a morning’s walk.

Hello, friend…

I woke up this morning and turning on the news, I was met with sights of anger and pain. The sun was shining bright and lovely outside my window so I opted to go for a morning walk. Just me and the birds, and the buds in the forest and the quiet. I don’t know about you, but I am very sponge like to anything around me. If you cut your finger, I feel it. That kind of thing. I’m like a Mr Clean Magic Sponge, a magnet to energy and in I come to swoop it up- it’s a puzzle my therapist and I have yet to solve, my need to come in a essentially pinch hit for whatever is wearing you down. But I’ve ALWAYS been like this, very empathetic, very much wanting to listen to both sides. I don’t necessarily dislike this quality about myself, but it is exhausting – especially in days like these.

I’m a certified fence sitter, I guess. Up on my perch, listening. It’s not a bad thing, it isn’t – listening is good. Being quiet is okay. So this morning, I took note of the news of the world and went to consult mamma earth- taking a walk through my neighbourhood with a diversion through our neighbourhood forest. I watch a program on TV (and have for years) called CBS Sunday Morning. They end each episode with a moment of nature. And I had a moment on my walk of remembering how on 9/11, in their episode that followed that horror, they went to a scene in middle America- a beautiful scene of nature- and I remember thinking in one part of the world there is such hurt and sorrow, and yet here are birds being birds. Paying no mind. I like those pockets of stillness, reminders that life is alternately beautiful and bleak every single day.

And as an artist, of which my boyfriend is too (we’re both stand-up comics), I really do think art matters even more in times like these. We need those respites. Those little moments to exhale and laugh. I like to think that we’re covering all our bases right now, not everyone has to be in the same camp. It’s okay to have differences. I like that in my social circle I’m offering my moments of respite to a heavy news feed. I’m volunteering with GlobalMedic. These are my acts of service. Art is extremely powerful as a voice of expression, but I think tiny moments of joy and silly are equally as important in such chaotic days. I’m not being ignorant to what is going on around me, I just feel like my job is to remind that there is still hope. I love how Chef Jose Andres reminds us to build longer tables, not higher walls. Truly, you can learn SO much by sharing a meal with someone or sharing a joke- it’s little cracks in the pavement, that lead to more light getting in.

So I took my time on my walk, I met a lovely puppy who is blind & had the kindness demeanor, I admired the trees and flowers and a squirrel frightened me as I stood in the forest and had a bit of a cry. How on earth do we keep doing this to ourselves? Anyway. (deep breath/exhale/repeat) We do what we need to do, we speak up and we listen and we make art and we offer kindness. We do better as we learn. There is still good in the world… be kind to each other. Celebrate how you’re different. Let love rule. Please.

xo.

All photos taken by me, on my morning walk.

up, up and away.

Hello, friend…

I’m currently sitting in a (momentarily) blissfully quiet airport terminal  in Toronto, waiting to board my flight. I’m a bit earlier than I need to be but I got through security and customs so quickly – a lovely perk, until you realize you now have 2 hours until you need to be on the plane. Oh well. The protein bar I tucked into my purse didn’t get confiscated, so I can’t complain.

Last night, when I was checking in, I spotted the option to upgrade to Business Class- gave a nod to my mom and asked her if I should. We agreed we’ve been through it of late, life tossing us all the curveballs like one of those machine baseball players use at batting practice. Except the machine malfunctioned and all the balls were propelled towards us. Needless to say, I took the upgrade.

It’s like that line from The Godfather, “leave coach, take Business class.“

Carrying personal stress is baggage I can’t check though, I mean I’m trying either with therapy or reiki or tarot card readings. But hey, if means of lessening my proverbial load are there, I’m gonna try them. You use what you’ve got, the late James Barber would say on his CBC TV cooking show The Urban Peasant… a show I watched religiously back in the day.   I adored him and his outlook and his food; and I definitely grew concerned when he just seemed to be a bit um, “boozy” before the show stopped airing. But hey, sometimes you need to indulge to calm those stresses no one else’s knows about. Within reason, of course.

Of course, sitting in Business Class won’t do much to change things I wish I could change, but if anything it’s a little treat. More legroom and a coffee in a nice mug.  We all deserve those things, really. Space to breathe and a bit more care. It shouldn’t be something we have to pay for, it should be a given.

Xo.

I recently met the wonderful musician, Jon Batiste at his concert in Toronto & with or without that badge… I am a VIP damnit! 😘

A candid capture.

juxtaposed, i suppose…

Hello, friend…

I’m currently in my hotel room in Montréal trying to be as quiet as a mouse while my dearest sleeps. We got up early for the free hotel breakfast, which was busier than a Taylor Swift concert, ate, and he’s now fallen back into a pancake induced slumber. Whereas I am debating about going to the museum (I absolutely love to visit the Musée des Beaux Arts whenever I’m here) or take my book to a nearby café. But both require leaving our cozy room to venture into the chilly weather… hmmm.

