lists.

Hello, friend…

Okay. One more blog entry for 2023.

I read the fabulous blog The Isolation Journals (you should too, go subscribe here: https://open.substack.com/pub/theisolationjournals/p/the-five-lists-ebe?r=iuthd&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email and today, Suleika posted her Five List writing prompt.

“In place of resolutions, journal your way into the New Year with five lists.

1. What in the last year are you proud of?
2. What did this year leave you yearning for?
3. What’s causing you anxiety?
4. What resources, skills, and practices can you rely on in the coming year?
5. What are your wildest, most harebrained ideas and dreams?”

So! Here are my answers, I encourage you to journal and answer these as well.

What in the last year are you proud of?
I am proud of the short documentary that I co-wrote and co-directed, Janelle Niles: Inconvenient (it’s streaming in Canada, hopefully more of the world in 2024). This time last year, as I was preparing to shoot the film- I was so unsure of what would happen to it and it has done SO well. I am proud of my debut comedy album coming into the world, Sugar n’ Spice & Smirnoff Ice (available on all the things- Spotify to Bandcamp). I am proud of all the comedy road miles I put in, I am proud that I did not throw-up on an extremely bumpy flight out of LA during the “HurriQuake” of 2023, I am proud of the creations I put into the world this year from podcasting to food and I am proud (and so happy) that my boyfriend decided it was time to introduce me to his kids. Having our film No Responders Left Behind screen at the 9/11 Memorial & Museum in NYC was a huge honor, only topped by people personally thanking us post screening. Seeing my name in CNN when it played on the channel this fall… then hearing my brothers band in the closing credits- huge huge pride there.

What did this year leave you yearning for?
I think 2023 left me yearning for peace- both in the world around me and personally. Personally, I put a lot of art into the world in my own little way but yet I still look to my friends and my peers and I compare. I leave 2023 yearning for peace and quiet in my brain, that I just have gratitude my offerings to the comedy world- whatever the size- happened in the first place. It’s okay not to be on any year-end lists, just as it’s okay to be on them!

What’s causing you anxiety?
Professionally, this was a good year and I’m anxious to see what I will create next. Will it be enough? I think there is nervous excitement there, because I have ideas and hopes for what my offerings for 2024 will be. And 2024 itself is causing my anxiety- the world is in a bad space and I’m worried about elections and the continuation of wars and it’s just a lot if I sit and think about it too much.

What resources, skills and practices can you rely on in the coming year?
My ability to write, to produce, to edit are all things I can rely on. When I’m in doubt, I can write- if only to clear my own head and get me back on track.

What are your wildest, most harebrained ideas and dreams?
Okay let’s go big here… Make a documentary with Questlove, write a screenplay (I have an idea and it’s a really good one!), get a series on Food Network, showcase for Just For Laughs & MAKE IT TO JFL in Montreal, take my one woman show (which is not yet written, but for the purposes of this is) to Edinburgh Fringe, get out of debt & cut up my credit cards and walk away from them knowing they are paid off… and… get a Green card so I can go get that dream job writing for Late Night with Seth Meyers in the US of A. Maybe get married? (I don’t know about that last one, really, it’s a nice idea but not a necessity… but I’d like to live with my boyfriend one day someday. That would be nice.)

xo.

My last morning in 2023 from my big bed at this Airbnb… a new year awaits…

regrets… i’ve had a few…

Hello, friend…

Had things gone as I’d hoped, I’d be getting ready to head to NYC and set to return to Gotham Comedy Club tomorrow night. But as life is… what I had hoped for isn’t actually going to happen.

And I am cruuuuuushed. And I can see the club in my mind’s eye… my walking on stage as my name is being called… but ain’t gonna happen. Not tomorrow anyway. Why? Well, I had to have a required number of people to come see me & I just couldn’t make it happen this time.

I mean, it happens. You plan all you want in life and it’s not that you aren’t deserving of it happening… but that the timing isn’t right.

At least that’s what I’m telling myself. I cried last night when I gave it a think for too long. I mean NYC is a BIG opportunity! That right person could be there in the audience to see my act. I know how precious these gigs are.

So needless to say, I feel deflated tonight. Needless to say, I will hope to hell I get another shot.

I turned my life path around in my mid 30s. I was heading one way and turned right around. And one could make a very strong argument looking at my finances that I likely made a HUGE career mistake. But had I not walked away from everything I knew, I never would have realized that there was all of this still inside of me.

And that, I would argue, is priceless.

It’s also made me more appreciative. And I feel kinda scrappy… in a way that I feel like I can take a challenge head on, and just go in and do the thing. Which may be something about being in my 40s or it’s maybe because I noticed a few years ago there was a tiny sign on the road I was on that said Happiness This Way- pointing to a field that had no clear path.

So tomorrow, I’ll hit an open mic in Toronto. It won’t be Gotham but hey… I’ll try again another day. I’ll hustle harder to get those numbers. I’ve been there before… I can get back there again.

I’ll just keep trying.

Xo.