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clarity

Hello, friend…

I was in Chicago recently for a long overdue visit with a dear friend and a long overdue visit to Chicago itself (I was last there when Jordan played for the Bulls). That trip was good for the soul… and I made my American stand-up debuuuut!!! πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

I feel of late like a lot of signs are popping up. Metaphorically and literally. I feel as though my intuition and I are on the same level… yup, I’ve made some really dumb romantic choices of late but I know it’s time to walk away. Just leave it there, no harm done really… just not right for me. Not that it doesn’t break my heart. But it’s good to know when it’s time to tap out and walk.

The clarity is good. I think with some stuff in my life I can only shrug and say I tried. My heart is pretty open and guys have taken some knocks to it. I can say I try too hard a lot of the time, yes but it’s all done w/ good intentions.

Chicago was good because it showed me that there’s more out there than what I know. Which was a good reminder. I feel more confident, sexier and beautiful than ever before… I know I can do things. Even if I fail, I know the value in giving it a try.

It’s time to let stuff go and walk away. It’s time to let some relationship hopes go. New paths are ahead… I need a lighter load. πŸ’—

Xo.

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support line

Hello, friend…

Yesterday I treated myself to a Reiki session by a dear friend. I have been feeling a lot of energy around me of late, mostly good but also negative and it was time to gain some perspective. My nature is that of an anxious creature. My default switch sometimes falls into “sky is falling territory”. But as I’ve gotten older, I’m forcing it more into the “la-dee-da” direction… or I try like hell to.

I’ve recently learned I might be anemic. Which would explain why I’ve felt like a deflated balloon a fair amount. (Further blood tests will confirm if I am. Not a deflated balloon, but anemic.) I’m also in a new job, hostessing at a restaurant, and have been told I need to not look so stressed if I am stressed. Which for someone with anxiety is not the easiest of tasks. It’s like asking anyone, can you not breathe for a bit? Cool. πŸ˜‰

I worry by nature. I worry too much for a woman of a Protestant background. Leading me to believe that I might really be Jewish or Catholic. Ha!! My point is… there is a lot wired in my system that I need to unlearn. And I can, it’s just going to take time. Maybe my body will balance out again and my signs of anemia will start to reverse.

For as much abundance in my life as there is, and there is a ton, it’s annoying as fuck that I still look for what’s not in it sometimes. Someone to say good morning to as I roll over, a bank account that doesn’t appear to have an eating disorder… After my session yesterday I realized all of these dumb thoughts are just as toxic to my system.

I sat on my balcony last night and gazed up at the stars and just took a breath. I’m blissfully lucky. I’ve worked for a chance to live my life as I choose. And a late night chat with someone I care for deeply, shook me out of my bucket of doubt. He reminded me that neither of us got where we are by accident. It’s taken work. We are both fuelled by a passion to do what we love and that is a beautiful gift. (Support like this is why he brings me such joy. He consistently knows what to say and when. I won the lotto meeting him.πŸ’—)

Yes. I perceive my life sometimes as a car rolling off a cliff to that damn song from Benny Hill sometimes. But ya know what, I wouldn’t do a damn thing different.

I’ve got a lot of good stuff in my life and I’m grateful for my superheroes for reminding me when I slip up and forget. πŸ’‹

Xo.

pure joy.

Hello, friend…

Something kind of lovely happened today. I spent time with someone who I hadn’t seen in about two years, a fella who I met purely by chance two years ago at a tattoo shop, on a spring day on Queen St West.

I recall making him laugh. I cannot remember what I said, but that laugh I remember.

And all of those butterflies and sparks were still there today. I think I caught him blush in a moment or two… There’s a line in the movie You’ve Got Mail where Tom Hanks’ character is asked if he knows anyone who brings him pure joy and happiness. And he says yes, he does. I feel that way about this guy… I feel like I did in 5th grade, when I fell in love with Todd C. πŸ˜‰πŸ’“

I dressed strategically today. I know his favourite colour… so clever am I. Ha!

