Tag Archives: humour

only me.

Hello, friend…

I’m in Montreal for the weekend, back in my hometown, telling jokes and dining on the BEST eats with family (pro tip: when dining out, make sure one of your family members is a chef and knows the chef of where you’re eating- because… ohmylord, I’m being treated like a Queen!!).

Anyway. So last night, at a gig I had, this nice looking guy offers me a drink and we talked a little, and he got me another drink and it was really lovely! He asked what my plans were while I was in town, I told him about my other show, he invited me to a party… amazing, right? Right. So he takes my number, calls me so I have his number and we part ways. I am on cloud nine. (Literally- there was a lot of pot being smoked at this gig.)

And I get in the car. And I check my phone to add his number. And my heart sinks.

He clearly hung up when calling me too quickly because I NEVER GOT HIS PHONE NUMBER. My phone had no missed calls. Why didn’t I check it as he called me and not simply assume all was well??!!!

NEVER ASSUME, FRIENDS. NEVER.

It just makes an ass out of u and me.

seinfeld-saying-newman-meme-1432838940

 

xo.

Advertisements

the power of 2017

Hello, friend…

Winter is officially here. Christmas is a few sleeps away. 2017 is slowly coming to an end.

Before I head off to a stand-up gig tonight, a few thoughts on this year. Now, at the start of the year with Trump being sworn in and the gong show that has continued on since… at the start of the year my overall impression of what I thought 2017 would have been like wasn’t a pleasant picture. I’m still devastated he’s in charge in the States, but what the past few months have given me is waaaaaay more hope than sadness.  And that has surprised me, to be honest.

But just the power of people coming together for common good has been good for the soul. I’m still concerned where things will go on this planet, I worry what the world will be like when my nephews and niece are my age BUT… for now… for now, I look back at this year and I’m happy.

Did I fall in love? Um, no. No, I still really suck at establishing a solid relationship.

BUT. Before you think “well, what else matters, really?” First off, shut up… secondly…

This year I became a contributor at Hello Giggles. My first story with them (insert shameless plug here)…

https://hellogiggles.com/lifestyle/money-career/left-entertainment-industry-became-a-waitress/

… well, that landed me an interview on CBC’s Radio’s Fresh Air program.

I started doing stand up in ANOTHER PROVINCE. The fact that my first gig outside of Toronto was in Gatineau, Quebec still bewilders me. That in January 2018 I’ll celebrate my 2 year standup-versary bewilders me. My stand-up career started at the tender age of 38. Amazing. 😉

My nephew turned 1 this July. The tiniest Zemnickis is just beginning his adventure and I marvel at simply watching him watch the world. This is all new to him. Hummus is new to him and the little man really loves hummus and making silly faces. I think he if he can hang onto that as he grows up, he’ll be set.

My documentary, No Responders Left Behind, my FIRST documentary with my friends Rob, Kristine & Jaime completed filming and was sent off to the Tribeca Film Festival for consideration for 2018. I am going to crap my pants if we get in.

I know, I know… I didn’t find love in 2017 but… the year isn’t over yet and truth be told… there was a LOT of love around me this year. On the good side, my friends Heather & Jeremy got married and invited me to their wedding. My friend Zane married his love, Willa. And people I loved so much, Ana-Alecia and Ray, well they lost their battle with Cancer but they left behind SO much love and light I hope their magic stays with me for always and always.

And the MeToo movement. MY god. What a beautiful thing that has been, because those of us who have been silent and hiding our scars… We can SPEAK UP and SPEAK UP and SPEAK UP. I just… I love it. Because those scars are heavy. And they need to gooooooooooo. And even if you can speak up, you know that you’re not alone and you’re loved and BELIEVED that it’s not and never was your fault.

Power is a good word for this year. Some have taken it in a bad direction, but I think the power of good is winning out. And we will Care Bear Stare the pants out of it as 2017 ends and 2018 begins.

 

 

xo.

 

confidence

Hello, friend…

What a day it’s been. You see, along with writing & stand-up & filmmaking… I also work in bakery. And today, man, you’d think at the first signs of winter here in Toronto folks were thinking they had to stock up for the next few months… we were slammed. Which is great! For any business, especially a small one, you want that much foot traffic. And for the most part, everyone was super to deal with today which is awesome. (Though I could really deal with less of watching couples making out in front of me. It’s like, cool… you’re in love… you are so stoked we have cinnamon buns that you feel the need to make a baby in front of me…. but please, just order something and then rip each other’s clothes off. Pleaseandthankyou.)

At the end of the night, as I closed up, I went to the washroom and I smiled at myself in the mirror. Sure, I felt as tired as hell, but I looked good! I’ve not worn much, if any, make-up for a month or so now… not for any empowerment reasons… I actually haven’t had the money to replenish stuff… ANYWAY. I just caught a smile in my eyes or something, mostly because my teenage self would NEVER have permitted herself to leave the house without LAYERS of make-up on. I had cystic acne as a teenager… my skin wasn’t soft, it was speed bump city.

