what’s in a name…

Hello, friend…

Yesterday, after a particularly bumpy start to my day, my friend Kim sent me a note letting me know Kate Spade had taken her own life. A designer who, to so many people who knew her brand, gave off a bubbly, bright, luxurious and happy image. (I have longed to own a Kate Spade bag for years, but I can’t afford one.) She projected, through her fashion and home decor, elegance and fun. A lot of folks, myself included, would have thought she had it all and was on top of the world. Those bright, bubbly colours hid the true colours though… the colours that may not have sold as many things. We all carry baggage, but those who own a Kate Spade bag likely never knew how heavy things were for the designer. And now we do.

As a lot of folks know, I walked away from a pretty lucrative tv production job a number of years back. I made good money. And when I told people what I did, there was a twinkle of “oh, that must be so exciting” in their eyes. Gosh, yes, it was most days! It absolutely was. But I started to notice my weight going up, I was drinking a lot more than a woman who lived alone should, and… I wasn’t happy. And yes, that money helped cover bills, but it couldn’t cover up the stress and the tension I felt doing what I did. I wanted to help create more on shows, but I was stuck in a box of being the one people came to for schedules and booking equipment and yelled at for when their hotel room wasn’t as advertised. I got yelled at A LOT. I took it, but I’m very sponge like so I absorbed it all.

I have absolutely no idea how Kate managed day to day. I wonder what she would have done if a door opened to allow her to be something else.

My life at 40 is the polar opposite of what it was at 30. I am doing things now that I NEVER EVER saw coming, but dreamed about on occasion- but never actually thought would happen. When I was younger and wondered about what my life would be like at 30 and beyond, I couldn’t see it. I legit couldn’t see it- which kind of scared me- but I think it’s because this was beyond what I imagined. Telling jokes at a bar in Brampton? Doing stand-up for the first time outside of Toronto in Gatineau, Quebec?! Fuck no, I did NOT see ANY of that coming. I’m a paid writer, I get paid to write things. I did not see that coming either, but I dreamed about it. And it is AWESOME.

I’m at a place now where what I do brings me joy. I’m also at a place where what I do doesn’t bring me much money. Ha. It’s a fine little tightrope walk, is it not? I traded one thing for another. And it’s hard, it’s hard because the financial pressure is really heavy. I want to be killing it in both aspects of my life, but it’s a balancing act right? I’m finding my footing. I’m doing all that I can so that I can do what I want to do. So, I feel like I’m on the right track… but damn, this isn’t easy.

What I’m proudest of though is that I’m doing what I want to do, and going after what I want to go after. I have never taken the easy path with things… even in the tv life I had, that wasn’t a walk in the park… but the choices I’ve made have lead me to find happiness in what I choose to do. So that’s something, right? I’m grateful for that. Now I need to make that help my credit card bills disappear… ha.

I genuinely feel for the family Kate Spade left behind, I mean we all will not be here one day but to leave the world as she did… my heart breaks. To anyone who projects an image that isn’t necessarily who they truly feel they are, my heart breaks. Being honest and authentic with yourself isn’t easy, it won’t always look good in the glossy pages of a magazine. Your bank statements may look like a Stephen King novel. But it’s important to be yourself, talk and live your most authentic life. And ask for help when you need it, ’cause it’ll be there in one form or another.

xo.

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take a breath

Hello, friend…

How has your week been? I feel as though this week all that could possibly be thrown into a week, was thrown into the week. I’ve thought a lot about time and its fragility, I’ve been creative, I’ve met with friends whom I’d not seen in a while, I honoured the memory of a friend who’s passing still hurts as fresh as it first did six years ago. I got a new tooth! Yes, there was dental surgery too. AND there are still two days to go. 😉

(deep breath in) (exhale)

What I think I’ve come to respect the most this week is how my friends and family are connected, how we each have a role to play and how we all compliment each other. The week has been a bit of lesson in how at 40 years old, I will still ask my mom if things will be okay. And I know she doesn’t actually know, but she kept me calm nevertheless- as she knew she needed to do.

