support line

Hello, friend…

Yesterday I treated myself to a Reiki session by a dear friend. I have been feeling a lot of energy around me of late, mostly good but also negative and it was time to gain some perspective. My nature is that of an anxious creature. My default switch sometimes falls into “sky is falling territory”. But as I’ve gotten older, I’m forcing it more into the “la-dee-da” direction… or I try like hell to.

I’ve recently learned I might be anemic. Which would explain why I’ve felt like a deflated balloon a fair amount. (Further blood tests will confirm if I am. Not a deflated balloon, but anemic.) I’m also in a new job, hostessing at a restaurant, and have been told I need to not look so stressed if I am stressed. Which for someone with anxiety is not the easiest of tasks. It’s like asking anyone, can you not breathe for a bit? Cool. 😉

I worry by nature. I worry too much for a woman of a Protestant background. Leading me to believe that I might really be Jewish or Catholic. Ha!! My point is… there is a lot wired in my system that I need to unlearn. And I can, it’s just going to take time. Maybe my body will balance out again and my signs of anemia will start to reverse.

For as much abundance in my life as there is, and there is a ton, it’s annoying as fuck that I still look for what’s not in it sometimes. Someone to say good morning to as I roll over, a bank account that doesn’t appear to have an eating disorder… After my session yesterday I realized all of these dumb thoughts are just as toxic to my system.

I sat on my balcony last night and gazed up at the stars and just took a breath. I’m blissfully lucky. I’ve worked for a chance to live my life as I choose. And a late night chat with someone I care for deeply, shook me out of my bucket of doubt. He reminded me that neither of us got where we are by accident. It’s taken work. We are both fuelled by a passion to do what we love and that is a beautiful gift. (Support like this is why he brings me such joy. He consistently knows what to say and when. I won the lotto meeting him.💗)

Yes. I perceive my life sometimes as a car rolling off a cliff to that damn song from Benny Hill sometimes. But ya know what, I wouldn’t do a damn thing different.

I’ve got a lot of good stuff in my life and I’m grateful for my superheroes for reminding me when I slip up and forget. 💋

Xo.

1995.

Hello, friend…

Well. I’m watching TV right now and what I’ve got on is a collection of the top videos of 1995. Wow. This a quick way to make myself feel old… and to remind myself that Matthew Sweet’s Sick of Myself is still a really catchy tune… but 20 years ago. I had just turned 17. Okay. Now I feel old. I’d mention that I celebrated my birthday this week… but, okay. The point of this post is to not get bummed out that I’m almost 40… OMG. Stop, Kelly, stop!!

The truth is, I’m perfectly fine with birthdays and aging and watching videos from 1995. I’m happy to admit that I can belch on cue (on the advice of a friend, this nugget was removed from the online dating profile I once had). Yes, I got sad when a younger friend asked me to explain who Wayne & Garth were (she wasn’t born when they were on SNL). But on the whole, I really dig that I am now in my “late 30’s”, the fact is it makes me laugh. Because mentally, I feel like I’m still 22. Being 37 feels like I’m sneaking on-set or backstage of a cool show… who gave me a pass to be an adult?! It’s ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

(Holy crap! Age of Electric!! This “Ugly” song still ain’t bad… but yikes this video is weird….)

ANYHOO. As I settle into my 37th year, I’m preparing to move. There’s no saucy reason as to why I’m moving, unless you consider saving money on rent sexy…. but with moving and starting over in new digs, there’s a lot of self-reflection. Where I’m at. Where I want to be at. In the last few years I started to let go of any notions of where I was “supposed” to be… has my life path gone the route I hoped it would 20 years ago? Hell no. I’m incredibly frustrated by that fact at times, but where it HAS gone? I couldn’t have imagined. I don’t like all the changes that I’ve gone through, but I’m pretty sure no one has.

Deep down, I feel like an underdog. And I like being an underdog, I like that I have accomplished things people didn’t expect of me. But best of all, I like surprising myself… despite my anxiety issues, I kinda dig changing it up. That’s taken time to accept… I don’t think 17 year old me felt that way. Change happens when we’re ready for it to happen, right? Though it can be difficult and bumpy, I know I was supposed to break down crying in my apartment lobby that day a friend told me my ex was going to be a father…. and I cursed like a sailor… only to turn around to see a little girl there with her mother. Oopsy! (SUPER sorry bout that…Hopefully neither of them paid too much attention to the lady losing it in front of them.)

So as I take pictures down and pack things up, I’m sad but I’m excited to take what moving here did for me (one day I’ll tell you about the home I once owned)… I saw my business grow, I had my heart get busted. I hosted some excellent dinner parties here, too. Life keeps unfolding as it was meant to…You take the good, you take the bad… 😉 Yes. I’m kind of freaked out that my next “big” birthday will take me into my 40s. Maybe I’ll be married. Maybe by then I’ll be living in a space pod. Maybe the Leafs will have won a Stanley Cup. I guess the point of today’s rant is simply that I’m still looking at life, for the most part, as I did at 17… curious, a bit nervous & wondering what being an adult will be like. Which is pretty cool, I think.

xo.