Either way, I feel a bit like the madness of the past 72 hrs has come to a pause & in all honesty, I feel a bit lost. Without going into great detail, someone I love dearly & whom I have known my whole life had a terrible accident this week. And we were left just waiting to know more and plan next steps and sit and wait for a few days. Which I knew in the moment was taxing, but also now, as I feel myself unravel slightly… I can feel anxiety’s grip relaxing a bit now that we have an idea that things are on the up and up. And my only worries are how do I adjust things on the calendar if need be? But, those worries aren’t too dire. Because you can only plan so much, then life does what it does. It reminds us, gently or harshly, that there is a clock.

I’m someone who has great interest and curiosity about what was here before me, my ancestry, and how I got here- who laid the groundwork for my path… I understand one day I’ll no longer be here, which I find so scary & intriguing in the same breath. When time is short, it is short. When time is long, it is short. That four years ago this month, this day I had no idea the world was about to close up shop for Covid-19? That was four years ago! Four! How?! My dearest friend, Aaron, whom I have known since high school- we grabbed a coffee the other day at an old high school haunt, and while we are now 30 some odd years older and he’s an accomplished actor & filmmaker and I am doing whatever the heck it is that I do… it seems like no time has passed at all. Yet, the comedy clubs he’d let me take him to when we were teens are no longer there on Lombard Street. But now, he knows to listen for me on CBC Radio later this year. 😉💋

Four years ago, about this time, I was in Montréal hoping to be where I am now. Doing weekend shows, my face on the poster. And then life just changed course & I wondered is that all there is? I don’t get to do this anymore? And then someone yelled pivot! And well, here we are. And I have hope to be somewhere else- new goals are on the board. I have been involved in the Toronto comedy scene ever since I met Aaron, back in the 1990s, and I’ve seen sooooooo many people and places come and go. And somehow, I got a 2nd act. And I wonder what my 3rd act will be like… I’m always looking ahead, sometimes forgetting to be present- but not too often.

You can reinvent yourself. Whether you think you’re ready or not.

Xo.

Grow baby, grow.

packing lite.

Hello, friend…

I’m on the road again tomorrow, home to Brooklyn for a few ( & to Disney world!!!) and I just got to thinking about packing. The goal is to always bring the basics. Maybe a few extras, just in case. And yet, day to day, we want to collect and acquire and show off our newest things on our socials… it just made me laugh. We go from one extreme to another.

I’ve not been on a proper vacation in years. To Disney? Not since 1987, easily. I feel somewhat guilty going on holiday when finances aren’t strong but, the opportunity presented itself and my boyfriend and I said Yes. Sometimes, that’s your greenlight. You don’t think about it too much, you do it. I make art for a living… I bring joy where I can… so it’s always a gamble to eschew financial logic, but it’s also very much my thing! Ha!! Oh look… You can be as practical as possible, but now and then… you need to be impractical. That’s where the fun is.

Xo.

Headed to Disney, 1983/1984…

soup’s on!

Hello, friend…

Well, the countdown to 2024 is on… one more day and then a new year is here. I don’t know where you are to celebrate (or ignore, as NYE celebrations aren’t for everyone)… but I’m up in the woods with family. At a cottage we’re renting, surrounded by woodsy delights. Definitely not a setting I’ve been at before to celebrate a new year and put the present one to bed, and I kind of like the idea of starting a new year in a new place. I’m not one for resolutions, but I like setting up a vibe… I pick a word to be my theme of my year, so literally being in a new place is a nice extension of that. And honestly, with the word the complete mess that it is, it’s nice to sit in a pocket of stillness and calm… with all that is happening around me, I’m looking out a window right now at a lake as the sun sets. Being present. And grateful.

Earlier, I was doing dishes while most of the house went out for a hike. My dad eventually joining me to have some soup my brother made. I made a comment it was a good soup, and my dad answered “Of Course!” with such bravado. As if I had said the most ridiculous of things. “Of course my son would make a good soup! He’s my son, after all!” For the record, I do not know how to make soup… good or not… but I can bake. “Of course!” I love my dad, but listening to him slurp soup was just… ohmygod. I put on a generic YouTube jazz channel to drown out the slurps and replace them with bebops; and then my inner voice reminded me while I hate this sound now, I will one day hate that it’s not there. And I angrily shrugged at my inner voice, knowing it was right. (And really, this goes for anyone I eat soup with, my dad or otherwise.) I kept the jazz playing though, just to be safe.

