Tag Archives: men

let go

Hello, friend…

I was having a chat with my friend J the other day, telling him about a time when I really, really hurt someone I cared about. It’s been about 13 years since it happened and though we have long since made amends, he now lives (happily married) in California, every now and then I think about what happened. Every now and then, I knock salt into the wound. But as J reminded me, I’m not the same person as I was then… and the choices I made then aren’t ones I’d make now.

And he’s right. I am a different person, and I wouldn’t make those choices again. So, why is it that I still can’t fully completely shake off the guilt? As I get older, I know I have to let these proverbial weights off my shoulders. It’s not worth carrying. I walked for a bit after work, along a street we once strolled that Christmas everything went belly up; and as I walked, as sometimes happens, I got these flashbacks of us standing here and talking there.

What happened, you ask? A valid question. Well… when I met this guy, I was feeling amazing at having my first short film in a NYC film festival  AND I was on a high that came with the insane mood swings I had become used with being on the birth control pill. So when he met me, yes, I was INCREDIBLY attracted to him and I thought he was just the coolest cat. But I knew something was wrong with me, just couldn’t put my finger on it.  And then days later, “Aunt Flow” came to visit and stayed for 30 days. THIRTY DAYS. It was the beginning of my body & mental health hitting a brick wall. I went from this bubbly, “let’s do ALL the things” gal (who he once called “New York Kelly”) to this mean, bitchy, quiet wet blanket (a.k.a “Toronto Kelly”).

I meet this amazing guy… he came to Toronto to visit me at Christmas… and then a trap door in the floor opened up. And while it was scary, in hindsight, it was absolutely necessary because I didn’t realize how sick those birth control pills were making me. I just felt awful that I had to take this guy out in the process. He meet and falls for one version of me, and then my evil twin popped up and hijacked what was happening.

Why does that happen? Why is that life is humming along nicely and then BLAMMO,  surprise shit storm!

I hurt this kind soul because I just SHUT DOWN. I didn’t want to be touched, bothered… my anxiety hit 100%… I was needing to get all things done quickly and now... I cringe thinking about it all these years later. He whispered in my ear as we parted at the airport that Christmas “You made me feel like I wasn’t wanted”. And he was right, because I was the worst version of myself I’d ever seen. But had that not happened, I’d have continued on- convinced I didn’t have just anxiety & panic attacks and that I was getting worse and would need more treatment. My mental health fell apart that Christmas. But it was the best gift I could have received.

I needed to hit rock bottom, so to speak. I needed ALL of that to happen in order to turn a corner. It took a lot of time to get that birth control pill out of my system, it took even more time to eventually rid myself of the medicines I took to ease my anxiety & panic. I live my days now with meditation in my back pocket when I need to centre and calm down. I believe I am more empathetic and mindful now than I ever have been.

I can’t go back and changed what happened, how I handled that new relationship… but I can look back at it with gratitude. We made amends, as I said… forgiveness was given… and ultimately, it made me a better person.

xo.

 

 

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dumb

Hello friend,

I realize the stupidity of what I’m about to say and I am trying to shift my focus to a positive gear… but I am genuinely crushed that my long-awaited date with a cute Frenchman got canned (by him) a couple hours before we were set to meet up. Once my hair was done and legs were shaved.

Btw- I knew the leg shave was a risky move. Every single damn time I’ve shaved my legs before an anticipated date- shenanigans emerge and not the good kind. Can someone remind me leg shaving is to be done if we make it to a second date and only then?!

Anyhoo. Yesterday had the makings of a perfect day- hair appointment, hot afternoon planned with a French guy and my debut at a well-established Montreal comedy club that night. And as soon as I got out of the salon, feeling gooooood… bam! He bails. And sends a sad face emoji.

And it took me a few to realize that my eyes were watering a bit as I looked at my phone. And then my inner Cher from Moonstruck had to yell “Snap out if it!” to myself… “You’ve got a big gig tonight!” ( okay- that second bit wasn’t from Mooonstruck but you get my point). My set turned out great, I met some genuine and cool folks at the club… I’m just so frustrated with myself that I’m a bit upset that he never matetalized and the date was a bust.

I’m a grown woman! Moderately successful!! I do a lot of cool shit!! But… I’m human with these dumb feelings.

