juxtaposed, i suppose…

Hello, friend…

I’m currently in my hotel room in Montréal trying to be as quiet as a mouse while my dearest sleeps. We got up early for the free hotel breakfast, which was busier than a Taylor Swift concert, ate, and he’s now fallen back into a pancake induced slumber. Whereas I am debating about going to the museum (I absolutely love to visit the Musée des Beaux Arts whenever I’m here) or take my book to a nearby café. But both require leaving our cozy room to venture into the chilly weather… hmmm.

Either way, I feel a bit like the madness of the past 72 hrs has come to a pause & in all honesty, I feel a bit lost. Without going into great detail, someone I love dearly & whom I have known my whole life had a terrible accident this week. And we were left just waiting to know more and plan next steps and sit and wait for a few days. Which I knew in the moment was taxing, but also now, as I feel myself unravel slightly… I can feel anxiety’s grip relaxing a bit now that we have an idea that things are on the up and up. And my only worries are how do I adjust things on the calendar if need be? But, those worries aren’t too dire. Because you can only plan so much, then life does what it does. It reminds us, gently or harshly, that there is a clock.

I’m someone who has great interest and curiosity about what was here before me, my ancestry, and how I got here- who laid the groundwork for my path… I understand one day I’ll no longer be here, which I find so scary & intriguing in the same breath. When time is short, it is short. When time is long, it is short. That four years ago this month, this day I had no idea the world was about to close up shop for Covid-19? That was four years ago! Four! How?! My dearest friend, Aaron, whom I have known since high school- we grabbed a coffee the other day at an old high school haunt, and while we are now 30 some odd years older and he’s an accomplished actor & filmmaker and I am doing whatever the heck it is that I do… it seems like no time has passed at all. Yet, the comedy clubs he’d let me take him to when we were teens are no longer there on Lombard Street. But now, he knows to listen for me on CBC Radio later this year. 😉💋

Four years ago, about this time, I was in Montréal hoping to be where I am now. Doing weekend shows, my face on the poster. And then life just changed course & I wondered is that all there is? I don’t get to do this anymore? And then someone yelled pivot! And well, here we are. And I have hope to be somewhere else- new goals are on the board. I have been involved in the Toronto comedy scene ever since I met Aaron, back in the 1990s, and I’ve seen sooooooo many people and places come and go. And somehow, I got a 2nd act. And I wonder what my 3rd act will be like… I’m always looking ahead, sometimes forgetting to be present- but not too often.

You can reinvent yourself. Whether you think you’re ready or not.

Xo.

Grow baby, grow.

lists.

Hello, friend…

Okay. One more blog entry for 2023.

I read the fabulous blog The Isolation Journals (you should too, go subscribe here: https://open.substack.com/pub/theisolationjournals/p/the-five-lists-ebe?r=iuthd&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email and today, Suleika posted her Five List writing prompt.

“In place of resolutions, journal your way into the New Year with five lists.

1. What in the last year are you proud of?
2. What did this year leave you yearning for?
3. What’s causing you anxiety?
4. What resources, skills, and practices can you rely on in the coming year?
5. What are your wildest, most harebrained ideas and dreams?”

So! Here are my answers, I encourage you to journal and answer these as well.

What in the last year are you proud of?
I am proud of the short documentary that I co-wrote and co-directed, Janelle Niles: Inconvenient (it’s streaming in Canada, hopefully more of the world in 2024). This time last year, as I was preparing to shoot the film- I was so unsure of what would happen to it and it has done SO well. I am proud of my debut comedy album coming into the world, Sugar n’ Spice & Smirnoff Ice (available on all the things- Spotify to Bandcamp). I am proud of all the comedy road miles I put in, I am proud that I did not throw-up on an extremely bumpy flight out of LA during the “HurriQuake” of 2023, I am proud of the creations I put into the world this year from podcasting to food and I am proud (and so happy) that my boyfriend decided it was time to introduce me to his kids. Having our film No Responders Left Behind screen at the 9/11 Memorial & Museum in NYC was a huge honor, only topped by people personally thanking us post screening. Seeing my name in CNN when it played on the channel this fall… then hearing my brothers band in the closing credits- huge huge pride there.

