crowds.

Hello, friend…

I honestly don’t remember much about living through SARS in Toronto in the early 2000s… my dad was going through cancer treatment and that likely takes priority in my brain. But I do remember some underlying fear of crowds, and wondering when the fear of SARS would be over.

And then, one day, the city let out a sigh of relief. The beast was conquered. It was safe again… and I went to this massive concert called SARStock. Every musician was there. Every person in Toronto was there, it seemed. And I’m Claustrophobic… but waiting in the massive lines at the gate, I just remembered missing crowds. It hit me how I had missed being around so many people. Buying food at the various vendors, I had missed that, too. But it was really that moment of heading in with my ticket, body to body with others that I felt a sense of it’s okay again.

I know our collective experience with Covid has been different, but I have still been waiting for that feeling I had at that concert in 2003. For a bubble to pop, so to speak. Despite all my travels, I hadn’t had that experience yet.

And then tonight, I went to a concert with a friend to see some superstars of my youth… TLC, En Vogue, Shaggy… and it was wall to wall people. A outdoor concert and yet still, just a sea of people. It felt Claustrophobic… but… I was okay.

So, I head to the Porta Potties as I needed to do … and thanks to toilet seat being left down after the two ladies who exited the stall together (likely not having had to pee- let’s be honest), well, first off I did not know those things had toilet seats but this one fucking did… but my point is that someone (me) may have peed on a toilet seat (I absolutely did). And accidentally sat in it. (Again, totally did.) So all this is happening as I panicked trying to dry my pants and pray my shirt covered everything in this teeny tiny stall… all the while saying to myself you’re okay, you ate fine, it’s okay.

And at the communal hand washing station, which was frighteningly low on water and soap, I made eye contact with an older woman trying to clean her hands too and I said this feels just like SARStock and she laughed.

And then it happened! That proverbial bubble popped. That sensation I’d been waiting for hit me. It’s gonna be okay…

And so I walked back to friend, with slightly damper pants than I wanted. Knowing that while Covid isn’t gone gone, I honestly felt my shoulders relax as I walked back into the crowd, and we got our groove on to Shaggy crooning into the night. Singing along with an energized crowd and it giving me a sense of closure and relief that I was hoping for- yet in the last place I thought I’d find it.

Xo.

Ontario Place, Budwiser Stage June 2023

take one…

Hello, friend…

It’s been a long day.

Wintery weather.

Passing through a town named Tweed.

But here I am in Ottawa, in the cutest neighborhood I’ve ever seen- straight out of a Hallmark Christmas movie Backlot. Which explains why A LOT of Christmas movies are filmed in this town. I went to a café today where I half expected the protagonist to run in, exhausted and tell me the church bake sale can’t happen because there was a problem with their oven & the sale was starting in 2 hours…

But I guess I’m the protagonist here. Co-directing a short film! I am playing the role of Woman Who Has A Vague Idea Of What She Is Doing & Is In Charge. Our first day of filming was good. Tomorrow will be a full day and a hard day, but our team is solid so I have to leave it up to the movie gods that we get ‘er done. And as HARD as this has been and is, I had a moment where I looked at our set for tomorrow & thought “huh, all of this I created in my bedroom back in November- and it’s actually happening”.

I always ask my spirit guides to show me a heart ❤️ whenever I need to know if I’m doing the right thing, going in the right direction, if it’s going to be okay. And when we looked at the bedrooms in our Airbnb- I knew this was the one…

Signs, signs… everywhere there’s signs…

Directing is hard.

But, what is carrying me is the appreciation that people have that we’re doing this film which, I can’t talk about… yet.

And what is carrying me is a supportive family, friends, my marvelous boyfriend. And this team.

I don’t know what I’m doing doing this, but I’m here. The bake sake will go on!

Xo.

pots & pans

Hello, friend…

As 2022 is weeks away from its highly anticipated debut… tonight I held my first dinner party in lord knows how long. A few friends, a few family members all gathered in the dining room. Sharing stories & enjoying a meal together.

There was nervousness on my part. As we enter a new round of the UFCovid ring, I had to wonder am I doing the right thing? I’m not ignorant to the fact that this is still a concern. But tonight was good for the soul. It really was. As I was preparing dinner, as the smell of roast chicken swirled around me like birds in a cartoon, I looked at the dinner table & took it in. People would be sitting there shortly. People. Other humans. Sharing a meal & sharing stories.

Wow.