And I wanted to hiiiiiiiide. And now… well, you better like me for me or you can leave. 🙂

It makes me laugh a little, just at how my teen years were spent in a fight between figuring out who I was and how to get as far away from her as possible. I wanted to be older, I wanted to live in Florida, I wanted to be SOMEBODY, anybody other than who I was. And that was LONG before I’d know what social media was. (And for that reason alone I want to hug every teen in the world right now, I do not know how you find peace amongst all that noise. I’d be a MESS if I was 16 nowadays.) Granted, I still judge myself more than I should… whenever those life markers pop up in my head and I compare myself to others. Who are married, have stable incomes, have families… I question at times why that isn’t me. And then I yell at myself “Because that’s not supposed to be you right now! Jeebsus!”

(Insert Cher slapping Nic Cage in Moonstruck here. Snap Out of It!!)

Being 39 these days, actually, being 39 and single these days isn’t easier either. Online dating is my Achilles heel. But last night, watching the good egg that is Nick Offerman at Shea’s in Buffalo, he said that when he met the woman who’d become his wife he was doing some work on a theatre they’d soon be performing in. He was in his element and whatever light that came from him, must have caught her eye. He championed NOT trying to find love online, but in doing what you love … that way you’ll really connect with someone.

The man’s got a point.

When I’m in my element… I can feel it, that glow.

Confidence is a good thing, ain’t it?

Hmm… maybe a Tinder break is needed. I just did “Sober October”, maybe I can make… um… “No-Online Dating- Vember” a thing. (I will work on that title.)

 

xo.

a dash of perspective

Hello, friend…

The other day I went to my optometrist. I go every year, which might sound unusual to some, but a while back (during an emergency appointment- for something I can’t recall completely) it was discovered that on my right eyeball sits a mole. Like a mole you’d have your doctor check on your skin. You can get something similar  on your eyeball. So every year, as I head in to see my lovely optometrist with my stomach in absolute knots, I tell myself “if it’s Cancer, we’ll be okay”.

And (knock on wood), I’m absolutely fine. It’s not changed shape. It’s just sitting there, just as it looked last year. Phew.  Though I asked her this year, if it ever becomes the Big C, would I lose my vision? I’m told not completely. But it’s nothing to concern myself with. I’m okay. Vision is still perfect. My stomach unwinds as I leave.

I’m lucky, I’m so very lucky. Cancer has run its way through my family like a pinball in a pinball game. My dad is a two-time Cancer survivor. Today he celebrated his 83rd birthday.

But I can see. I don’t take that for granted.

Nor do I take for granted the fact that I can type and hold a coffee cup or keep my head straight. You see, I have something called Essential Tremor. Which is the DUMBEST name EVER… but it mimics symptoms of Parkinson’s. Except that you notice my tremor when I am doing… holding a wine glass (I always hold it with two hands), holding a box… It affects my arms as it has for over 20 years now. But it may decide to travel upwards and grab hold of my neck and my vocal chords and my head.

But it has not decided to do that, for which I am so grateful. I still decide what my body can and should do, and I deal with jerks who say “Oh do I make you nervous?” when they hand me a drink and I can’t hold it steady. I share this tremor with the late, great Katherine Hepburn… so perhaps one day I too will have an Academy Award and a New England accent and a longtime love who is… um… still married to someone else. ANYWAY.

I can (for the most part) control my body. I don’t take that for granted.

SO TELL ME THEN… when I can take joy in the smallest things… how a guy breaking a date with me because my answer to his question of “Do you own a garter belt?” was “No” upset me as much as it did.  WHO MAKES THAT THEIR DEAL BREAKER?!?! And why does this bother me that this was his deal breaker??? 

I can’t seem to control my heart and my hopes. There they float… when a guy makes my heart beat fast…

I kind of hate that but… I can see he was NOT someone to pursue. And as long as I’m still in control of my movements, I will punch him in the face if we ever do run into each other.

xo.

me, myself & I

Hello, friend…

Just a quick thought for the night. Earlier this evening, I went for a wardrobe makeover at a favourite Toronto shop (Fresh Collective). I took home a couple of things that I felt gorgeous in, and as people do these days, I shared a picture on the ol’ Instagram.

And I looked at it…

20170926_185828

Not to toot my own horn too much, but dude… I’m going to be 40 in April.

40.

It’s kind of weird!! Ha! But I looked at this picture and just smiled. I’m not wearing any foundation, just some colour in my brows (as I started losing my hair there of all places) and that hair colour on my head isn’t from a bottle- it’s all mine. (I dyed my hair for 20+ years. I love how going to my natural colour as I approach my 4th decade was considered a “bold” move. So what if there is some grey?! I earned that grey!!*)

But that’s me I stared at, and I like me! I don’t like me every day, but the good days outweigh the bad.