Where the sink is in the kitchen, with the window above it and the sunroom door just to the right – kind of reminded me of my mom’s cottage that we went to when I was younger. I used to look out that window sometimes, onto the back porch where family might sit and pretend that was the front of the house. I did that a lot as a kid, pretend front was back and up was down. I would take baths and look at the reflection in the water and wonder what that underwater world would be like to join… I still do that as an adult, to a degree. The fun part about pursuing art as a grownup is that play is a necessity. Heck, even if art isn’t your occupation, I think play as a grownup should be mandatory. Offices should have nap times! Milk and cookies at 3pm for all!

My word for 2023, by the way, was UP. Professionally, I made some nice movements up the proverbial ladder… new credits added to the resume… personally, some lovely moments to be a part of like my niece’s wedding. All things on the up n’ up! Which leaves me on the perch of 2024 not totally sure of what’s next, but perhaps that’s why I’m going with Balance as my word for the year to come. I feel trepidation about the year to come in many ways, but also excited with ideas in the proverbial fire… balance will be key because this decade is BONKERS… and play will be necessary next year. So necessary. Also, I’m heading into my 46th year next year… which makes me shake my head because I have the stability of a 12 year old crashing after having had too much sugar most days. As I get older, it sure is strange how it’s puberty in reverse and I’m re-learning everything over again. We get so many manuals and how to’s when we come into the world, I think a mid-life check in would be a great idea. Something like a multiple choice, with the popular answer being “I haven’t enough coffee today, I do not know.”

And hey! Maybe I’ll come out of 2024 with a really good soup recipe, too. It’s not a resolution, just an intention… and it’s all about having good intentions, right?

Well. Thank you for reading this year, and commenting as you do. It means a lot because I put these out with no idea where my words and thoughts will land. So I’m glad you’re there to catch them.

Of course!

xo.

Welcoming in 2024 on thin, beautiful ice

visceral.

Hello, friend…

I’m currently sitting in the train station in Ottawa, waiting for my train to board, taking me back to Toronto. It’s a pretty small train station, compared to Montreal where I just was and Toronto where I am headed to, so this new addition of a brightly coloured M&Ms vending machine caught my eye as soon as I got in here. Was it a machine to let me personalize some candy? NOPE! It was just a vending machine. Nothing fancy. Oh well.

It was lovely to be back home for four days, doing five shows at The Comedy Nest. It’s such an interesting feeling to do comedy in my hometown, knowing that Montreal is where I took my first breath and steps and said my first word (which, interestingly, was “ABBA”- this is in my baby book if you need any proof). I remember when we moved to Ontario, I was 7 or so, I thought we were just going there for the summer and would be back in Quebec by fall. NOPE! I had a new city to live in and new roots to plant. I’ve moved a lot in my life, and I’ve always craved roots. But it’s never been meant to be- up I go somewhere else and I make memories and then off I go to a new address. That’s just how it’s been and I’ve often found it equal parts annoying and exciting.

Of late, as I get to travel more for stand-up, it’s more exciting to get up and go somewhere new. To have the opportunity to stay in a part of Montreal I’ve wandered through playing tourist, I got to explore a bit more for a few days and it was really nice. I got to have a fancy apartment to call home and record amidst its walls- a submission video for a mentorship program I’m applying for. While I was there I got some positive news about an upcoming project and the health of a family member. And though that apartment is no longer mine, I made memories in I’ll pack up and take with me to wherever I travel to next. I’m collecting these lovely little moments, and moments are often more precious to me than physical things as I get older.

Did all of my Nest shows go well? No. But it was a healthy mix of great sets and not so great sets. Played to a full house and an engaged audience of half the size. But I have to remind myself that the me of a few years ago, who DREAMED of being asked to weekend spots at the Nest is now DOING THAT. And on a walk past the JFL offices while in town, I remembered a few months ago of walking by and making a wish I’d catch their eye one day. And a few weeks back, as luck would have it, someone from JFL came to see a screening of my film in Montreal and well… that connection has been made.

Little collections from my travels, stitched into a bigger picture that’s coming together as I live it. Memories stamped into memory, so that when I visit again, I can say “oh, remember when that happened here?” That’s the exciting stuff. Knowing something new awaits somewhere else.