The anticipation. A missed sight. 😍

I placed question cards at each plate, to encourage sharing tales about ourselves. And my dad had a card that asked about his favorite memory as a kid. And without sharing too much here, I’ll just share that it involved growing up during WWII & being separated from his mom. And that alone… we laughed that no one could follow that… but really. That admission- that was a heavy card to put on the table. Even as I think of the story he told now, I hear in my head The Beatles lyric about carrying a weight a long time.

And for me at least, moments like that remind me oh yeah… my parents are just people, too. With experiences I can’t always relate to- but that I hope to learn from. And failing that- experiences I need to listen to regardless.

But this is the beautiful thing about sharing a meal together. Stories passed around the table as the wine is poured & bread is broken.

I missed this.

I missed learning like this. It’s so different to a phone call or a text. When a meal is involved? Something magical happens.

Xo.

now available on record and cassette…

Hello, friend…

Tonight was a big one. The first of two nights of recording my comedy album debut! And I was lucky to be amongst friends & even luckier to do this alongside my friend and fellow comic, Desirée Walsh.

In leading up to tonight, I questioned if I should be doing this. Ignoring my experience and books of material that sit on my shelf… my inner critic was very should you really be barking up this tree? Rrrrreally?

I was invited to do this and I had to put a lot of trust in my friend asking me. He saw something I couldn’t. Faith was placed in his hand. The truth is, what I recorded tonight was a marvelous collection of where I am now… a verbal scrapbook of sorts. And while recording online didn’t permit to celebrate and hug those in the audience, it did make for a fully accessible show… and if I have learned aaaanything from my year & a half online with Desirée it’s that this needs to continue as our real and virtual worlds combine forces. We can’t go back to life exactly as it was.

(The human contact is needed, yes. But I’d be doing such a disservice to all I’ve learned if I carried on as was in Feb 2020. )

But I chose to close my set tonight in dedication to my late James. Who never got to see me do this, but who inspired me to be brave & live life as fully as possible. And I asked the universe and James to send me signs of support… and today I walked by TWO billboards with James on them.

And then when I decided to take a photo of my outfit once ready for the show, I noticed after that the Second City mug he gave me was in frame. And I just know… he’s around. Proud as fuck of all I do. Guiding me along.

Pre-show… feeling nervous, looking calm

The shirt I wore tonight I actually bought soon after he passed. James always wore white shirts, and I thought I’d treat myself to one to feel closer to him. Grief, I’ve come to learn, is a strange beast… and as strange as it sounds, his leaving was the was the light I needed. He believed in me deeply, when I didn’t in myself.

I wish he could be here to see this all. He’d fucking love it.

Xo.

P.s If you would like to come to our 2nd night of recording, please grab a ticket!! https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/kelly-des-record-an-album-tickets-162409690757

moving the goal line…

Hello, friend…

• 

At sunset on a May night…

Not a bad sight, huh? I just walked this track a few times to clear my head and settle my thoughts. And a big track was just the spot I needed. I’ve been thinking a lot today about goals and expectations and how hard it is to please everyone…

And in these days where you are able to do x, y & z and I can only do x… I’ve been wondering about life post covid. Or at least post lockdown in Ontario, as I’m fairly confident covid is something we’re just gonna have to live with. I’m a bit nervous about getting stage time, if I will be invited or if I’ll have to just make my own stage. I’m worried about stuff that’s out of my control, really… and I know that’s really not a productive use of my time. Much like moving my life online last March… I’ll figure out how to change back when I get the greenlight.

Speaking of greenlight, my feature documentary debut will debut on Discovery+ this fall. What an achievement!! I can’t tell you how hard its been to keep that quiet, to know you have news but say no more. But its found a home. A goal achieved! Definitely a moment to relish, but also a moment to lay the groundwork for next steps and plant the seeds for a new story to tell.

It’s a strange time to plan though, here in Toronto so much is uncertain but hoped for. It’s like we’re all at the gate, waiting for the bell to bust the hell out and run that track. I love Toronto but dear lord, I’ve never wanted to get away from here more!! Life online has been good to me, I reached some comedy goals and am eager to push the line further… it’s time to see where else to go. Big dreams are to write for Fallon or SNL… just cast that net & see what I catch, ya know? Put me in coach, I got this!!!

Not comparing myself to others is a daily task, well, a frequent work on. But I try to take those dances with envy & jealousy and use it to inspire me. Pushing me to just keep at it, being fulfilled simply because I love what I do and I do it with no agenda. That way your joy shines through, hopefully inspiring others as you do your thing.

