spring cleaning.

Hello, friend…

Spring has returned to Toronto! 🌹🌺🐇🐥 Hooray! I’m not sure what happened in the last week… perhaps Mother Nature had been dating some guy (let’s call him Steve) and perhaps she found out Steve was cheating on her. So she got angry and froze everything. Maybe that’s what happened. Thanks, Steve. Either way, I think things are back on track.

Spring is a tricky season. I hate it because I have allergies and everything in the environment drives me NUTS… but I also hate it because so many break-ups seem to happen in the spring. The weather is gorgeous! I’m moving on!! I’ve had two friends become bachelors again in the past week. Myself, well I had the pleasure of being sent packing via text message. That was nice… so… nice. I mean, it hadn’t been a long courtship but aaaaauuuggghhh…. text message?? Though I will give him points for not adding any emojis. 😕 I’m starting to think that as the groundhog predicts the upcoming six more weeks of winter/a hasty spring, well he should predict relationships too. Six more weeks of winter, and two more weeks until Bob tells you he’s at a difficult time in his life and needs space to think!

My mood has also been strange of late, my heart has felt heavy… but I did leave my bakery job and with turning 40 I’m so much more conscious of time. How delicate it can be. So maybe my body is changing as the seasons do… the news today that a friend gave birth to a baby girl today reminded me instantly that as much as there is loss, loss of jobs or relationships or your own groove… there is plenty to be grateful for. There’s growth all around me. Today my nephew (who is not yet 2) jumped into my arms and commanded me to run around the house as his mom chased us. He’d never done that before- it was really cool.

So. Spring is here! Along with the plants, we’re all trying to grow and become something bigger, right? So grab the allergy pills and get on with it.

Xo.

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48 – 40

Hello, friend…

This time tomorrow, I will be out of a job and 48 hours from turning 40. I’m not entirely sure how all my upcoming bills will get paid. I’m not entirely sure who keeps stamping my pass to continue on being “an adult”, because I still don’t feel like an adult. Some days I feel like I’m still in the sandbox and playing and just enjoying what a day brings. And then I’m shaken from my castle making shenanigans when I get a call from Visa telling me a credit card bill is past due.

But strangely… I’m not all that concerned. Should I be? Should I be concerned that I’m not concerned? It’s not that I’m not focused, it’s not that I don’t have goals… I’m very ambitious, I’ve definitely got some lady-balls because hell, I walked from a rather lucrative TV career to waitress in my mid-30s! And doing that taught me the value of happiness. I wasn’t happy in what I was doing, so I changed that. I discovered that I was a storyteller- I knew it all along, really but I actually forgot that truth about myself somewhere along the way.

My 30 year old self couldn’t have foreseen my doing stand up. I think my 17 year old self could have predicted it, but then I got a job and I bought my first home at a young age and I was doing the things a young adult should do… and…. AAUUUGGHHH. Why does life do that?? Why did I have to become what people thought I should be, and not who I wanted to be? ANYWAY.  I’m making my wee little mark as a stand up, though… lots of shows coming in April, and I want to get down to the States this year to try my hand at some open mics.

I dunno. For whatever the reason, I knew in my bones it was time to make a change again. Tomorrow I’m making a change. I listened to my gut. And so… (deep breath) off I go. I’ll send updates from the field…

 

xo.

let go

Hello, friend…

I was having a chat with my friend J the other day, telling him about a time when I really, really hurt someone I cared about. It’s been about 13 years since it happened and though we have long since made amends, he now lives (happily married) in California, every now and then I think about what happened. Every now and then, I knock salt into the wound. But as J reminded me, I’m not the same person as I was then… and the choices I made then aren’t ones I’d make now.

And he’s right. I am a different person, and I wouldn’t make those choices again. So, why is it that I still can’t fully completely shake off the guilt? As I get older, I know I have to let these proverbial weights off my shoulders. It’s not worth carrying. I walked for a bit after work, along a street we once strolled that Christmas everything went belly up; and as I walked, as sometimes happens, I got these flashbacks of us standing here and talking there.

