Well. I’m watching TV right now and what I’ve got on is a collection of the top videos of 1995. Wow. This a quick way to make myself feel old… and to remind myself that Matthew Sweet’s Sick of Myself is still a really catchy tune… but 20 years ago. I had just turned 17. Okay. Now I feel old. I’d mention that I celebrated my birthday this week… but, okay. The point of this post is to not get bummed out that I’m almost 40… OMG. Stop, Kelly, stop!!
The truth is, I’m perfectly fine with birthdays and aging and watching videos from 1995. I’m happy to admit that I can belch on cue (on the advice of a friend, this nugget was removed from the online dating profile I once had). Yes, I got sad when a younger friend asked me to explain who Wayne & Garth were (she wasn’t born when they were on SNL). But on the whole, I really dig that I am now in my “late 30’s”, the fact is it makes me laugh. Because mentally, I feel like I’m still 22. Being 37 feels like I’m sneaking on-set or backstage of a cool show… who gave me a pass to be an adult?! It’s ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.
(Holy crap! Age of Electric!! This “Ugly” song still ain’t bad… but yikes this video is weird….)
ANYHOO. As I settle into my 37th year, I’m preparing to move. There’s no saucy reason as to why I’m moving, unless you consider saving money on rent sexy…. but with moving and starting over in new digs, there’s a lot of self-reflection. Where I’m at. Where I want to be at. In the last few years I started to let go of any notions of where I was “supposed” to be… has my life path gone the route I hoped it would 20 years ago? Hell no. I’m incredibly frustrated by that fact at times, but where it HAS gone? I couldn’t have imagined. I don’t like all the changes that I’ve gone through, but I’m pretty sure no one has.
Deep down, I feel like an underdog. And I like being an underdog, I like that I have accomplished things people didn’t expect of me. But best of all, I like surprising myself… despite my anxiety issues, I kinda dig changing it up. That’s taken time to accept… I don’t think 17 year old me felt that way. Change happens when we’re ready for it to happen, right? Though it can be difficult and bumpy, I know I was supposed to break down crying in my apartment lobby that day a friend told me my ex was going to be a father…. and I cursed like a sailor… only to turn around to see a little girl there with her mother. Oopsy! (SUPER sorry bout that…Hopefully neither of them paid too much attention to the lady losing it in front of them.)
So as I take pictures down and pack things up, I’m sad but I’m excited to take what moving here did for me (one day I’ll tell you about the home I once owned)… I saw my business grow, I had my heart get busted. I hosted some excellent dinner parties here, too. Life keeps unfolding as it was meant to…You take the good, you take the bad… 😉 Yes. I’m kind of freaked out that my next “big” birthday will take me into my 40s. Maybe I’ll be married. Maybe by then I’ll be living in a space pod. Maybe the Leafs will have won a Stanley Cup. I guess the point of today’s rant is simply that I’m still looking at life, for the most part, as I did at 17… curious, a bit nervous & wondering what being an adult will be like. Which is pretty cool, I think.