And for now, though personalized M&Ms aren’t in my future- unless they’re sold out, the VIA Rail cheese platter awaits as soon as I board.

xo.

when you wish upon a star…

Hello, friend…

The past few days I’ve seen a lot of Spotify year in review posts, friends and strangers sharing how their own albums and podcasts have done. Clearly reasons to celebrate! As someone with a podcast (Order Up! with Cari, Mary & Matt) and an album out there in the world (Sugar n’ Spice & Smirnoff Ice), I know how much work it takes to get something into the world. And as someone who has ZERO SHAME that I made NO year-end lists, I’m holding my head up nonetheless and celebrating the fact that I made things that went out into the world this year. I heard Greta Gerwig say in her 60 Minutes interview tonight- when asked about possibly not seeing a project through- what’s the alternative, not making it?

I adore and admire Greta immensely.

When I was a kid, I remember dreaming of being a music video director. That dream didn’t come to fruition, but in 2023 I eventually did direct and a short documentary at that. And for ALL of the stress felt in the prep, being on set and seeing my name on that slate and then hearing the clap before action was called? I felt magically transported and instantly fell in love. “Oh, this is what all of that stress was for– there was a purpose for all of that. Okay! When I am going to direct again?!”

I had a similar reaction to the first time I did stand up, I got up there, heart dangerously close to leaping out of my body and I knew with all my pumping heart that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. And I got off the stage and with eyes wide, looked at my brother Kevin and said “I have to do that again!”

Then I was asked by a friend tonight what I was hoping to achieve next year with my career. What are my 2024 goals? I want to direct again. I want to have a YouTube comedy special. I want to be writing for Late Night With Seth Meyers. There they are- for you to see! Is this like saying your wish aloud after you blow out the candles? I have no idea. But maybe there is something about shouting out what you want.

What do you want in 2024, what are your goals? Shout them out loud RIGHT NOW!

How do you feel? Silly? Empowered? A bit of both?

Going back to what I said earlier- I will admit… it’s humbling to have an album out there and know like no one knows it exists, but it’s okay!! What is really fucking cool is that it’s a thing, I have a comedy album. So that’s what I hold onto. Sure, my goal IS to have the next one do better but for now, I have one. Small victories for the win! (Huzzah!) Small steps matter. Tiny bricks laid out one by one build something bigger.

xo.

Look at us go!

waiting for answers.

Hello, friend…

The tree is trimmed. I’m currently listening to a mix of late 80s heartbreak hits and remembering how I listened to these songs as a kid- pining over my crush, Todd. (I clearly had a pull towards longing even in 5th grade.) But I’ve just finished a bake with a friend over Zoom for my lil’ YouTube show (It’ll Be Fine: A Food Show), did a podcast with another friend just before that… and as much as I can thumb my nose at technology sometime, holy heck do I appreciate the fact that I can connect with friends from one coast to another so easily. I remember when we first got dial up at home back in the 90s, and that buzz and ring and ping ping ping sound as I was connecting to this virtual wonder web…. anyway, before I sound like I’m 45 going on 96…. it’s just awesome to be in touch with friends as we are. It’s pretty cool.

And in both conversations tonight, despite being for different things, I loved how we both got into talking about perimenopause and health issues no one seems to talk about. And I loved/don’t love how chats like these just aren’t the norm- one friend will mention it and a lightbulb goes off and you’re like oh my gosh, you get that too!! I am not nuts!! HOORAY!!!! Like what is with this secret door of women’s health? Why do we have to suffer and made to feel like we’re nuts and off our rockers when some of this shit is just normal – we’re just not treating it properly or most effectively.

Yet we have the technology. We have years and years of knowledge.

But mostly when you ask a question at a certain age about how you’re feeling all you get is a buzz then a ring and then some ping ping ping sounds…. and you just sit and wait for the page to load…

xo.

An operator will be with you shortly….

i’m a travellin’ gal…

Hello, friend…

I’m currently on the train, riding back from NYC to Toronto. There’s about 5 hours to go in my 12 hours trip. Why am I not flying? Fair question. Aside from the fact that I genuinely like road trips, this was a cheaper way to travel rather than putting me on a bus. 

Kelly + long travel on a bus = Angry & Nauseated Kelly

I’m glad I got a rather filling breakfast sandwich & coffee at Penn Station before boarding my train (quantly named Maple Leaf), they informed us that the food car was cash only due to an technical issue. Now, I usually have cash on me (I still own a VCR, for Pete’s sake) but today I do not. Of course! And I cursed myself for tossing my water bottle, because I could have used it to..

Um… get water from the restroom? Ugh. No. No. No.

I actually like the train food car, it’s quite good… menu options decent & not panic inducing like ordering pizza on an Air Canada flight. I know this because I have had pizza on an Air Canada flight.