What did this year leave you yearning for?
I think 2023 left me yearning for peace- both in the world around me and personally. Personally, I put a lot of art into the world in my own little way but yet I still look to my friends and my peers and I compare. I leave 2023 yearning for peace and quiet in my brain, that I just have gratitude my offerings to the comedy world- whatever the size- happened in the first place. It’s okay not to be on any year-end lists, just as it’s okay to be on them!

What’s causing you anxiety?
Professionally, this was a good year and I’m anxious to see what I will create next. Will it be enough? I think there is nervous excitement there, because I have ideas and hopes for what my offerings for 2024 will be. And 2024 itself is causing my anxiety- the world is in a bad space and I’m worried about elections and the continuation of wars and it’s just a lot if I sit and think about it too much.

What resources, skills and practices can you rely on in the coming year?
My ability to write, to produce, to edit are all things I can rely on. When I’m in doubt, I can write- if only to clear my own head and get me back on track.

What are your wildest, most harebrained ideas and dreams?
Okay let’s go big here… Make a documentary with Questlove, write a screenplay (I have an idea and it’s a really good one!), get a series on Food Network, showcase for Just For Laughs & MAKE IT TO JFL in Montreal, take my one woman show (which is not yet written, but for the purposes of this is) to Edinburgh Fringe, get out of debt & cut up my credit cards and walk away from them knowing they are paid off… and… get a Green card so I can go get that dream job writing for Late Night with Seth Meyers in the US of A. Maybe get married? (I don’t know about that last one, really, it’s a nice idea but not a necessity… but I’d like to live with my boyfriend one day someday. That would be nice.)

xo.

My last morning in 2023 from my big bed at this Airbnb… a new year awaits…

soup’s on!

Hello, friend…

Well, the countdown to 2024 is on… one more day and then a new year is here. I don’t know where you are to celebrate (or ignore, as NYE celebrations aren’t for everyone)… but I’m up in the woods with family. At a cottage we’re renting, surrounded by woodsy delights. Definitely not a setting I’ve been at before to celebrate a new year and put the present one to bed, and I kind of like the idea of starting a new year in a new place. I’m not one for resolutions, but I like setting up a vibe… I pick a word to be my theme of my year, so literally being in a new place is a nice extension of that. And honestly, with the word the complete mess that it is, it’s nice to sit in a pocket of stillness and calm… with all that is happening around me, I’m looking out a window right now at a lake as the sun sets. Being present. And grateful.

Earlier, I was doing dishes while most of the house went out for a hike. My dad eventually joining me to have some soup my brother made. I made a comment it was a good soup, and my dad answered “Of Course!” with such bravado. As if I had said the most ridiculous of things. “Of course my son would make a good soup! He’s my son, after all!” For the record, I do not know how to make soup… good or not… but I can bake. “Of course!” I love my dad, but listening to him slurp soup was just… ohmygod. I put on a generic YouTube jazz channel to drown out the slurps and replace them with bebops; and then my inner voice reminded me while I hate this sound now, I will one day hate that it’s not there. And I angrily shrugged at my inner voice, knowing it was right. (And really, this goes for anyone I eat soup with, my dad or otherwise.) I kept the jazz playing though, just to be safe.

Where the sink is in the kitchen, with the window above it and the sunroom door just to the right – kind of reminded me of my mom’s cottage that we went to when I was younger. I used to look out that window sometimes, onto the back porch where family might sit and pretend that was the front of the house. I did that a lot as a kid, pretend front was back and up was down. I would take baths and look at the reflection in the water and wonder what that underwater world would be like to join… I still do that as an adult, to a degree. The fun part about pursuing art as a grownup is that play is a necessity. Heck, even if art isn’t your occupation, I think play as a grownup should be mandatory. Offices should have nap times! Milk and cookies at 3pm for all!

