Tag Archives: humour

…this is a thing?

Apparently, our friends in Germany were not happy with how they were getting laid by tourists so… they made this thing:

https://www.zanzu.de/de/themen/sexualit%C3%A4t

I do appreciate the frowny face emoticons, helping me to know what NOT to do when doing a German. Um… anyway… For a write up in English, you can read the article here:

https://www.someecards.com/news/so-that-happened/website-instructs-visitors-on-how-germans-have-sex/

 

sugar & spice

Hello, friend…

I am hours into my 39th year. I am amazed that my 30s have gone by as quickly as they have. 10 years ago, I fretted about turning 30 and worried that I wasn’t where I should be in life and I should be more of an adult (even though at the time I was a homeowner) etc etc etc.

Last night I did an open mic at a long-established open mic in the city, sitting with my joke book and slice of pie (I didn’t bring pie with me- it was being offered to the comics) and catching up with an old friend who couldn’t quite figure out what happened to me. “When I saw you last you were quiet, and working at CBC TV…” he recalled, “and now you’re here telling jokes?!” My friend was happy to see me, don’t get me wrong, but he was also kind of confused. And I get it, the Kelly he knew before would NEVER have done stand-up. She NEVER would have had tattoos.

So here I am, 10 years later, seeing 40 on the horizon. I’m more certain of myself than ever before. I 100% never could have told jokes to strangers when I was 29. As much as I’ve always wanted tattoos, I was prevented from getting them sooner because it didn’t fit the image people had of me.

It’s taken time to find my footing. I’m still off-balance, but I have perfected my fall! I get up quickly. I dust myself off.

While yes, I’m more aware of time than ever before… and yes, I have days where I feel like I knew more then than I do now… I’m also aware now more than ever that things will happen when they are meant to.  My life is filled with things I NEVER DREAMED COULD  ACTUALLY HAPPEN. It’s kind of nuts.

So… my unsolicited advice? Live each day to the absolute fullest because there are SO many places to go. Trust that you’ll be okay. You’ll make mistakes because you’re supposed to make mistakes.

 

xo.

‪+1 (416) 839-8810‬ 20150131_172313 (That’s me waiting to take your call, 1979/1980)

 

 

 

… a little bit of magic

Hello, friend…

I’m just home from a really great night. I did some stand-up at a venue I’d never been at before and the place was packed and friends were there… and there was some super fun karaoke times afterwards. The simple fact that I get to go and tell jokes is something I beam over. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE stand-up. I feel my nerves go up to a level I cannot describe as I’m being introduced and then I get to the mic, and I feel like I’m home.

I feel at home on stage, just me with a mic, telling jokes.

I don’t think I could have predicted EVER saying that 20 years ago, when I was at the bar next door to the venue I was at tonight.

20 years ago, I headed over to Toronto’s famed McVeigh’s for the first time with my dear James for a pint. I’d never had Guinness before, but James didn’t need to know that. But that night was magic… we talked about EVERYTHING, we confessed having feelings for each other. We kissed for the first time in a corner of the basement. That night I fell in love with James, and Guinness and Van Morrison.

As you know, if you follow my stories, James has been gone for just about a year now. Tonight, as I left the club, after a girl power inspired of No Scrubs with my friends- I was smiling as I do and looked at McVeigh’s and saw James and I that night 21 years ago saying our good-nights. Or trying to. 😉 I kept walking and then completely caught my breath… because…

When James was getting really, really sick we talked. And I decided with my love being so sick, he couldn’t do all he wanted to do so… since I had been thinking about doing stand-up for a good year at that point, I decided to jump and I asked friends if I could do a set at their show. They said Yes.

Something I now love to do SO MUCH came from my pain of knowing he wasn’t well. So James… thank you for pushing me. You always knew I could do things I never thought I could do. Thank you so fucking much.

I’m home and it’s 2am and I’m eating McDonald’s and my throat hurts from laughing and singing off-key and I’m so happy.

xo.

well, hello…

Hello, friend…

I have the best news to share, Hello Giggles has very kindly published an essay of mine and if you don’t mind… I’d like to share it with YOU! I’m absolutely tickled they chose to add this to their awesome website.

http://hellogiggles.com/left-entertainment-industry-became-a-waitress/

A pretty sweet way to start 2017, I’d say. 🙂

xo.