Picture it. It was a flight to Miami. Let’s say the year was… 2016… I was on an Air Canada Rouge flight where the median age was likely, 76? And I was assigned a seat and a very cute guy sat at the end of my row. And for reasons that were never made clear to me at any point in that flight, I was offered ANY and EVERY thing. The flight attendant only cryptically saying the “captain wanted to make sure I was treated well”. I didn’t get a glass of wine, I was given a full bottle.

The cute guy then said, should I know you? Are you famous? 

I assured him I wasn’t. But I told him two things, that I had started doing stand-up and I was on a dating app… and maybe our pilot was also on the same dating app & noticed my approximate distance to him was row 16 C. I then panicked that maybe our pilot was looking for love at an inappropriate time.

Cute guy then said the most charming thing, “you are on a dating app?!” Followed by a weird thing, “so I could be dating Amy Schumer?” 

Somewhere on the flight, I got the flight attendant to begrudgingly give the cute guy free stuff too. Hence the pizza. It was terrible pizza, but the cute guy & I exchanged numbers and went on a date while I was in Miami. (He then called me the next day & said he wasn’t interested in seeing me ever again.)

Anyway. Where was I. 

A scene from my travels…

Blissfully, the food car credit card machine started working again & I beelined to the back car like a woman who has just been told [insert handsome celebrity here] wants to meet her. [In my case handsome celebrity would be Idris Elba or Colm Feore- I can’t pick, it’s impossible to choose!] No one tells you the core strength you need when motoring through a train car, but you do. And you need Balance . Especially when you are on a mission to get a Cheeseburger and possibly meeting Idris or Colm.

Carrying it back without dumping it on yourself or on someone else is another story altogether about core strength & balance .. but it is a reminder that I should hit the gym tomorrow. 

A young woman almost butted ahead of me, but I politely reminded her I was next with a slight panic in my voice that that Cheeseburger was mine & she was not stealing my man! But fear not reader, I got my food back to my seat & ate more of my jumbo bag of peanut M&Ms than I intended…  but it all got to my seat safely, because I’m in shape! (Well, I’m in A shape. But more on my beef with Perimenopause later.)

And as I finish this essay, they’re back to cash only on my train. I got my meal in while I could! 

It’s raining now and the muted fall colours make it seems like I’m in a sad painting. But I’m the lady in the painting with food in her belly because the gods knew there was a hormonal woman in coach who needed a burger & helped me out. 

xo.

20-30

Hello, friend…

The first day of October has come to an end, and it will resonate with me for one particular moment… it was the day I got my very first payment from sales of my comedy album. The actual amount I received is beside the point. But as I was walking to the grocery store, getting ingredients to make Nanaimo Bars with my pal Kirsten, as I was walking… I just heard comedian Leslie Jones in my head going “Do you realize you just got MONEY from YOUR COMEDY ALBUM??!! Fuck ya! Appreciate that shit!” I stopped walking for a beat. Yeah. Look at me go!!!

Now, I need to mention that I recently read Leslie’s book Leslie F*cking Jones. It’s an incredible book, raw and kind. Funny and a cold shower of truth. And oddly relatable… like, relatable to a point where I’d have to stop reading on the subway because I felt like she was really getting me. And we’ve never met. But the whole thread in her book of not taking shit from no one & appreciating your worth – it hit home. I know I need to get waaaay better at that, or Leslie is gonna have some words for me. 😉🫶

If the result of reading her book is more self-confidence? Amazing. If I now have an inner Leslie Jones telling me I need to appreciate myself & know I’m worthy of an opportunity? Amaaaazing.

The very first time I made money doing stand-up, I framed it. There’s a $20 dollar bill in my room,  in a cute frame, the date I received it long faded away. But today, I got paid from an album of my jokes that people have bought!!! It’s kind of heady. I remember when I was handed that $20, my friend Allan saying: “you’re a working comic now, Kelly… use this to buy food.” Today I used my album money to buy food. I gotta take a moment to appreciate that. And if the chips ever get really down? I have that $20 in a frame. Money I made telling jokes.

I realize I’m a tiny fish in a big pond… but I’m in the pond, at least. I’m producing shows and making spaces for my friends to do their thing- whether they can walk in the room or roll in on their scooters. I had two shows this week that just solidified that I’m living a purposeful life.

September 2023

I have a lot to learn, though. I have big items on my to-do list… along with things like remember to breathe. But I want the opportunities! I want to challenge myself!! As my inner Leslie Jones would likely say “put me in coach, let’s fucking GO!”

And you know what you can go do? Get my f*cking album!!! Please & thank you. I worked really hard on it. 😊 🫶

https://lnk.to/sugarnspice

Xo.