My word for 2023, by the way, was UP. Professionally, I made some nice movements up the proverbial ladder… new credits added to the resume… personally, some lovely moments to be a part of like my niece’s wedding. All things on the up n’ up! Which leaves me on the perch of 2024 not totally sure of what’s next, but perhaps that’s why I’m going with Balance as my word for the year to come. I feel trepidation about the year to come in many ways, but also excited with ideas in the proverbial fire… balance will be key because this decade is BONKERS… and play will be necessary next year. So necessary. Also, I’m heading into my 46th year next year… which makes me shake my head because I have the stability of a 12 year old crashing after having had too much sugar most days. As I get older, it sure is strange how it’s puberty in reverse and I’m re-learning everything over again. We get so many manuals and how to’s when we come into the world, I think a mid-life check in would be a great idea. Something like a multiple choice, with the popular answer being “I haven’t enough coffee today, I do not know.”

And hey! Maybe I’ll come out of 2024 with a really good soup recipe, too. It’s not a resolution, just an intention… and it’s all about having good intentions, right?

Well. Thank you for reading this year, and commenting as you do. It means a lot because I put these out with no idea where my words and thoughts will land. So I’m glad you’re there to catch them.

Of course!

xo.

Welcoming in 2024 on thin, beautiful ice

let’s hear it for my mental health!

Hello, friend…

Two interesting things happened today.

One: I pulled a muscle in my neck because I surprised myself opening my umbrella. I am 45, though so this should be of no surprise to anyone over 40.

Two: While eating a lovely warm croissant and some salmon and drinking a coffee for breakfast- a meal that was truly delicious and lovely… I got really, really sad. I’ve often described my transition to “sad Kelly” to doctors over the years as feeling like a magnet is pulling me down. It’s all hormone related, PMS adjacent, it’s all that but holy hell as I continue through Perimenopause does this ever feel like it’s cranked up to 11.

I’ve noticed over the years, especially the last 7 or so, that these things my body and brain has always done has just gotten SO intense. Painfully intense sometimes, as it did today. So I heeded my boyfriend’s advice and went for a walk, grabbing my umbrella and strolling the Montreal streets… all the while reminding myself that as much as this feeling of cement in my body sucks balls- it’s likely very very normal as I bid a long goodbye to my menstrual cycle.

And knowing that I had a show coming up tonight, I reached out to my online comedy friends for some virtual assistance as to what to do. Donna telling me to go for junk food, a good movie and a fave drink… Lalita jokingly advising a drink of Bobba cures all! But my friends coming to my aid, Katie telling me wisely to just have as much fun as I could at my show. These kind humans all over the world, but in our chat thread- we’re all in the same space. I don’t know what I’d do without them.

I am a happy person most of the time, but I am also very sarcastic- I can be sassy… though that side of me comes out more when I’m doing a comedic roast battle. That “I don’t give a shit” feeling is more prevalent where the intent to is to be jokingly mean. So whatever cocktail my brain has been stirring today, that feeling was there and I couldn’t shake it. And I had an amazing, amazing set. And when you have those sets as a comic- it’s an incredible rush. And now I’m wondering, okay, how do I be depressed more often?! Hahaha- I kid, of course but it’s interesting. It’s interesting (and wonderful) that strangers were thanking me for making them laugh so hard and an hour before I got to the show I was crying for no reason in particular- this magnetic feeling pulling me away from happy.

But I think the work on for me is to take the genuine frustration I feel towards SO MANY aspects of this stage of my life and funnel that into my set. More than ever. And the ammo is there because I fucking hate what my body is doing some days!!! I made it work tonight, clearly, and it felt good to do that in my hometown at a sold out show.

Despite the fact that I didn’t feel good, I made others laugh and I do know the power of that. And they gave the love back, which helps me just as much and in a way that they’d never know.

xo.

I always ask the universe to show me a ❤️ to remind me I’m on the right path. After the show tonight, I looked down at the metro platform and spotted a little rain created heart. It was gone after I snapped this pic. Thank you, spirit guides! 🙏

the heaviness of air…

Hello, friend…

I’ve felt like I’ve been trying to keep afloat in quicksand for 48 hours now. Everything is a struggle. I’ve thought of a joke, and the idea of picking up a pen tires me out. I’m saying “I need to sit down”, I’m too tired to leave my house yet I need supplies so I’m asking favors of my parents.