We all have a plan when we walk up to the Start line. But sometimes things don’t go to plan. Or maybe they do. But either way, we’re always moving that goal line… at least I try to keep it moving, even if it’s merely an inch. For me the thing I never want to do is stay where I am. Even if I’m not exactly sure where I’m going next, but I feel the wind pushing me that way.

I know I have the chops. I want to reach for that dream writing job, while I work on a screenplay, while I keep at it with my baking show… 💕 AND YET… tonight I walked that track as the sun set, with a hot chocolate in hand and tears in my eyes. The good news of the day tempered with unexpected news, not as pleasant.

But such is life, right?

And as I stopped to look towards the goal posts on the field, wonder if I could have done some things differently… as the sun set and I heard the melodic theme to TVs Friday Night Lights in my mind… a little boy ran up to me with a rainbow on his face mask & bright eyes and just wanted to say Hi! Hey! I just met someone else sitting on a bench!!

I laughed and told him that was pretty awesome indeed. And as I kept walking and that little boy made friends with a lady & her dog, I had a moment of remembering when I was a kid and swimmer Mark Tewksbury medaled for Canada at the Olympics. I lived blocks from where I do now, and we had a pool. And I remember heading to our pool and jumping in for a swim, imagining I’d medal next.

THAT never happened.

But. What I have done since that swim is pretty damn cool. Just gotta keep up that enthusiasm. Just gotta follow your gut. Gotta say Hi to people sitting on benches, ya know?

Xo.

through the looking glass

Hello, friend…

In a week, I’ll be a year older. I don’t know exactly what 43 will bring, if my 42nd year has taught me anything it’s that I gotta keep my heart open & trust my gut. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel like at this age… but I like this time in my life better than my 20s, as an example. No need to go back… forward is best. Yes. ❤

So, as I approach a new year and another pandemic themed birthday (perhaps I will invite a clown over and he’ll make balloon face masks!) and I take stock of where I am, I’m content. In a year, so much has changed… relationships ended, new bonds made… just as the years tend to go, really. But pandemic life has, well… yeah.

Take a moment I saw on my walk today. I live across the street from two seniors residences and on the front lawn was a family, all masked with Happy Birthday signs and balloons. And they were waving at a window.

The woman in the window waved back with such joy. I stopped and watched this happen. It was really beautiful and utterly heartbreaking at the same time.

Last year, in the early days of the pandemic, my parents drove down to my building. My mom placed a bag full of toilet paper and flowers and candy on the ground, stepped away from me and we held our arms out in a distanced hug. My dad took a photo from the car. It was 100% the strangest thing I’ve experienced.

But seeing that family, joyful and celebrating that lady’s birthday was nice to see. A year into this, I have no idea when things will even out but I think I can relate to the joy that lady was feeling. Alone as I was last year, gifts were delivered including a slice of cake sent by Uber Eats by a sweet friend!

You just gotta make the best of it. 💐🧁

Don’t get me wrong, it’s all strange as fuck. Especially when I see pictures of people who are able to gather, who are vaccinated, who are able to dip toes into the world as we once knew it. That family celebrating on the lawn wouldn’t have been possible this time last year. Probably… most likely… but this year, yeah! Let’s gather on the lawn with balloons and banners and wave!! It’s something, at least! And right now, that’s what I’m down for. It being something, at least. ❤

Nothing is permanent nor guaranteed. This all goes by too fast… even these days will once be in back of mind. So you gotta find the joyous moments however best you can.

It will be worth it. For both yourself and the person waving back. 😘💋

Xo.

• 

My 2020 birthday cake ❤💕

hope in a jar…

Hello, friend…

First off, to my mother who will read this tomorrow & text me, I’m aware it’s 1:23am as I sit down to write this. But that is the magic of my brain… in the quiet of the wee hours the desire to write and put words down is hard to avoid. I want to get it out now, not try to reenact it come sunrise.

And like most things I end up writing for a magazine or doing in my stand-up, it comes when I’m in the bathroom. I have come up with some great ideas in the bathroom! Side note… my dad proposed to my mom by yelling “Want to get married next weekend?” From the bathroom. So, clearly… it’s a magical place.

My parents are to get their 1st Covid-19 vaccine Monday. Many friends are or have gotten it. My boyfriend is set to get his (he lives in the States, lucky duck), my chiropractor got his today… for a moment, I allowed myself to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Which was a nice break, because, well, you know.

And while those thoughts danced in my head, and I prepared for 3 online comedy shows today, my brain then moved back into Eeyore mode. I guess nothing is working… oh well… specifically with my stand up career. I let a friend’s good news bring my inner critic to the front and berated myself for even doing comedy in the first place. And I sat in it. Letting it bother me.