What happened, you ask? A valid question. Well… when I met this guy, I was feeling amazing at having my first short film in a NYC film festival  AND I was on a high that came with the insane mood swings I had become used with being on the birth control pill. So when he met me, yes, I was INCREDIBLY attracted to him and I thought he was just the coolest cat. But I knew something was wrong with me, just couldn’t put my finger on it.  And then days later, “Aunt Flow” came to visit and stayed for 30 days. THIRTY DAYS. It was the beginning of my body & mental health hitting a brick wall. I went from this bubbly, “let’s do ALL the things” gal (who he once called “New York Kelly”) to this mean, bitchy, quiet wet blanket (a.k.a “Toronto Kelly”).

I meet this amazing guy… he came to Toronto to visit me at Christmas… and then a trap door in the floor opened up. And while it was scary, in hindsight, it was absolutely necessary because I didn’t realize how sick those birth control pills were making me. I just felt awful that I had to take this guy out in the process. He meet and falls for one version of me, and then my evil twin popped up and hijacked what was happening.

Why does that happen? Why is that life is humming along nicely and then BLAMMO,  surprise shit storm!

I hurt this kind soul because I just SHUT DOWN. I didn’t want to be touched, bothered… my anxiety hit 100%… I was needing to get all things done quickly and now... I cringe thinking about it all these years later. He whispered in my ear as we parted at the airport that Christmas “You made me feel like I wasn’t wanted”. And he was right, because I was the worst version of myself I’d ever seen. But had that not happened, I’d have continued on- convinced I didn’t have just anxiety & panic attacks and that I was getting worse and would need more treatment. My mental health fell apart that Christmas. But it was the best gift I could have received.

I needed to hit rock bottom, so to speak. I needed ALL of that to happen in order to turn a corner. It took a lot of time to get that birth control pill out of my system, it took even more time to eventually rid myself of the medicines I took to ease my anxiety & panic. I live my days now with meditation in my back pocket when I need to centre and calm down. I believe I am more empathetic and mindful now than I ever have been.

I can’t go back and changed what happened, how I handled that new relationship… but I can look back at it with gratitude. We made amends, as I said… forgiveness was given… and ultimately, it made me a better person.

xo.

 

 

dumb

Hello friend,

I realize the stupidity of what I’m about to say and I am trying to shift my focus to a positive gear… but I am genuinely crushed that my long-awaited date with a cute Frenchman got canned (by him) a couple hours before we were set to meet up. Once my hair was done and legs were shaved.

Btw- I knew the leg shave was a risky move. Every single damn time I’ve shaved my legs before an anticipated date- shenanigans emerge and not the good kind. Can someone remind me leg shaving is to be done if we make it to a second date and only then?!

Anyhoo. Yesterday had the makings of a perfect day- hair appointment, hot afternoon planned with a French guy and my debut at a well-established Montreal comedy club that night. And as soon as I got out of the salon, feeling gooooood… bam! He bails. And sends a sad face emoji.

And it took me a few to realize that my eyes were watering a bit as I looked at my phone. And then my inner Cher from Moonstruck had to yell “Snap out if it!” to myself… “You’ve got a big gig tonight!” ( okay- that second bit wasn’t from Mooonstruck but you get my point). My set turned out great, I met some genuine and cool folks at the club… I’m just so frustrated with myself that I’m a bit upset that he never matetalized and the date was a bust.

I’m a grown woman! Moderately successful!! I do a lot of cool shit!! But… I’m human with these dumb feelings.

Yes, I’ll go forth and cull from it what I can for a set.

Perhaps finding love is as hard as paying off my credit card debit. Hmm… there’s a joke there…

Xo.

20,30,40…

Hello, friend…

Two months today I will be 40 years old. I love birthdays- so I take great joy in these silly little markers… three months to go, two months…

It’s not that I’m rushing to get older. I genuinely find it HILARIOUS that I’m set to turn 40. I don’t know what this age is supposed to feel like, but I absolutely do not feel any different than I did when I turned 30… well… metaphorically speaking, I do not feel any different. I do not need to go on about how my period is hellish now, or how bloated I get eating certain foods… THE POINT is, I am greatly amused by this new number I see poking its head around the corner.