Every.

Word.

Is.

Heavy.

So what’s going on? Well, I’m 45. And a female en route to Menopause. And I’m trying to give you an idea of how it feels to go through a menstrual cycle so heavy you feel like all the air has been sucked out of your body.

It doesn’t help that I am also anemic.

But trust me, I’m napping after each paragraph! I am exhausted!!!!! I am trying to work up the energy right now to make a smoothie with spinach & it just seems like a big ask… 😆… I am taking extra iron supplements… I would munch on a hammer if I thought it might help…

I’m reminded of a scene from Sex & the City years back, where Charlotte bemoans that she’s been dating since she was 15 and cries out “Where is he?!” Well, I’ve been menstruating since I was 10 & I am wondering the same about Menopause… “Where is it?!”

I mean I know it’s coming, I know I’m in this un-spoken of phase called Perimenopause. I know there are fibrous bits in me to be removed, polyps, but right now I’m going into another round of crying on my toilet “What’s wrong with me?”. It’s hard.

It’s hard out here for a… Perimenopausal woman. I’m mad at my body today. But, I know this is part of what it does.

Of course, this isn’t the experience of everyone who menstrates but it is mine and I know I’m not alone. And a few girlfriends have offered comforting words & nodding glances…

I know there’s a lot of joking about PMS and casting it aside as one of those things but please know this can be extremely hard to go through. And the bitch of it is that is just happens, and I am expected to match along willingly.

Or in this case, rest.

And hope for the best.

Xo.

crowds.

Hello, friend…

I honestly don’t remember much about living through SARS in Toronto in the early 2000s… my dad was going through cancer treatment and that likely takes priority in my brain. But I do remember some underlying fear of crowds, and wondering when the fear of SARS would be over.

And then, one day, the city let out a sigh of relief. The beast was conquered. It was safe again… and I went to this massive concert called SARStock. Every musician was there. Every person in Toronto was there, it seemed. And I’m Claustrophobic… but waiting in the massive lines at the gate, I just remembered missing crowds. It hit me how I had missed being around so many people. Buying food at the various vendors, I had missed that, too. But it was really that moment of heading in with my ticket, body to body with others that I felt a sense of it’s okay again.

I know our collective experience with Covid has been different, but I have still been waiting for that feeling I had at that concert in 2003. For a bubble to pop, so to speak. Despite all my travels, I hadn’t had that experience yet.

And then tonight, I went to a concert with a friend to see some superstars of my youth… TLC, En Vogue, Shaggy… and it was wall to wall people. A outdoor concert and yet still, just a sea of people. It felt Claustrophobic… but… I was okay.

So, I head to the Porta Potties as I needed to do … and thanks to toilet seat being left down after the two ladies who exited the stall together (likely not having had to pee- let’s be honest), well, first off I did not know those things had toilet seats but this one fucking did… but my point is that someone (me) may have peed on a toilet seat (I absolutely did). And accidentally sat in it. (Again, totally did.) So all this is happening as I panicked trying to dry my pants and pray my shirt covered everything in this teeny tiny stall… all the while saying to myself you’re okay, you ate fine, it’s okay.

And at the communal hand washing station, which was frighteningly low on water and soap, I made eye contact with an older woman trying to clean her hands too and I said this feels just like SARStock and she laughed.

And then it happened! That proverbial bubble popped. That sensation I’d been waiting for hit me. It’s gonna be okay…

And so I walked back to friend, with slightly damper pants than I wanted. Knowing that while Covid isn’t gone gone, I honestly felt my shoulders relax as I walked back into the crowd, and we got our groove on to Shaggy crooning into the night. Singing along with an energized crowd and it giving me a sense of closure and relief that I was hoping for- yet in the last place I thought I’d find it.

Xo.

Ontario Place, Budwiser Stage June 2023

44: day one…

Hello, friend…

I have wrapped up my first day as a 44 year old lady. There was so much food. There were hugs. Time with family. Laughter. Love. Simple things mattering more than ever.

