Tag Archives: grief

… a little bit of magic

Hello, friend…

I’m just home from a really great night. I did some stand-up at a venue I’d never been at before and the place was packed and friends were there… and there was some super fun karaoke times afterwards. The simple fact that I get to go and tell jokes is something I beam over. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE stand-up. I feel my nerves go up to a level I cannot describe as I’m being introduced and then I get to the mic, and I feel like I’m home.

I feel at home on stage, just me with a mic, telling jokes.

I don’t think I could have predicted EVER saying that 20 years ago, when I was at the bar next door to the venue I was at tonight.

20 years ago, I headed over to Toronto’s famed McVeigh’s for the first time with my dear James for a pint. I’d never had Guinness before, but James didn’t need to know that. But that night was magic… we talked about EVERYTHING, we confessed having feelings for each other. We kissed for the first time in a corner of the basement. That night I fell in love with James, and Guinness and Van Morrison.

As you know, if you follow my stories, James has been gone for just about a year now. Tonight, as I left the club, after a girl power inspired of No Scrubs with my friends- I was smiling as I do and looked at McVeigh’s and saw James and I that night 21 years ago saying our good-nights. Or trying to. 😉 I kept walking and then completely caught my breath… because…

When James was getting really, really sick we talked. And I decided with my love being so sick, he couldn’t do all he wanted to do so… since I had been thinking about doing stand-up for a good year at that point, I decided to jump and I asked friends if I could do a set at their show. They said Yes.

Something I now love to do SO MUCH came from my pain of knowing he wasn’t well. So James… thank you for pushing me. You always knew I could do things I never thought I could do. Thank you so fucking much.

I’m home and it’s 2am and I’m eating McDonald’s and my throat hurts from laughing and singing off-key and I’m so happy.

xo.

park life

Hello, friend…

An interesting thing happened today. Well, a sad thing… but it became interesting. Today my late James’ … well, there wasn’t a funeral but there was a ceremony to remember him today. And I thought I’d be okay to talk about it… but clearly, I can’t.

I’ve tried and erased it more than five times.

So.

A few years ago he moved out of the city, and I am without a car, but you use what you’ve got right…? So, I headed to the park across the street. James’ service was begin held among the trees and such, so I made do with what was nearby. And sat on a bench dedicated to someone named Francis*. I’ve sat there before, and I like the bench. It’s got a good view…. Francis’ friends chose well.

I can’t tell you much about my sitting there today, except to say I cried a fair bit. I miss him. I miss him a lot. He saw courage in me before I did. He knew I was capable of just going for something and getting it done. And as I was thinking about this, I cried … and closed my eyes. And when I opened them, I was face to face with a bunny. Yep! A bunny. I’m going to go out on a limb and say James wanted to me to stop crying so he called in a bunny. Good call, dude. It helped. A random rabbit sighting always helps!!

I looked up and then saw a butterfly. At which point I said out-loud “really, James? A butterfly?  Show-off.” 😉

Look, I guess the point of this blog is grief is weird and death is such a fucking downer and I want my friend back SO BADLY. (sigh) Look. I hate that James is gone, but I admire his magical bunny & butterfly powers & his reminder that I still have courage and I can still do stuff. (I’m making a documentary!! I’m doing stand-up comedy!)

I took a selfie after the butterfly went by… there was a beam of sunlight over my shoulder. Jeepers, James… why do you have to be supercool even in the afterlife?

Cripes… you’re such a jerk.

But I love you anyway. xo.2016-06-27_19.21.56

(Bunny! Me & my light! Flowers in lieu of the butterfly sighting… damn thing wouldn’t stay still.)

(* James’ dad had a middle name… it was Francis. Ridiculous.)