I hate that I do this. But I do. I question everything… and then sign up for another mic. And then I question if I’m any good. I stupidly compare myself to others. But luckily, I have friends who are supportive and readily offer sage advice. Who gently, graciously remind me that I am… (insert nice thing here). 💕

I think if James were here and we were sitting at a patio table at Betty’s here in Toronto, he’d tell me that it’s fucking awesome what I’m doing. I should be proud as fuck. And I am proud as fuck!! So much of this is luck. My friend who posted the good news is lucky. I’m not mad at them or believe they’re not deserving. I’m absolutely not. Just my inner bully popped up to remind me of what I’ve not accomplished… yet.

Hear that inner critic? Yet. It’s a good word. I’ve not done x y or z… but I might! Or I’ll do a b or c! For someone who is anxious, panics, worries and all that as I am… I am impressed that I haven’t lost my desire to prove someone wrong. It’s a fun little see-saw inside my head. 😉

I guess the point of this entry is to remind yourself to keep at it. Yes, definitely keep at it. And if you need a nudge, hopefully you have friends at the ready to turn you back onto the road you were on. Or you have a guardian angel to tell you it’s all fucking great.

I don’t know about you, but I’m living a life I didn’t think I’d be living 10 years ago. And I have hope, but no real clue where I’ll be in 5 years.

I’ll just keep going this way and hope I’m headed in the right direction.

Xo.

the up side of down

Hello, friend…

I’ve been thinking a lot today about how I grew this year, how in all of this, my life somehow has… improved? It’s a strange thing to say, but out of all of this year (which I realize is not yet over) my resolve was tested in a way its never been. And I’m better for it. I can say that with complete honesty. And I say this despite the fact that this year is haaaaard.

I’ve never been stuck upside down on a rollercoaster but I think that’s a good way to describe 2020. We’ve collectively been upside down on a rollercoaster for 9 months.

At the start of the year I flew in a brutal snowstorm to Thunder Bay for a show. I was stunned the pilot was like “okay, game on!” about it. Now, I have been scared to death on a flight but I was with someone both times- but this time it was just me. My mom told me once to recite the 12 days of Christmas to calm my anxiety… I couldn’t think of the song… I prayed. I have never prayed like that ever. It felt strange but I couldn’t think of anything else to do. I did not want to go down in a snowstorm en route to Thunder Bay.

And that was foreshadowing, friends for the year to come. Because wowzers, this year has been bumpy. But much like that flight to Thunder Bay, I landed.

I have felt a lot of guilt about trying to see the silver linings in this year, but there have been silver linings in this year. A veil was lifted on a lot of stuff that we were collectively ignoring or personally convincing ourselves weren’t so bad… we’ve had to face up to a lot of dark truths this year. I’m grateful to that. I really fucking hope we can stop passing the “you fix racism hat” now. I really hope my fellow Caucasians actually read those books bought following George Floyd’s murder.

As an artist, as a comic, I love how many of us put on our DIY caps and found spaces to make art happen. Be it on Zoom or in a parking lot. Ive adapted, and I’m a better comedian and writer because of this year.

But with all the achievements, that lack of being able to celebrate with someone in person has hurt. A lot. With the friends who passed this year, not being able to take solace in an embrace has hurt a lot. But I know that with each year, not everyone is still in the car who was there at the start of the trip. Just this year… you feel the weight of it more. The absences are more prominent.

I grew this year though. I’m reminded of the title of a Tupac Shakur poetry book, A Rose That Grew From Concrete.

There has definitely been beauty in such empty spaces.

I’m so grateful for that. It’s brought peace for the moments of being told “we found something ” after a doctor’s appointment. I cannot tell you how often the word Cancer popped its head into my life this year. There certainly have been private moments of complete fear this year. But I’m here. I’m okay. As are some people very close to me.

So. Now. With vaccines there is hope, hope that hugs won’t be so scary one day and kissing a stranger at a bar won’t cause a panic attack. But we’re not there yet. But… there is hope. We gotta keep truckin’.

I’m not the same person that I was in February. This year has been hard, it’s been magical, it’s been quiet and equal parts loud. But I’m still here and I’m grateful. I’m still praying, it is something I do now. Who’d have thunk?

I have hope for the days ahead.

This plane will eventually land.

