Tag Archives: self-doubt

eeyore is my spirit animal

Hello, friend…

Despite all that is going on in my life these days, and there is a fair bit to keep me busy, as I said to a friend tonight- I’ve been feeling like Eeyore has been my spirit animal of late.

I’ve been feeling a bit sad, a bit stuck and I can’t really pin point why this has been so. It just has been.

As I occasionally do my terrible check list in my head of things I haven’t done yet (i.e Get Married! Establish a diverse banking portfolio! Learn to like Apple Cider Vinegar!), I put aside what I have done and AM doing and focus on things that haven’t come my way for one reason or another. I’ve also been blue because I’m moving soon, and with leaving this place I’m leaving an apartment where I learned I was going to become an aunt again & where I’d have my final conversation ever with my late James. And it’s like I’m losing him all over again, which is just a very heavy feeling. But good memories or not-so-good memories aside, I do know that moving won’t change that these things happened.  I guess I’m simply aware that I feel a bit out of sorts, and am trying not to judge myself too much for that.

Yes, there are a lot of good things in my life right now and yes, my heart feels heavy. And there’s been a part of myself that has been super-judgey of this paradox. How can you feel down? You have no reason to feel down!! So today when my boss asked if I was feeling okay, I told her that I’ve not been feeling like myself actually… and by admitting that out loud allowed a small weight to float off my shoulder. At a BBQ tonight, I confessed to a few more friends that I’ve been a bit stuck… and another weight floated upwards.

No one told me I was crazy or an idiot for feeling down, if anything there was compassion offered and permission given to let me vent. It silenced my inner critic enough that when I got home, it wasn’t there to bark at me that I’m not doing good enough at being an adult. Likely because I acknowledged it… I found it hiding and called out “tag, you’re it!”

The truth is, I may not ever know if I’m doing this right. Finding balance can take a lot of time.

And that’s okay.

I think the more I look to improve my balance, and like ALL the parts of myself (not just the ones that do stand up & write, but the ones that can admit to thinking that Bee Gee’s song More Than A Woman was called Four Letter Woman)… then it’ll just help me ride out the bumps.

After all, I do wear a tattoo that reminds me daily that I am braver than I believe, and stronger than I seem and am smarter than I think.

xo.

 

fried-day…

Hello, friend…

It’s been an interesting week. I’ve started on a new project, that will take me through the winter months, and it’s not without its challenges. Starting something new never is without its challenges! I’m hoping I will be able to navigate the waters, but this Friday night had me leaving work and crying as soon as the company of the people on my subway had dispersed. Text messages were sent to my brother and a friend, telling them I think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew and maybe I’ll quit. While I can’t get into what exactly I’m working on, needless to say I’m in a spot where I’m taking what I know (writing, being funny, being organized)…and pushing my boundaries.

It’s growing pains, right?

Now, it didn’t help that I had a panic attack yesterday. And there was too much talk about an old flame of mine. And I forgot my hat at home. You know what, yesterday felt like the first time I really bombed while doing stand-up, I lost control off the top of the day (forgetting my hat)… and by the end, I was crying in the bathroom. Wondering what I didn’t get into a “stable” career path.

For someone, such as myself, it’s funny though how much I don’t like stability. I have anxiety, I panic at the drop of (pardon the call-back), a hat. And yet, I use it to my advantage and use it to prove myself wrong… well, I try to. Some days you just gotta ride the inner roller-coaster and accept that using powdered coconut milk in your pancakes for breakfast REALLY was not a good call, Zemnickis. (It really was not. But I now know better for tomorrow’s breakfast.)

ANYWAY. What I’m not doing a great job of today is getting to my point. A simple one.

Last night, friend’s hosted a board games night and I’m blissfully glad I splashed some cool water on my face and headed out the door. I almost turned back home when I got to the subway as I felt my anxiety tap me on the shoulder, but I continued on. Laughter, veggies & dip, and the company of people I adore brought me back to what REALLY mattered that day: My friends. Sharing stories. Kindness.

And then I got a text from a strange man online, asking if we could go for brunch & then have sex! No, strange man, we cannot… but thank you for making me laugh very hard when I needed it.

xo.

 

timing

Hello, friend…

I had a thought tonight as I left a comedy writing workshop tonight, and went to get a boneless chicken roti from one of my favourite spots in the city… I was thinking of how lucky I am. Here I was, at 9pm at night, walking up Bathurst with a roti in hand and feeling good about some new jokes I tried out tonight. Kelly from a year ago was anxious to put her toes in the stand-up comedy waters but it would take three months to get the lady-balls to actually do it.

Okay, talking about myself in the third person is weird. I’ll stop.

But yeah, in January of this year, I convinced friends to put me in their show and with my brother and a couple of friends in the audience up I went. 37 years old and no-longer a stand-up comedy virgin!! Huzzah! (Though I’d never been so convinced I could possibly pass-out in front of people as I was that night, oh my god was I scared.) Now, I’m not someone who feels like I’m an adult most of the time; I’m 38 but I think I’m still 23. But I know that I’m older than a good lot of the comics I’ve come across so far, and I had a moment tonight where I thought “Why the hell didn’t I start doing this 10 years ago? I CAN do this damnit! Why didn’t I know I could do this when I was younger??!! AAUUUGGHH!”

The thing is, I wasn’t ready to do this at 28. The timing wasn’t right.