Yes, I’ll go forth and cull from it what I can for a set.

Perhaps finding love is as hard as paying off my credit card debit. Hmm… there’s a joke there…

Xo.

only me.

Hello, friend…

I’m in Montreal for the weekend, back in my hometown, telling jokes and dining on the BEST eats with family (pro tip: when dining out, make sure one of your family members is a chef and knows the chef of where you’re eating- because… ohmylord, I’m being treated like a Queen!!).

Anyway. So last night, at a gig I had, this nice looking guy offers me a drink and we talked a little, and he got me another drink and it was really lovely! He asked what my plans were while I was in town, I told him about my other show, he invited me to a party… amazing, right? Right. So he takes my number, calls me so I have his number and we part ways. I am on cloud nine. (Literally- there was a lot of pot being smoked at this gig.)

And I get in the car. And I check my phone to add his number. And my heart sinks.

He clearly hung up when calling me too quickly because I NEVER GOT HIS PHONE NUMBER. My phone had no missed calls. Why didn’t I check it as he called me and not simply assume all was well??!!!

NEVER ASSUME, FRIENDS. NEVER.

It just makes an ass out of u and me.

seinfeld-saying-newman-meme-1432838940

 

xo.

confidence

Hello, friend…

What a day it’s been. You see, along with writing & stand-up & filmmaking… I also work in bakery. And today, man, you’d think at the first signs of winter here in Toronto folks were thinking they had to stock up for the next few months… we were slammed. Which is great! For any business, especially a small one, you want that much foot traffic. And for the most part, everyone was super to deal with today which is awesome. (Though I could really deal with less of watching couples making out in front of me. It’s like, cool… you’re in love… you are so stoked we have cinnamon buns that you feel the need to make a baby in front of me…. but please, just order something and then rip each other’s clothes off. Pleaseandthankyou.)

At the end of the night, as I closed up, I went to the washroom and I smiled at myself in the mirror. Sure, I felt as tired as hell, but I looked good! I’ve not worn much, if any, make-up for a month or so now… not for any empowerment reasons… I actually haven’t had the money to replenish stuff… ANYWAY. I just caught a smile in my eyes or something, mostly because my teenage self would NEVER have permitted herself to leave the house without LAYERS of make-up on. I had cystic acne as a teenager… my skin wasn’t soft, it was speed bump city.

And I wanted to hiiiiiiiide. And now… well, you better like me for me or you can leave. 🙂

It makes me laugh a little, just at how my teen years were spent in a fight between figuring out who I was and how to get as far away from her as possible. I wanted to be older, I wanted to live in Florida, I wanted to be SOMEBODY, anybody other than who I was. And that was LONG before I’d know what social media was. (And for that reason alone I want to hug every teen in the world right now, I do not know how you find peace amongst all that noise. I’d be a MESS if I was 16 nowadays.) Granted, I still judge myself more than I should… whenever those life markers pop up in my head and I compare myself to others. Who are married, have stable incomes, have families… I question at times why that isn’t me. And then I yell at myself “Because that’s not supposed to be you right now! Jeebsus!”

(Insert Cher slapping Nic Cage in Moonstruck here. Snap Out of It!!)

Being 39 these days, actually, being 39 and single these days isn’t easier either. Online dating is my Achilles heel. But last night, watching the good egg that is Nick Offerman at Shea’s in Buffalo, he said that when he met the woman who’d become his wife he was doing some work on a theatre they’d soon be performing in. He was in his element and whatever light that came from him, must have caught her eye. He championed NOT trying to find love online, but in doing what you love … that way you’ll really connect with someone.

The man’s got a point.

When I’m in my element… I can feel it, that glow.

Confidence is a good thing, ain’t it?

Hmm… maybe a Tinder break is needed. I just did “Sober October”, maybe I can make… um… “No-Online Dating- Vember” a thing. (I will work on that title.)

 

xo.

uber and the single girl

Hello, friend…

On a good day it’s hard enough being a single gal in Toronto. Either I get crap on online dating sites or get questioned by friends I haven’t seen in a while why I haven’t met anyone yet. It’s not for a lack of trying, maybe sometimes I try too hard, but nonetheless I’m single and YOU can figure out how to deal with it. I’d absolutely LOVE to be in love and find a great guy to put down roots with, but for now, it doesn’t seem to be in the cards. And deep down, I really hate this, but… it’s okay. It is what it is.