I was thinking today of where I was in my 20s, and what an utter mess I made of certain things. But I think that’s what your 20s are made for, thinking you know all because your teen years are O-V-E-R… and you are making an absolute mess of relationships. And then your 30s are for figuring out things, realizing you can hold your own, realizing right from wrong and getting a grip on your powers. And now my 40s are approaching and I feel like this might be the decade of letting go, flying and seeing what my powers can do!! And I might make a complete ass of myself… but unlike my 20s… I WON’T GIVE A SHIT!!!!! Ha ha!!!!

I highly doubt I will ever shake the ever present question of “Who gave me the Adult Pass? Should I have it? I feel like I’m still 18. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing half the time, and by the way… where are the snacks?” But I don’t think I will ever want to lose that sense of wonder, I’d be so sad if I did. There are SOOOOOOO many places to go.

xo.

WP_20140203_009(Montreal, 1983)

only me.

Hello, friend…

I’m in Montreal for the weekend, back in my hometown, telling jokes and dining on the BEST eats with family (pro tip: when dining out, make sure one of your family members is a chef and knows the chef of where you’re eating- because… ohmylord, I’m being treated like a Queen!!).

Anyway. So last night, at a gig I had, this nice looking guy offers me a drink and we talked a little, and he got me another drink and it was really lovely! He asked what my plans were while I was in town, I told him about my other show, he invited me to a party… amazing, right? Right. So he takes my number, calls me so I have his number and we part ways. I am on cloud nine. (Literally- there was a lot of pot being smoked at this gig.)

And I get in the car. And I check my phone to add his number. And my heart sinks.

He clearly hung up when calling me too quickly because I NEVER GOT HIS PHONE NUMBER. My phone had no missed calls. Why didn’t I check it as he called me and not simply assume all was well??!!!

NEVER ASSUME, FRIENDS. NEVER.

It just makes an ass out of u and me.

seinfeld-saying-newman-meme-1432838940

 

xo.

My Top 5 Amazing Women of 2017

Hello, friends…

A lot of lists float around this time of year and I will happily add to the pile if you don’t mind. 😉

I know SO MANY AMAZING women and this is stupidly hard to chop down to only 5 to mention but… these are ladies you should know about & follow on the social media. Because they are awesome and I don’t know how I got so lucky to know them.

 

My Top 5 Amazing Women of 2017

  1. My niece, Charlotte … she’s kicking butt in the kitchens of Montreal and growing up into the coolest lady.  aaauuuggghh….  I AM SO PROUD OF HER!!!!! 
  2. Ashley Wittig…  co-owner of Bunner’s, teacher at Misfit Studio,  and just all around really really awesome lady (who I don’t see enough of really- must change that in 2018…). Follow her on Instagram @ashleyhalston
  3. The ladies of Baroness von Sketch… if you’ve not seen this show for some reason, please change that NOW.  I am blown away by what they’ve done and insanely proud of how my friends Jennifer Whalen & Aurora Browne have grown since I first met them many moons ago. Follow them on Twitter @BaronessShow
  4. Through making my documentary No Responders Left Behind, I have gotten to know some PHENOMENAL women… widows of 9/11 responders, sisters, wives of responders and responders themselves. So to ladies like Caryn, Taylor, Jennifer, Rebecca, Wendi, Marzena…. I marvel at you. And adore you. I won’t share each of their social media handles, but I will ask that you check out organizations that mean a lot to them:http://www.johnnymacfoundation.org/
    https://www.theraypfeiferfoundation.org/
    http://fealgoodfoundation.com/
  5. I have to give a LOT of love and thanks and gratitude to my editor at Hello GigglesRachel Sanoff because she is just the best. 🙂 Thanks to her, you get to read my essays and I get to share my stories with so many people. She is the best. And you should go check out Hello Giggles because it’s a great space to learn and share…  follow us on Twitter @hellogiggles

 

In truth, I could list 50 women on this… but it’s a small, amazing drop of the amazing people I know. My mom is up there, my sister and sister-in-law, my friend Jenny who’s starting her own wedding organization business, the wonderful women who run amazing comedy rooms in Toronto and invite me on… I cannot wait to see where we take things in 2018.

xo