The honest truth is I don’t know when I might see this guy again. I hope it will be sooner than later but… to know that lovely little sprinkle of magic is still out there? That’s pretty cool. Just pure joy… it’s still there. Floating around. β˜„

That’s all. Just letting you in on a happy moment from today and in on the secret that there’s a guy out there who makes me smile like this… (see photo below) Because the truth is most days I just never know if love will come back around- maybe I’ve had all the relationships I’ll ever have. That’s that, proverbial game over.

What to do. What. To. Do. πŸ˜‹

Xo.

what’s in a name…

Hello, friend…

Yesterday, after a particularly bumpy start to my day, my friend Kim sent me a note letting me know Kate Spade had taken her own life. A designer who, to so many people who knew her brand, gave off a bubbly, bright, luxurious and happy image. (I have longed to own a Kate Spade bag for years, but I can’t afford one.) She projected, through her fashion and home decor, elegance and fun. A lot of folks, myself included, would have thought she had it all and was on top of the world. Those bright, bubbly colours hid the true colours though… the colours that may not have sold as many things. We all carry baggage, but those who own a Kate Spade bag likely never knew how heavy things were for the designer. And now we do.

As a lot of folks know, I walked away from a pretty lucrative tv production job a number of years back. I madeΒ good money. And when I told people what I did, there was a twinkle of “oh, that must be so exciting” in their eyes. Gosh, yes, it was most days! It absolutely was. But I started to notice my weight going up, I was drinking a lot more than a woman who lived alone should, and… I wasn’t happy. And yes, that money helped cover bills, but it couldn’t cover up the stress and the tension I felt doing what I did. I wanted to help create more on shows, but I was stuck in a box of being the one people came to for schedules and booking equipment and yelled at for when their hotel room wasn’t as advertised. I got yelled at A LOT. I took it, but I’m very sponge like so I absorbed it all.

I have absolutely no idea how Kate managed day to day. I wonder what she would have done if a door opened to allow her to be something else.

My life at 40 is the polar opposite of what it was at 30. I am doing things now that I NEVER EVER saw coming, but dreamed about on occasion- but never actually thought would happen. When I was younger and wondered about what my life would be like at 30 and beyond, I couldn’t see it. I legit couldn’t see it- which kind of scared me- but I think it’s because this was beyond what I imagined. Telling jokes at a bar in Brampton? Doing stand-up for the first time outside of Toronto in Gatineau, Quebec?! Fuck no, I did NOT see ANY of that coming. I’m a paid writer,Β I get paid to write things. I did not see that coming either, but I dreamed about it. And it is AWESOME.

I’m at a place now where what I do brings me joy. I’m also at a place where what I do doesn’t bring me much money. Ha. It’s a fine little tightrope walk, is it not? I traded one thing for another. And it’s hard, it’s hard because the financial pressure is really heavy. I want to be killing it in both aspects of my life, but it’s a balancing act right? I’m finding my footing. I’m doing all that I can so that I can do what I want to do. So, I feel like I’m on the right track… but damn, this isn’t easy.

What I’m proudest of though is that I’m doing what I want to do, and going after what I want to go after. I have never taken the easy path with things… even in the tv life I had, that wasn’t a walk in the park… but the choices I’ve made have lead me to find happiness in what I choose to do. So that’s something, right? I’m grateful for that. Now I need to make that help my credit card bills disappear… ha.

I genuinely feel for the family Kate Spade left behind, I mean we all will not be here one day but to leave the world as she did… my heart breaks. To anyone who projects an image that isn’t necessarily who they truly feel they are, my heart breaks. Being honest and authentic with yourself isn’t easy, it won’t always look good in the glossy pages of a magazine. Your bank statements may look like a Stephen King novel. But it’s important to be yourself, talk and live your most authentic life. And ask for help when you need it, ’cause it’ll be there in one form or another.

xo.

take a breath

Hello, friend…

How has your week been? I feel as though this week all that could possibly be thrown into a week, was thrown into the week. I’ve thought a lot about time and its fragility, I’ve been creative, I’ve met with friends whom I’d not seen in a while, I honoured the memory of a friend who’s passing still hurts as fresh as it first did six years ago. I got a new tooth! Yes, there was dental surgery too. AND there are still two days to go. πŸ˜‰

(deep breath in) (exhale)

What I think I’ve come to respect the most this week is how my friends and family are connected, how we each have a role to play and how we all compliment each other. The week has been a bit of lesson in how at 40 years old, I will still ask my mom if things will be okay. And I know she doesn’t actually know, but she kept me calm nevertheless- as she knew she needed to do.