Time is precious. We are still navigating pandemic life. Nothing is promised but much is hoped for. Not that long ago, 12 days ago to be specific, I fell and faceplanted on concrete. I just fell- no exciting tale… my legs just decided to try something different I guess. 12 days ago I was deeply scared, but today I’m doing GREAT. And I can now take ride in ambulance off my bucket list…

But when I fell, when I saw how cut up my face was, I worried about a full schedule of shows coming up & wondered would I be okay to do them? This was not a good time to fall. But. IS there a good time to fall? It’s not like we can coordinate when we fall- Monday at 4pm works. Ya know?

Days are precious. Don’t waste them. And if life requires you to be still for a bit, be still. The shows can be rescheduled or you will learn, as I did, you will be okay to go on with the show. But you will only learn that as the next day comes… be patient.

I say this to remind myself, because I forget and I worry. I judge myself. I get angry I didn’t do x, y or zee 5 years ago. It doesn’t matter, this moment matters. Tomorrow a film I helped make is up for a big award, and as much I’m dreaming of winning the big prize, I find myself a nominee and I’m in a group that I never imagined being in. A Canadian Screen Awards Nominee. Not everyone can say that. So whatever should happen at the ceremony… I am grateful. I wanted to tell someone’s story and we did that. And now there are more stories to tell.

At various points in making the documentary, at various points in my life, I have wondered how do I get through this? This is hard. And then you get through it… and the next part is hard again. And you continue… ask for help, rinse, repeat.

Change course as needed. Listen to your gut more. Know that being happy MATTERS.

I will always be creating. Because art is precious. And telling each other’s story is important. And eating all the food on your birthday is fun!!!! And when I think back 30 years to my 14 year old self who dreamed of being a sportscaster and a music video director… while that didn’t come to fruition, look what did girl!

Look what DID!

Xo.

Four pictures for 44

there’s no magic number…

Hello, friend…

Well, look at me… out two nights in a row. Look at that. And as silly as that boast may seem… it’s really nice to be home after a night out. I’m ready for more of this… I think? Yes. I am. It’s a bit of messy landscape to navigate, though. We all need to give ourselves and those we love permission to dance between comfort and caution.

But tonight was nice. My friend, my fellow nominee for a Canadian Screen Award,  Jaime and I went out for dinner and then watched a bunch of Seinfeld episodes. A moment of respite from the cold weather and the utter madness of the world.  Also, like how I just casually dropped we got nominated for a big award for our documentary? 😉 Look at me, acting super casual about a super cool honour.

Anyway. Tonight was nice.

I had a gig at Absolute Comedy this week. After two years, it was nice to see familiar faces and be on that stage again. Remembering how it felt. Feeling good that  I was there. And I got a friend to film my set. It’s never something I’ve watched back and loved to be honest. I’m so embarrassed by my shape, that I miss the joy on my face from getting to do a set. I don’t hear the laughter, I hear myself saying you’re too heavy. If only you were… Insert smaller number here.

But this time round? I enjoyed my set. I heard the laughs. I saw my smile. I did take a beat off the top to mentally zoom in on my tummy, but then I stopped. I’ve been trying to lose 10 pounds for years. And now, weeks from 44, I’m more aware than ever that this is hard work to lose weight. My body is different now. And that’s ok. I’ll still strive to be as healthy as I can be, but I’m going to really work on letting that self judgment go. Because when I don’t, I miss the joy.

I get so much joy from comedy, storytelling. Making a meal for family or friends. So how do I stop looking at the photos from those moments and not judge myself? I’m not seeing family together, I’m seeing a person who’d look better if only… look, it’s a daily task. But I am winning. ❤ And it feels so good to see the joy on my face when I’m on stage.

So, I capped off a great week with good food and friends. I got to make people laugh. I’m days away from a return to NYC. There’s much to celebrate. This moment for one… I thank you for reading this and the other entries that you do. I send my thoughts into the void here… if something sticks for you, I’m so very glad. It’s not always easy to find things to be grateful for, certain moments don’t permit the indulgence… but I’m grateful for my friends, I’m grateful for my creativity and I’m grateful I saw myself differently in that video- for once, I saw a lady who was very happy to be just where she is.

Xo.