I am quite thrilled to have bid adieu to my 20s, to be honest. I have (mostly) adored my 30s. I’m a bit scared about 40, but more so- I love this river of calm that comes with it… being comfortable in my own skin. A quote on my fridge sums this post up best:

“But now I know the things I know,
And do the things I do;
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!”

xo.

 

(* Honestly? I hardly have any grey hair. I have a couple strands. I love them dearly.)

graduation

Hello, friend…

This time tomorrow I’ll be in my new apartment. My stress level will be lower. Now, I’m someone who has moved A LOT but despite this, I cannot tell you how much I HATE moving. The process- the whole thing- it drives me insane. Up the wall, batty, insane. And I’m not only mad to be crowded in by boxes, I’m also mad that I have so much stuff.

Anyway. THAT being said. I’m looking forward to settling into my new space. I am! I’m hoping we will get along quite nicely.

Do I think places have feelings? Yes. I do. And I know it’s a strange thing to say, but when I moved in to where I am now… I had a feeling, in one part of the apartment in particular, that someone had been really sad in there once. I recall painting the walls and just feeling a heaviness. It was strange, but this turned out to be the one part of the apartment where my internet wasn’t great and a lamp frequently turned itself on.

So… mull on that for a bit.

I felt a lot of stress in here at first. But when I was 18 years old I moved out on my own for the first time, a few blocks away from where I am tonight. I only lived there for a year and I recall leaving that apartment, walking towards the subway, SO upset that I had to go. But I said to myself that I’d move back as soon as I could. It took 19 years, but I kept my promise to myself! I feel as though living here was needed, necessary to even out things from my past… does that make sense? I don’t know. Perhaps coming back to this area unearthed emotions I’d left deep inside. (My stomach was a wreck for the first little while of living here, for the second time.)

In two years of living here though, with my mom as my roomie – see my Hello Giggles piece on that here-

http://hellogiggles.com/love-sex/relationships/my-mom-is-my-roommate/

… in those two years, my life changed here. It changed. Big time. I learned I’d be an Aunt again here, I made a connection with someone on Twitter that led to my co-producing my first documentary, I made my TMZ Live debut here, I had lovely lovely romances here, I learned my neighbour Anne once worked with Charlie CHAPLIN!! SO much goodness came living within these walls. But it was not without a heaviness of heart, either. Where boxes are piled high right now, I stood and learned my James had died. In the bathroom was where I sat on the floor and cried with him weeks before, as we said our goodbyes on the phone.

Not every space we live in will do things for us, some experiences in places you’ll want to run so quickly from you won’t even hear the door slam behind you. But I’m truly grateful for whatever magic lived here. Or still lives here.

The air is different here, it’s lighter… I hope the family that moves in here Saturday will add more love and magic.

I feel tonight like I’m packing up, having finished college and am moving on to see what life has in store for me next. I’m ready! It’s time to see what is beyond these walls, yo. 😉

xo.

eeyore is my spirit animal

Hello, friend…

Despite all that is going on in my life these days, and there is a fair bit to keep me busy, as I said to a friend tonight- I’ve been feeling like Eeyore has been my spirit animal of late.

I’ve been feeling a bit sad, a bit stuck and I can’t really pin point why this has been so. It just has been.

As I occasionally do my terrible check list in my head of things I haven’t done yet (i.e Get Married! Establish a diverse banking portfolio! Learn to like Apple Cider Vinegar!), I put aside what I have done and AM doing and focus on things that haven’t come my way for one reason or another. I’ve also been blue because I’m moving soon, and with leaving this place I’m leaving an apartment where I learned I was going to become an aunt again & where I’d have my final conversation ever with my late James. And it’s like I’m losing him all over again, which is just a very heavy feeling. But good memories or not-so-good memories aside, I do know that moving won’t change that these things happened.  I guess I’m simply aware that I feel a bit out of sorts, and am trying not to judge myself too much for that.

Yes, there are a lot of good things in my life right now and yes, my heart feels heavy. And there’s been a part of myself that has been super-judgey of this paradox. How can you feel down? You have no reason to feel down!! So today when my boss asked if I was feeling okay, I told her that I’ve not been feeling like myself actually… and by admitting that out loud allowed a small weight to float off my shoulder. At a BBQ tonight, I confessed to a few more friends that I’ve been a bit stuck… and another weight floated upwards.

No one told me I was crazy or an idiot for feeling down, if anything there was compassion offered and permission given to let me vent. It silenced my inner critic enough that when I got home, it wasn’t there to bark at me that I’m not doing good enough at being an adult. Likely because I acknowledged it… I found it hiding and called out “tag, you’re it!”

The truth is, I may not ever know if I’m doing this right. Finding balance can take a lot of time.

And that’s okay.

I think the more I look to improve my balance, and like ALL the parts of myself (not just the ones that do stand up & write, but the ones that can admit to thinking that Bee Gee’s song More Than A Woman was called Four Letter Woman)… then it’ll just help me ride out the bumps.

After all, I do wear a tattoo that reminds me daily that I am braver than I believe, and stronger than I seem and am smarter than I think.

xo.