hello, old friend…

Hello, friend…

I paid a visit to my old self tonight. Let me explain. After I finished up at the studio (recording an episode of my new podcast Holler & Whine, something I am SOOOOO proud of), I took a walk past my old condo building. Looking up at where my home once was. Where I once looked down from. And I found my old window, and quietly said “You did good, girl”. Because I remember the day I left that place, I felt I left in a rush, and I felt sad but hopeful. I didn’t know what was ahead, but I had hopes I’d buy a new condo again soon and in the same area.

And while I ended up moving into an incredibly haunted apartment building (oh, it was nutty- I should have charged those spirits rent!), my heart got broken again and again… I truly ended up renovating every aspect of my life (went from working in TV production to waitressing). Moving up and down, but slowly clearing the path that I’ve been on now for a few years. While in the moment, I may not know the way or if I’m on the most efficient route- looking back and up at that condo window tonight… oh, I made the right decision. Staying there wouldn’t have allowed me to be here. I don’t have the fancy “homeowner” credentials anymore, but I’d not trade the credits I have now for that. I, without a doubt, wouldn’t. There’s no shame in renting, friends! None!! There’s no shame in starting over! None at alllll!!!

I left that condo that day thinking maybe I’d buy again, maybe I’d get married one day… maybe maybe maybe… and heck, maybe those things are still in my future! But honestly, even if they’re not, it’s okay. It doesn’t mean I’m a loss, it doesn’t mean I’ve done anything wrong. I read a lot about how after women have had kids, they have this different view on life and one that is “less selfish”. Am I selfish because I don’t have a kid? Oh, fuck no… we’re not all meant to procreate. There are different ways children can still be in your life if you’re not a mom, be the best aunt you can be! Maybe you’ll meet someone with children and you’ll get the joy of helping to shape their world! Or maybe you’ll just have cats and be the be the best cat mom you can be. Are you living life on your terms? Celebrate that!! Always be learning, improving, growing.

I recently came back from the Seattle International Film Festival, where my directorial debut had a lovely reception. I am incredibly lucky that I get to make art and put it out into the world. But it is a hard life path, there’s no safety net… I make good decisions and I make incredibly bad ones… but I’m more than just a homeowner now. That was something that really defined me a few years back. And now… I define me. I like that.

xo.

SIFF 2024

waves.

Hello, friend…

I learned something about myself recently… I really, REALLY, R_E_A_L_L_Y dislike crocheting. Would it be cheaper to make a scarf or a cute toy? Yes. Financially, yes. But what it has cost my patience? OMG. This is just NOT what I am meant to do with my spare time. I could become a danger to society if I am given another pattern to create a tiny coffee cup.

Please just guide me to the bin where I can buy a tiny crocheted coffee cup for $29.95.

Please.

Take my money before I harm someone with this crochet hook. (Actually, let me hide this thing before I do anything dumb.)

Anyway, where was I. Oh yes, limits. Boundaries! I am working with my therapist to set boundaries for myself, and clearly at my next session we will talk about the boundaries I have to set with buying crafting kits.

But I was reminded something I had temporarily forgotten about this week, that we’re not meant to be good at everything. We’re not. There is PLENTY I can do well, and there is PLENTY I cannot do well. And it’s not because I’m new, I think our guts telling us NO! GO HOME! NOPE! is stuff we must not ignore. Now, in my adventures in crafting this week, I did make a rather adorable tiny turtle after a lot of crying in a corner… and when I tried to make something else, it did not result in the picture on the package but rather… I dunno, a tiny crocheted shawarma?! I have no idea what I made. But it was hideous.

And I took a moment after throwing it in trash to accept that this is not the lane I am meant to run in. I have plenty other ways to destress… a calming bath, a walk, dusting, panicking, panic dusting.

Realizing ones limits. It’s important. YES, it’s equally important to push yourself and grow and learn and all that… but also, if it’s not feeling right, by all means you don’t need to pursue it even if everyone on your socials is doing that thing. And I know it’s easier said than done, and yes I did tell my boyfriend last night that I feel like I’m not doing enough based on my social media feed and what people I know are up to. I’m guilty of comparing myself, to others and fuck, I’m guilty of comparing myself to past versions of myself.

I may have excellent stage presence, but I’m not always good with staying present. I feel some days that yes, I am doing some really cool shit- but I am even good at any of it?! BUT… But… I am not looking in the rearview mirror too often. I have that card to hold onto. But I still do it, because I’m human. My neck can turn far enough to look over my shoulder.

Look. As I get older, my moods are getting inconsistent. My weight is inconsistent. I feel like I am going through puberty in reverse. As much as I am proverbially surfing through my life and wanting stability so I can just catch my breath and remember what I’m supposed to be doing… I need to set a boundary for myself with myself with how far I’m going to berate myself. Because not every day am I going to do things right or even do enough. But what I can stand strong on is this… that I fucking hate crocheting. 😉

(hyperventilates into a paper bag)

Deep breaths, girl.