So… there have been heavy days this week mixed in with a lot of joy. Making my afternoon hangout with a dear friend to meditate all the more needed and necessary. I use a 1980s VERY retro video of Shirley MacLean to guide me as I do my open eyed meditations- an ex-boyfriend once gave me a copy- and don’t laugh, but I tell you…Β it still holds up and is damned near perfect. And I love how we chose to meditate today- not knowing at the time the blender of adventure I was in for… do you meditate? If not, no judgement here. Personally, I love it. I love how just taking the time to sit and listen to what my body is telling me truly calms my breathing and makes me aware of what I’m holding onto. Sometimes I can acknowledge it and let it go, sometimes I can’t- but I am aware something’s there which is a good thing.

In talking afterwards, of how relationships over the past number of years haven’t worked out for me, I had a lightbulb moment at my friend’s home. A relationship that ended eight years ago, in a painful fashion (I thought he was proposing- he actually dumped me) is still a marker that I measure with relationships since. There’s a fear I hold that it will end and I will get hurt by [insert name here]… ending of course, in the relationship actually endingΒ before I gave it time to breathe. So I plug everything into it super soon, and I panic, and I don’t give it time to grow. Now, I have met some straight-up asshats who don’t deserve me and prove that theory wrong- but for the most part I think I treat most guys as that one from eight years ago. Somewhere, I assume it won’t work out, so … yeah. It doesn’t.

In all other aspects of my life, I am super confident (for the most part) and aware that bumps are par for the course.

In relationships, I am all thumbs. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing most of the time, because somewhere deep down I’ve felt for so long that I’m not good enough for [insert name here]. WHICH IS SUCH BULLSHIT!!! Of course I’m good enough and deserving!! I’ve put my heart out there a lot, and too many times has my relationship-equivalent of the Hamburglar swiped it away.

I’m in better shape now, I can run after him and get it back. Or, I can see that he doesn’t get it in the first place. Tomorrow is a new day, so we will test that theory out! πŸ˜‰

I think a tune that makes me smile is needed to wrap this up, so I’ll share a favourite… some De La Soul shall we? (And get the LP De La Soul is Dead if you can find it. It’sΒ sublime.)

 

xo.

this is a thing…?

It has been a WHILE since I went to the TIAT file on this blog, but, I’m feeling rather happy of late and excited for the Royal wedding for some reason or another- SO!- for that forgetful groom or bride to be… yes, this is a thing:

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/premier-inn-wedding-vending-machines-resizeable-ring-flip-flops-gift-a8336951.html

Here’s hoping neither Harry nor Meghan will need it on Saturday.Β Although that would make me SO happy to see that happen…

xo.

school night

Hello, friend…

Well, a new week begins this week as is the case come Monday… but with this week, I start a new part time job! Back to the food world I go & I’m genuinely excited and nervous. I get to start something new and I get to put money in the bank on a regular basis. Win-win, I say! ⚘⚘⚘

And after a weekend that was filled with the emotional rollercoaster that is going through boxes of your childhood memories… looking at old report cards and coming across my early attempts at creative writing… I know I had a vision set for myself early on. I knew my path and followed it to my first TV job at a local cable station in Etobicoke.

But looking back and seeing what has brought me to where I am NOW? I’d never have seen this coming. Ever. I have a deep deep appreciation for the past- I cherish items to this day… but I never had a “Changed her life path in her mid 30s” Barbie as a kid. Barbie had careers! She had Ken to support in his… modelling career? Anyway. She had shit to do and her life together.

It’s crazy to go through your past as you’re figuring out your future… and my emotions took a hit this weekend. So yes, there was some serious time travelling this weekend but it came at a time when I’ve been wondering if I’m doing anything right of late. BUT!! I’m living the life I want, which my younger self championed (underneath many layers of self-doubt … but it was there, I promise). And I think that’s pretty sweet.

So! Here’s to a new chapter this week! Take some deep breaths in and out… we got this. πŸ’—

Xo.

(A piano recital, likely early 90s- captured in a Polaroid)