Feb 16th 2022 _ Absolute Comedy Toronto

a winter’s walk…

Hello, friend…

I just went for an evening walk… needing to stretch my legs and celebrate it not being pitch black at 4:30pm! As much as I love walking through a pile of leaves in the fall (or autumn), the crunch of walking through snow makes me so happy. It’s a childhood joy that never went away!

I remember in grade school, the building not far from where I now live… I remember on winter’s days, leaving school and delighting in the ice & snow on the playground and the sun that bounced off of it. I’d pretend for a minute as I walked home that I lived in the North. As much as the TV series Northern Exposure ignited my love for Alaska (& my crush on John Corbett), it was those wintery grade school days that got me dreaming of visiting the Yukon one day.

I wore my mask on my walk. My comfortablilty of being outside without it gone. Thanks, Omicron! You contagious asshat, you!! While strangers & some people I love roll their eyes at my cautiousness, I’m staying on Team Safety First. I know a lot of people sick with covid right now, I know a lot of people who don’t mind getting covid “to get this over with”. Look. Is it okay if I try to avoid getting sick? Is that cool with everyone?! A lot of people might get hit by a car! And as someone who has been hit by a car, I’d rather have had that not happen!!

Sure, do my knees hurt like hell when it’s about to thunder now? Yes! Would I love to gave boring normal knees that don’t predict the weather?! YES. TRUST me… as cool as it may sound to tell ya I have injury induced arthritis? It’s not cool friends.

Things are weird. Living in days of pandemic is weird. We had a test drive with SARS and I was good with that, that was enough. But noooooo… the germ game leveled the fuck up and we’re here. I’m not dating again until … I don’t fucking know!!! But I don’t feel safe, and that’s okay. Last year I traveled & that felt good and a bit of a fuck you to covid, but that was like one on one basketball. This? Now it’s like me against the Lakers! No thanks, Omicron. I’m gonna stay on the bench… in a stadium far away.

I’ll feel comfortable to leave the city again one day. Just, for me, now isn’t the time. An endemic will come eventually, and I’d like to be here when it comes. I can create solid content from home, and honestly? I will always do this because I’m committed to helping to make comedy accessible.

My own experience in my 20s was messy, it was amazing, it was hard, it was just a wonderful decade of growing pains. I’m coming to realize the 20s we’re collectively living through is going to be similar… the 1920s were the roaring 20s. They had gotten through their pandemic & went wild! I really think the 20s are meant to be a shitshow!!

And those of who make it through and see the sun set and the seasons change can look back and mutter “whatthefuckwasthat.” 😉😋

Xo.

where the streets know your name.

Hello, friend…

I went downtown tonight to do a set at the acclaimed club that is Yuk Yuk’s. Hadn’t been there in a minute. Got a spot on the ProAm night. 🕺

And I was a bit early, so I took a longer walk there despite the cold night air. Walked the underground tunnel I used to take daily on my way to work. The mall underneath the city always so full & busy. Tonight? Empty. It was late but also stores gone, likely a result of the past 2 years … but one store called Jazz Casuals is still there goddammit. It’s been there since 1998. Good on ’em.

The city was oddly quiet, save for a group of people exercising while dressed as Santa outside Roy Thompson Hall. I would have taken a photo, but I was afraid if I stopped they would have made me do push-ups with them.

In January it’ll be 6 years that I’ve been doing stand-up. And I still marvel at going to a place like Yuks- knowing who I’ve seen there & knowing someone is now seeing me there. I’m still very aware of how lucky I am, and I hope to heck that never goes away. Doing this brings me joy. Full stop. Do I wish I hadn’t been the only female on the bill? Yes. My comedy life online has taught me the diversity is out there!! But. That fight can be fought tomorrow. And it will be.

Being back on my old street made me sentimental, sure. I once lived in the heart of the downtown core. But I’m grateful that I live where there is space & trees & greenery. I got to make people laugh tonight & then I get to come home to the quiet and recharge. I like the balance.

Tonight was an interesting crossing of my old life & present one. I like walking the streets and remembering where I was when I first walked that stretch of concrete … but I never stop to look back. Full steam ahead!

Xo.

A wintery night downtown.