Hello, friend…
For quite a while I was not drinking, for health reasons… then I started to have like, a glass a month. Not judging myself, after all I have no heavy vices- but this week I have had three glasses of wine. Yes, in 7 days I have had three glasses of wine but for me that is A LOT. But this week has been A LOT. And I have been in need of something to make the something feel like nothing. Without going into specifics, I’ve been caring for two people who have had covid. They know who they are- you reading this might know who they are. And it’s been a lot for my brain… along with making sure the basics were had (hydration, rest, medicine), I have checked in with myself to calm and remind myself “I can handle this” and I have asked friends/family to remind me that I can handle this. Because I have felt that I might not be able to. But I have been able to. And then there has been A LOT of work to do- a bounty this week, which my bank account is grateful for. My stress level a bit lower, knowing money is being earned. I have checked in with myself to calm and remind myself “You are creating art, and finding ways to create your art” and I have had friends remind me that I am doing a lot and doing it as well as I am able- which is all I need to do. So, there has been wine. Yes. THREE glasses. Only three glasses.
I am letting myself indulge, and to some friends I have failed in my quest to be booze free. But I am not my friends. And I am not perfect. And that is okay! For me, this works. And honestly, I need to work on not being perfect- I need to work on (proverbially) scrapping my knees up a bit. I often times fear that I’m not giving my best to someone because I’m afraid they will judge me- so to avoid judgement, I aim do everything right. You have one job! Well, my one job needs to be to not care about my one job… so to speak. I told my therapist today that I hate phoning it in on stuff. I hate not giving someone my best self. I don’t like to half-ass anything, and yet when it comes to not judging myself? I am doing a half-assed job at not judging myself. And that was a big breakthrough today, not everything has to be shiny and laminated and perfect and polished. Does it have a tear in it? Yes. Will it bother me? Probably. BUT!! There is tape. And no one else sees the tear, Kelly. Jesus.
It’s kind of funny, my work on is to care less. Well, not care less… I will ALWAYS let my empath light shine… but I can disappoint people- scratch that, I will disappoint people. I will forget stuff. I’ll make someone mad. I’ll make myself mad. It’s okay!!!
And that’s my big announcement for today, friends… I, Kelly Zemnickis am NOT perfect! And that is perfectly fine!!
Okay, this is more of an announcement for me.
I need to be reminded of this.
xo.
Marriage & the Single Girl 