Yes, I spent countless nights as a teen watching An Evening at the Improv on A & E, or sneaking in a late night David Letterman episode on a school night. But there was no thought that EVER came into my head that said “You should try stand-up comedy!” I did tech for improv and sketch troupes, though and THEN I got on stage myself and it was fun but it never felt… right. I was trying to fit into a pair of pants that fit but… if I sat down I couldn’t breathe. And I don’t know about you, but I like to be able to breathe in any position I’m in. It’s, as the French say, really fucking important. (Read that last bit in a French accent for the full effect.)

I morphed into background stuff, and I still love background stuff … but when I was 24 I started writing again and that became my first play. I think that’s when the proverbial penny dropped, and slooooowly I found my confidence. And then fast forward to tonight, I am 38 and I’m heading home with a roti that I should NOT be eating at 9pm at my age but fuck it. I’m heading home having told some jokes that made some cool people laugh and I’ll do it again in a night or two.  As I ride the TTC and listen to my music, I daydream about submitting a package to Late Night with Seth Meyers of my material… because, why not try?!  I can try that! What’s the worst that could happen?

It’s all about timing. It’s all about the timing when I’m up on stage with that mic and a spotlight on me, thinking to myself why  I didn’t try this sooner.

I wasn’t ready to do the thing. But now… I am doing the thing.

Cue late night dance part to work off late night roti!!!!

xo.

 

 

… this message will self-destruct (maybe)

Hello, friend…

Well, if I didn’t have enough to worry about in a day, it turns out my new smartphone might explode. I’m the owner of the Samsung Galaxy Note 7 and as I now know… the battery might explode when it’s charging. So THAT’S awesome. I wondered today “so how do I call anyone for help if my phone self-destructs” and then remembered.. AH!! That’s why there are still two payphones behind my apartment building. I mean, I’m fairly used to other things in my life self-imploding, like my love life. Ha! (I’m here all the time folks! Please, try the veal) ANYHOO…

So I’m left tonight looking at my phone as I look at a new fella who has entered my life… with a generally happy grin, but an inner voice going “when I am going to do something dumb or you’re going to decide you need to work on your music?” (Ka-boom!)

Doubt is a pesky thing, isn’t it? Doubt, worry, panic, yadda yadda yadda. Be it a person or a thing, I’m trying to be very diligent and just let things be what they be. Yes, my phone might blow up over night (literally). But it might not. Yes, the hot guy who thinks I’m cool might not think that in the morning. But, he might kiss me before he heads off to work and message me sweet things during the day.

I just don’t know. And I’m okay with that.

Because it’s all how you see the situation, it’s all perspective… I’m trying to go with the thinking that if something leaves your life, it might not have needed to be there or it wasn’t meant to be there any longer than it was.

Obviously, I’d like things to work in my favour though… 😉

xo.

 

growth spurt!

Hello, friend…

I have three nights left in my apartment before I move. As the hours countdown and more stuff goes into boxes and the walls become blank slates once again… I can’t help but feel like I’ve come full circle here. If I were to climb into my time machine and visit me when I moved in here two years ago, I’d buy that girl a cocktail and tell her to just breathe. And calm the fuck down.

You see… coming here as I did two years ago, I had just sold my home where my hat was hung for eight years. Eight years in 495 sq ft. I loved it there, my world changed there in the best and worst ways… but when M broke my heart that day I thought he was going to propose (awkward!) there was a little voice that screamed out “we need to get out of here NOW!” And it took a year and a bit, but eventually I did. It hurt to leave, but I had to change things up (and to be honest, had to get out of some deepening debt)… so off I went apartment hunting. I saw a building I liked a lot, which reminded me slightly of the new apartment Mary Tyler Moore bought on her TV series. (I’m a bit of a fan.) But as it happened, another building was a slightly better option given my quick sale. And I found myself where I am writing from where I am now.

I landed in this bigger apartment, feeling as though I had spent days in a revolving door and I was incredibly sad. I moved here, newly debt free and incredibly disappointed in myself. It’s hard to explain, but having to leave the home I bought in my early 20s because “all my bills came due” made me feel like a ridiculous failure. Aside from the occasional aid from my parents, I’ve done all of this on my own. Self-reliant 100%. Buying property, a single lady at 22, totally worthy of a gold star! And then here I came, in a new part of town, in a building where all my neighbours clearly use a marijuana scented air freshener. (Memo to the new owners of this apartment, you might get a contact high taking the garbage out.) I didn’t feel like I belonged at all. I didn’t trust my new surroundings. (I shouldn’t admit to this… but I also missed having a concierge.) I had no idea where my home was. I was in poor health for months.

And as two years have come and gone, I know now that coming here was exactly what I needed. It was time for a growth spurt, so to speak. Call me crazy, but I think this apartment has magic in its walls. I’m not exactly sure when it happened, but I started to listen to my gut again… trust my instincts again… and I have much more to do when it comes to my self-confidence but I feel like I’ve done a ton of work here. Speaking of which, my business grew here. I grew vegetables for the first time in my life here. Though it was done in an incredibly painful manner, I got out of a relationship that had been toxic to my system for years here.

I always thought that this place would be perfect for two people, but that wasn’t meant to be for me here… but a couple is moving in here. So the cosmic word got out! And on Tuesday, I will head off and start a new chapter in that Mary-esque building I first spotted two years ago… see? I knew I was onto something. 😉

xo.