Xo.

sunset…

Hello, friend…

It’s a beautiful autumn/fall evening here in Toronto. I’m presently sitting on my balcony, glass of wine in hand, waiting for the stove to finish doing what it does… dinner moments away. I love looking at my neighborhood, seeing the trees now varying shades… some red, beautifully bold red… from my perch on the 18th floor, it’s quiet and calm.

Toronto is reversing in its Covid-19 progress. Things change at midnight tonight for 28 days. No indoor dining. No gyms. No movie nights at a cinema. I feel like we’re packing back up, a brief period of normalcy done for now. It’s time to get in the car and drive off for a while. But schools remain open. That I don’t quite get, but nonetheless… it’s going to get quiet once again around here.

I had 4 indoor comedy shows on the calendar. All have now been crossed out. To be re-booked at some point in time. But, not all is lost, with a multitude of online shows in my weeks to come… I still get to work. I just have to wait a bit longer for the feeling of heading to a club, calming my nerves in the green room- checking my make up in the mirror and say Hello to friends I’ve not seen in much too long.

I’ll just pack that up too, put it on the shelf for a little while.

I’m not angry, well, I am… but it’s more that I’m sad. I have been in such pain physically these past few weeks… the stress of this experience finally manifesting. There is no one to hug or kiss goodnight, those little glimmers of life just in my memory. I had a dream last night that I was a favourite bar, waiting to see a comedy show. A date with his arm around my waist.

Not a particularly scintillating dream. But that all seems like a lifetime ago. When the hell will I kiss a guy again? When will I be at The Rivoli again to see a show? I have no idea. Not that I couldn’t head to another city, less affected by Covid-19 and do that. I could. But it’s more when will I feel safe to do that again?

I’m not the same person that I was March 15th. For worse. For better. I’m a better comic, yes. I’m more anxious, sadly… yes

Well. Best to pack that up and put it on the shelf too.

The stove has rung, timer done. Salmon cooked. Lauryn Hill plays on my radio… I have to come back to reality so dinner doesn’t burn. And I need to nap after to be prepared for an 11:30pm show.

I can’t wallow in self pity for too long. There’s plenty to do.

Maybe that dream had last night will come true come the new year. I’ll be at a bar, nothing doing. Waiting for that cute guy to buy me a drink and say Hi.

I love how that’s what I dream of now.

Xo.

next up…

Hello, friend…

In the past week I have added dashes of my past life, in the Before Times, to my present one. A hug. Dinner on a patio at a restaurant. I’ve had lunch with my mom. I’ve been on the subway.

And it’s been lovely and good for my brain and my heart. But it has also resulted in a daily q & a with myself: was that a good decision? am I okay? It’s exhausting. I’m wanting to feel something familiar and I’m terrified at the same time. Like what Ray Bradbury novel did I wake up in back in March?!

Tonight, I had my first in person stand-up set since March. And it was astounding how that initial grab of the mic and stand felt. Setting the stand aside. Seeing people actually, physically in front of me. At a distance. I felt pretty good with my set, I thought I could have done better, but even now as I write this I wonder if it actually happened. I’m suspicious of everything! Was I at a show, really? Really?!

Yes. Of course I was. I washed the make up off my mask that I took it off once home! But I have such a skewed idea of reality now. I hate it. As much as I loved performing for the group of 6 or 7 tonight, it also scared me to be near strangers. I wonder if that fear will eventually subside… I hope so or I’m soon to make my therapist a very rich man.

I love making people laugh, be it online or in person… the joy is still there at the core. I won’t always be happy with my set, but I’ll always be grateful. And while I feel like this leap year (not sure where exactly we lept to, though) has aged me 15 years… I look at tonight, and I am grateful. This year has me breaking down moments, seeing the beauty in it all… being more observant of every little thing.

Not that I’ve ever taken stand-up for granted. A year ago today my mind wondered how my first time going to British Columbia would be like… could I make people laugh out there. I was soon absorbing each drop of joy because I was crossing this country to tell my jokes. That’s nuts!

A year later I travel the globe to tell jokes, albeit from my home. On my laptop. And I daydream of the day where I can go to Tokyo and do a set, or return to NYC and to my beloved Broadway Comedy Club.

Lighting fills the sky as I wrap this up. My fan humming in the background as it tries its best to cool my room and myself. I look at my bare legs and come to terms with the fact that I’ve not lost the weight I’d hope to have lost.

But these legs walked up stairs tonight and held me up while I told jokes. In person. For a night, for a couple hours, things felt as I remembered them. And until I can do that again, you can find me online… bringing some laughs to you, at home.

Xo.

At Montreal’s Art Loft, where I co-headlined for the very first time. (2017)