo with wonder. Mainly because he owned no blinds and liked to vacuum naked! I could never figure out what his hurry was that he had to abandon his plans to put on pants or boxer shorts. Anyhoo.

No, here I have trees and a park and this lovely community around me. Downtown a short walk away. It’s good for the soul. (With exception of the child in the apartment above me who has recently taken up playing the Recorder. Oy vey.)

But just before I prepared myself dinner, I took a listen to music the composer for my documentary has started on. It’s stunning. Seeing it put to picture will add a layer that I can’t even fathom. But the sample I got tonight? Wow. My documentary baby is growing up, guys!!! I may not have kids of my own, but the pride I have seeing this come to life? It leaves me speechless. I likely won’t have actual humans to continue my legacy, but I have these stories I’m sending out to the world.

I heard recently Jennifer Aniston mention that maybe she wasn’t put on this planet to procreate but to do other things. I get that. I relate to that 100%. I’m not shy to admit that anymore, I own my choices.

This week I made people laugh telling jokes. I saw articles I wrote come to life in a magazine. I’m helping to create a character for a new project that is a seeeecret… shhhh. 😉

But my point is… I’m leaving my mark in my own way. Making art and telling stories and daydreaming new adventures. Can’t get luckier than that.

Xo.