 

two drink maxmium

Hello, friend…

As someone whose background is a mix of Latvian, British & French Protestant there is something that is expected of me once people learn of my heritage… that I will drink friends and strangers under the table.

And while, yes, I did consume a rather absurd amount of booze at my brother’s wedding… I have to come clean about something. As I get closer to the 40th year of my life… I… I just can’t drink like I used to. And as someone who has been online dating for a bit and occasionally meeting a fellow for an introductory drink, it’s a bit embarrassing that after two beverages I’m done. Especially if they are a few years younger and game to order round number four or do shots before the beer arrives. It’s not for the fact that I’m drunk. (It’s more “tipsy”.) Well, sometimes I’m drunk but… I really, I stop my drinks after two because…

– I’m bloated
– I’m doing the mental math on how many empty calories I just consumed
– I’m no longer a fan of having a hangover, I’m just not… I returned my membership to that club a while ago

Aaaauuuggghhhhh!!!! Why am I such a disgrace to my people??!!?? And when did these concerns come into my head while out at a bar? And why the hell does beer make me bloat so badly??

It’s really hard to be sexy when you’re bloated after a beer. A BEER. (Don’t even get me started when I have sushi AND a beer… it really looks like I’m about to give birth to a small village.)

I don’t know. It’s all just depressing how my body doesn’t do some things like it used to… like “single girl reading the NY Times Wedding Announcement section while nursing a bad cold” depressing. BUT! On the positive end. I am in the best shape I’ve been in in a WHILE. So.. there’s that. Right? 😉

xo.

the telephone

“Richard Wright. The telephone. Have you two met?”

Hello, friend…

The above quote is one of my favourite lines from Sex & the City. There was Samantha, sitting by the phone waiting for her boyfriend to show up or at least call to explain his whereabouts. Not to sound as if I’m 82, but kids today can’t relate to the ridiculous power the telephone held. Just a straight up telephone. Not a smartphone, not FaceTime. Just a phone with a handle and buttons you pushed or a dial that you circled around and around.

You dialed the phone number of the object of your affection.

It rang.

Sometimes you hung up immediately in a panic. Sometimes their parents or roommate answered. (Or, in my case once the girlfriend he said he had broken up with answered with a hint of sass in her voice that made you want to punch her.) Sometimes you got the answering machine…. beeeeeeeep. Silence. You tried to calm down the sudden increase in your heartbeat. You left a message.

And then you hung up and judged yourself for the quality of the message you left. I left horrible messages! I still remember one message I left for a guy I had JUST seen and said my full name after my “hello”. Why did I do that? Did I think he was sleeping with a plethora of other Kelly’s? But that message held weight. The leaving a message for a person your heart desired had power. The quality could make or break a call-back. Now? Now, you have to do sit ups and leg lifts so the “selfie” or picture of your ass that you send the person your heart (or libido) desires is worthy of their attention.

So, hence my surprise when a fellow I met online recently asked we chat on the phone before meeting!  We’re talking on the phone?! My excitement level hit 10. I may have briefly envisioned what our wedding would be like. Nevertheless, he called and we had a great chat… and we met that afternoon for our date.

And we clicked, we had people smiling at us! I wanted to tell everyone at the coffee shop we were in This guy telephoned me this morning! It brought back a good feeling, what can I say? So we make plans for our second date. And the next morning, a Monday I should point out, he asked if I was up so he could call me. It was 10:30am. Having just finished my workout, I skipped around my apartment with glee! My phone was not making the sound it makes when I get a text… it was ringing!!

I answered. I took a breath and tried to calm down my heartbeat.

He told me had been doing some thinking.

This was moving too quickly.  (Things were moving too quickly?! We had coffee!) There wouldn’t be a 2nd date.  However… if I just wanted to meet up now and then to have sex he’d love to see me again.

I quickly scrambled to think of words that weren’t fuck, asshole or fucking asshole as I ended my break-up-wake-up call.

And then I gave him my best impression of a dial tone.

xo.