So… there have been heavy days this week mixed in with a lot of joy. Making my afternoon hangout with a dear friend to meditate all the more needed and necessary. I use a 1980s VERY retro video of Shirley MacLean to guide me as I do my open eyed meditations- an ex-boyfriend once gave me a copy- and don’t laugh, but I tell you… it still holds up and is damned near perfect. And I love how we chose to meditate today- not knowing at the time the blender of adventure I was in for… do you meditate? If not, no judgement here. Personally, I love it. I love how just taking the time to sit and listen to what my body is telling me truly calms my breathing and makes me aware of what I’m holding onto. Sometimes I can acknowledge it and let it go, sometimes I can’t- but I am aware something’s there which is a good thing.

In talking afterwards, of how relationships over the past number of years haven’t worked out for me, I had a lightbulb moment at my friend’s home. A relationship that ended eight years ago, in a painful fashion (I thought he was proposing- he actually dumped me) is still a marker that I measure with relationships since. There’s a fear I hold that it will end and I will get hurt by [insert name here]… ending of course, in the relationship actually ending before I gave it time to breathe. So I plug everything into it super soon, and I panic, and I don’t give it time to grow. Now, I have met some straight-up asshats who don’t deserve me and prove that theory wrong- but for the most part I think I treat most guys as that one from eight years ago. Somewhere, I assume it won’t work out, so … yeah. It doesn’t.

In all other aspects of my life, I am super confident (for the most part) and aware that bumps are par for the course.

In relationships, I am all thumbs. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing most of the time, because somewhere deep down I’ve felt for so long that I’m not good enough for [insert name here]. WHICH IS SUCH BULLSHIT!!! Of course I’m good enough and deserving!! I’ve put my heart out there a lot, and too many times has my relationship-equivalent of the Hamburglar swiped it away.

I’m in better shape now, I can run after him and get it back. Or, I can see that he doesn’t get it in the first place. Tomorrow is a new day, so we will test that theory out! 😉

I think a tune that makes me smile is needed to wrap this up, so I’ll share a favourite… some De La Soul shall we? (And get the LP De La Soul is Dead if you can find it. It’s sublime.)

 

xo.

this is a thing…?

It has been a WHILE since I went to the TIAT file on this blog, but, I’m feeling rather happy of late and excited for the Royal wedding for some reason or another- SO!- for that forgetful groom or bride to be… yes, this is a thing:

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/premier-inn-wedding-vending-machines-resizeable-ring-flip-flops-gift-a8336951.html

Here’s hoping neither Harry nor Meghan will need it on Saturday. Although that would make me SO happy to see that happen…

xo.

school night

Hello, friend…

Well, a new week begins this week as is the case come Monday… but with this week, I start a new part time job! Back to the food world I go & I’m genuinely excited and nervous. I get to start something new and I get to put money in the bank on a regular basis. Win-win, I say! ⚘⚘⚘

And after a weekend that was filled with the emotional rollercoaster that is going through boxes of your childhood memories… looking at old report cards and coming across my early attempts at creative writing… I know I had a vision set for myself early on. I knew my path and followed it to my first TV job at a local cable station in Etobicoke.

But looking back and seeing what has brought me to where I am NOW? I’d never have seen this coming. Ever. I have a deep deep appreciation for the past- I cherish items to this day… but I never had a “Changed her life path in her mid 30s” Barbie as a kid. Barbie had careers! She had Ken to support in his… modelling career? Anyway. She had shit to do and her life together.

It’s crazy to go through your past as you’re figuring out your future… and my emotions took a hit this weekend. So yes, there was some serious time travelling this weekend but it came at a time when I’ve been wondering if I’m doing anything right of late. BUT!! I’m living the life I want, which my younger self championed (underneath many layers of self-doubt … but it was there, I promise). And I think that’s pretty sweet.

So! Here’s to a new chapter this week! Take some deep breaths in and out… we got this. 💗

Xo.

(A piano recital, likely early 90s- captured in a Polaroid)

bookmark it!

Hello, friend…

I can already feel May will be an interesting month. Yesterday, I was in conversation on Instagram with a guy who wanted to chat me up after seeing me in a picture wearing my cat sweater cat sweater. I knew buying that sweater was a good move!!! And then I came SO close to chatting with Kanye West on TMZ Live… but if you’ve seen his appearance on it yesterday well… my getting bumped was no big surprise.