We’re not supposed to be able to do EVERYTHING. We’re just not.

Go drink some water.

xo.

pudding.

Hello, friend…

I was fortunate enough to do a couple of podcasts today, the first of which got into the topic of staying positive. And as a positive person, I had to confess that being positive can be a lot of work. It is hard to find the bright side sometimes. And right now, A LOT of people I know are getting to showcase for big comedy festivals- I may not know these people well, but because of social media and my comedy circle growing over the pandemic (a benefit to going virtual) I just have this wider pool of people in my life that do comedy. And it’s like every second person in my feed is getting to showcase or booking a BIG show.

Which is amazing for them, I am happy for a lot of them!

But then I see it over and over, and it can be a lot. Amy Poehler brilliantly calls it wanting the pudding. You see that and you think Ahhh! I want that pudding too! And as with any pudding that you want to have, there just isn’t enough pudding to go around sometimes. That’s just the way it is. You want the pudding, and all that there is the dish to then wash. Or the box to throw out.

You think of yourself, doing the same thing as that person who is waxing on how good that pudding is, you think of yourself as a failure. You might wonder what you’re doing wrong. It’s hard to look on the bright side sometimes. Page after page as you scroll of people being somewhere you wish you were, it’s hard. Absolutely it is.

But here’s the thing… the work YOU (yes, YOU) are doing is still valid and worthy. Someone will see you and relate to that joke or that thought or maybe be inspired by an idea you shared. Right now what YOU are doing is what someone who sees you in their feed is terribly jealous of, or super inspired by… what you are creating is inspiring someone else to create. And hey! If you’re putting art into the world, don’t be creating it JUST to have that tasty pudding. That pudding isn’t the only thing out there- there’s other off brand puddings! There’s cake! There are pies. Jelly rolls. Gummy bears. Goddamnit, there’s carob. And SOMEONE reading this right now fucking loves carob. (And I will fully admit that as someone with a lot of allergies, I had a period in my life where I was encouraged to have carob instead of chocolate and you can totally convince yourself that carob is the shit.)

ANYWAY. I say this knowing full well I would like some of the pudding. But I also say this knowing there’s a lot of other delicious treats out there, too. It’s like when we’re kids and we see our sibling or a friend get the toy that we want too- it’s miiiiiiiiiine. As an adult, it’s okay to admit that you feel sore or it hurts a bit. But remember- Your voice still matters just as much as the other person’s does.

So just put down the phone and go find other things to enjoy. Then come back to your phone and delight in your new found tasty snack as you celebrate your friend who got the pudding.

And if you eventually do get that pudding, you’ll appreciate it even more.

xo.

call & response.

Hello, friend…

I have spent MANY hours at my computer this week. Work has been plentiful, there has certainly been an abundance of it- for those who don’t know, my primary source of income is doing Transcriptions for movies and tv shows. (Though sometimes focus groups and school projects come into the fold.) And work in this industry can go in waves, the start of a year is traditionally slow. So I’ve been meditating on attracting money and holy cats- the spirit guides sent me a windfall. Which is GREAT and also, EXHAUSTING. And as much as my body hurts from the typing and stress of emails from clients asking where things are at 7 am… on a Sunday… when I finish a project as I just did? Oh, the sense of euphoria is WONDERFUL.

Then I remember, there are two more shows to work for this coming week. And comedy shows nightly!

I am rich, bitch!! Haha! Not so much in money, finances- but my life is full of beautiful abundance. I have work, I can still make my art. I always hear the song lyric I’m broke, but I’m happy…. And I am. And I have wonderful things coming down the pipeline (like RECORDING MY COMEDY ALBUM DEBUT!!!) that I am beyond excited about. And scared. But mostly excited. But still very scared. But ready to do this thing and create more art. Put more laughs into the world.

An old photo of me, that I cannot tell you the context of because I do not remember- but only that I love it so much.

SO! As I work on my work for clients, and my art, and on myself and breaking through a wall of self doubt that I hide behind – and putting up a sweet new wall of B-O-U-N-D-A-R-I-E-S painted in a beautiful HEALTHY GLOW… I’m off to bed tonight feeling accomplished.

And proud.

I have always worked hard, but I think a lot of the time it was to hide my insecurities. I’d be so busy, you wouldn’t know how I truly felt- but those with a keen eye could spot that I didn’t think I belonged at the party. I know I belong at the party… and I’m still working hard, but it’s because I like to. And now I work on things I WANT to work on.

Allow yourselves joy, friends. It’s just as important as money.

xo.

p.s In Toronto? Please come to my album recording June 25th! Eventbrite link is below!!

Register on Eventbrite