But what I had to deal with going to work today (Friday, as I start writing this) just was NOT cool. It was my first really REALLY bad experience with Uber.

Got picked up at the assigned meeting place, and quickly found my driver to be chatty and kind of quirky. And then he asked me if I was married. Now, this isn’t the worst question in the world but it can be a dicey one if asked by your taxi driver. I proceed to tell him that I’m not, I’m single and he proceeded to tell me that I must be so lonely and sad because there was no man to love me. Because my life can’t possibly mean anything if there was no one in it.

are you screaming at your laptop yet?

I tried to keep my calm as my blood pressure was boiling over, and told him that I’m trying but I have really bad luck when it comes to finding love. And he starts going on about how “that’s not right” and MY PERSONAL FAVE…. “you must be doing something wrong, you need to do something different because you’re doing something wrong”. As much as I wanted to scream at him to fuck the fuck off, I calmly asked him to stop talking about this as he was upsetting me. And then told him that I have a really awesome life, and I’d love someone to join in on the fun but for now all was okay. To which he replied “yeah, right”.

I was then informed of how much he missed his wife when she went away for two days and how easily he got her pregnant. I got out earlier than my scheduled stop as I was about to cry and/or punch this man in the face.

As I said, on a good day it’s hard enough being single in this city.

Uber heard from me today, you can trust me on that.

I’d like to think that if I need someone to drive me from Point A to Point B, I’m not going to get too much if ANY flack for my (lack of a) love life.

I’m off to bed now. Tomorrow morning I’m taking myself to breakfast, thankyouverymuch.

xo.

 

**UPDATE: Uber Customer Service has been incredibly kind and refunded the trip/lecture. I will give them credit for agreeing that I should never have experienced what I did today.

dating etiquette

Hello, friend…

It’s Saturday night and I’m sitting at home going  over a conversation I had with my friend Becky at dinner tonight: the fact that when it comes to dating these days, everything just seems so disposable. How we toss away things has now resulted in tossing away romantic possibilities left & right. We’re just swiping everything!

Great dates never to be heard from again!

Plans made to be broken at the 11th hour!

Guys who aren’t interested in dating but just want to “keep things casual and hang out!”

I’m starting to wonder… is there a blackhole filled with the men I’ve been on one date with? Did they just get sucked into some vacuum and tossed into space? And also… is it okay that I’m not keen on “just hanging out”? I’m 39 years old for Pete’s sake! So I decided to consult one of my etiquette books (‘Etiquette for Everybody’, copyright 1952) to gain some perspective and offer these tips below to incorporate into your daily routine. Maybe it’ll make our road to romance less rocky… maybe? Probably not, but it’s worth a go.

  • when a man is accompanying a woman, he should walk on the curb side (yes this was started to protect us ladies from being hit by random, run-away horse drawn carriages but I still love the idea)
  • a man should rise when a woman enters the room and remove his hat (got that, Tinder? Pants ON, hat OFF!)
  • a woman should be able to invite a man someplace without making him think she is pursuing him ( le sigh… god forbid we ask you to out and you think it’s code for “I want to get married”- it’s just a coffee, calm the f**k down)
  • a woman should not accept a valuable present from a man or an article of wearing apparel even from her fiance (… exhibit number one, Destiny’s Child “Independent Woman Pt. 1”)
  • when out, a couple should not talk loudly with their companion (given the advent of smartphones- this really isn’t a problem in 2017)

SO there you have it! Men… take off your hats and head to the curb! Ladies… do not accept that fancy present, you can buy it yourself! Basically, let’s try to bring some manners back, okay? Maybe it’ll help and get us really connecting once again.

Next week… how to properly announce your engagement is off! (Here’s a hint… it’s ALWAYS “by mutual consent.”)

xo.

 

this is a thing..?

Oh, dude… DUDE!!!!!!!!!

(very long sigh)

Stupid boy. Creating a group chat with ALL the women he’s dating…. wow.

This is a thing.

http://mashable.com/2017/06/20/nathans-beautiful-girls-snapchat/#5jXXtGuTLqqM

 

xo.