Then today. I’m in Kensington Market to meet with a friend and chat about an article I’m writing with him, and after I stopped into a cooking store I have loved going to and am sad is leaving. I wondered as I took my book in a bag what will next inhabit the space and what the shop employees will do next… and as I left I spotted a bookmark in my bag. With this wonderful truth printed on it…

Things can change at any age. You can change at any age. I’m a firm believe in that. And I just so happened to write about such a thing in Hello Giggles recently *shameful self promotion* 😉💋

https://hellogiggles.com/lifestyle/finding-my-voice-stand-up-comedy-at-37/

I hope that puts a spring in your step! It put one in mine. A little nod from the universe that I’m doing the right thing. 💖🌞🌼

Xo.

… next stop….

Hello, friend…

This has been a most interesting week and it’s not even over yet. I headed up to my hometown of Montréal for a few days of stand-up and catch up w/ family & friends… and a couple of nights ago found myself at a prominent Montreal club, taking in the photos that adorned the Green Room. I spotted a photo of Wendy Liebman and had a pinch me kind of moment… I have adored her for years & there I was about to walk through the crowd to take the mic as she had done. Unbelievable. While going over my set, I thought Who let me in here?! Then I heard my inner voice whisper, you did, dummy… though you did forget your shoes- do not call attention to your snowboots during your set…

I have days where I’m genuinely surprised I am where I am. Today, for example, I interviewed two friends for an upcoming article. I get paid to write! I get paid to write. When I think back to a few years ago when I was busting my ass in tv production offices copying this and calling for that.. that was a version of myself I am genuinely proud of, but happy to have left behind. As I told my friends today, my life did a 180 in my 30s- I realized I had missed that stop I meant to get off at… so I backed up and took that exit. My 30s were magical that way- I found the adventure path I wanted to take. Rather than settle for the path I was on.

Not that I don’t deeply miss some things, certain people … today my body feels like it’s weighed down w/ bricks because I am mourning the 2 years of my sweet James having passed. I’m the age he was when we met. We had a 22 year age difference. But he was my north star, and he forever will be. I wonder sometimes if that’s all for me and romance, if it may never knock at my door again… the truth is, I have no idea. I’d like to hope there is more to come… but I am online dating and it’s not really doing much to boost morale, truth to be told.

Meeting a friend for tea in Montréal this week, one of whom I hadn’t seen in a number of years… we agreed that the version of me knew then wouldn’t have dreamt I’d be where I am now.

And it’s true. I have a lot to learn when it comes to stand-up and writing and relationships and how to pay off my credit card debit… but I know that there will be help along the way.

You just gotta pay attention to the signs.

Xo.

spring cleaning.

Hello, friend…

Spring has returned to Toronto! 🌹🌺🐇🐥 Hooray! I’m not sure what happened in the last week… perhaps Mother Nature had been dating some guy (let’s call him Steve) and perhaps she found out Steve was cheating on her. So she got angry and froze everything. Maybe that’s what happened. Thanks, Steve. Either way, I think things are back on track.

Spring is a tricky season. I hate it because I have allergies and everything in the environment drives me NUTS… but I also hate it because so many break-ups seem to happen in the spring. The weather is gorgeous! I’m moving on!! I’ve had two friends become bachelors again in the past week. Myself, well I had the pleasure of being sent packing via text message. That was nice… so… nice. I mean, it hadn’t been a long courtship but aaaaauuuggghhh…. text message?? Though I will give him points for not adding any emojis. 😕 I’m starting to think that as the groundhog predicts the upcoming six more weeks of winter/a hasty spring, well he should predict relationships too. Six more weeks of winter, and two more weeks until Bob tells you he’s at a difficult time in his life and needs space to think!

My mood has also been strange of late, my heart has felt heavy… but I did leave my bakery job and with turning 40 I’m so much more conscious of time. How delicate it can be. So maybe my body is changing as the seasons do… the news today that a friend gave birth to a baby girl today reminded me instantly that as much as there is loss, loss of jobs or relationships or your own groove… there is plenty to be grateful for. There’s growth all around me. Today my nephew (who is not yet 2) jumped into my arms and commanded me to run around the house as his mom chased us. He’d never done that before- it was really cool.

So. Spring is here! Along with the plants, we’re all trying to grow and become something bigger, right? So grab the allergy pills and get on with it.

Xo.