photograph.

Hello, friend…

This is a picture of me on my 16th birthday.

In my floral era…

For some reason, looking at it, as I have done a few times since finding it again yesterday, it’s made me cry. And I’m not entirely sure why, but it pokes at something deep inside. And I’m just trying to send a telepathic message to the kid in that photo saying “You are awesome, please please please know that you are good. You are enough.” I guess because 30 years later, I still struggle with a sense of self some days – but am immensely grateful that it’s not as much as I used to. At 16, I had the luxury of time I guess… and now at 46, I have the luxury of wisdom and growth and scars and experiences. So to 46 year old Kelly I say: “Fuck being Good Enough! You’re good!! You’re enough!!!”

There was a lot of talk tonight after dinner with my mom, dad and Aunt Ruth about what will become of us when we’re gone. Funeral plans, what to do with us when we’re gone. Heavy conversations, yes but also realistic and necessary. I guess one thing about looking at this photo of me at 16 is the girl in that photo had ZERO idea of what my life would be like beyond 30. I truly couldn’t see anything when I daydreamed about life as a “grown up”. THOUGH, THOUGH… I did often dream that I’d be married to Jordan Knight from New Kids on the Block and we had the COOLEST house that I could still describe to this day, small and warm and painted yellow and this gorgeous flower filled backyard with a pool in California. (All of this kind of bizarre, as Donnie was my fave member, but whatever. I guess little me knew older me would see the value of a good, stable guy and not shack up with the bad boy.) When my friend Matt died in 2012, I remember tearfully asking my mom how he had so little time left after I last saw him. And she kindly reminded me we have no idea how long we get here, so don’t focus on that. I can’t believe it’s been 12 years since he passed. I last saw him in 2004, after which our paths just unravelled after we had spent time together in Montreal. One memory I have of him is in Westmount, my old neighbourhood, at the base of Argyle where my sister once lived, and Matt taking my picture. I close my eyes and see him putting his eye to the camera and taking my picture, and then he just fades away. For all these years since he died, it’s the image I see when I think of him around this time of year…

We had met in improv class, I liked him immediately but not in “that way”. And then I soon liked him in “that way”. He was a wonderful guy, full of curiosity and life. He was so handsome. He was funny and super smart. His death sudden and still, 12 years later, a slight mystery. From what I was told, it was an accident at home. I hope it was, and not done in purpose, but I’ll never know. Matt would have easily been someone you might see on Saturday Night Live, only to leave a few years later to become an astronaut… like he just did SO many things. He loved learning, true to our improv roots, he was always saying Yes, And…

I guess there’s something to seeing myself in that picture and realizing what I’ve done to get to where I am now and then Matt has crept into my brain and I think about what he could have had on his to do list when he left us. Our only date was a skate at Nathan Phillips Square, down at City Hall, here in Toronto. He was SO excited I had suggested we go skating… I suggested it because I knew I was terrible at skating so there would be many opportunities to hold onto him. (So clever!) And then he told me he had once dated some professional athlete and it dawned on me that I was about to disappoint this really handsome guy. He expected me to be good at skating. And oh, I disappointed him. I fell a lot. Like, a lot. But he got us some hot chocolates and we sat on the bench and I confessed all… I was really just trying to get in his pants. Ha. Oh, youth!

Last night I did a storytelling show, sharing the stage with someone I’d not seen in easily 20 years… and I told a story about some of the jobs I’ve had and I engaged the sold out house and made them laugh and I was myself. And it felt great. I wrapped up the story by saying that I like how I’ve ultimately ended up where I was meant to be- where I wanted to be as a kid- I just had to get a bit lost along the way.

I think Matt would have approved. He’d give a solid thumbs up to doing all sorts of things, in pursuit of soaking it all up and figuring it out. Not caring if you realize you’re needing to change it up in the middle of something you just said yes to.

He’d be grateful I think of him still. I’m grateful I met him and have him to still think of.

I can only imagine what he’d have gotten up to next if he was still here… there’s so much to explore still, so much love to offer up. I’ll leave you with this- try something new this coming week. And if you’re lucky enough to get to look back one day, you’ll be proud you pushed yourself.

xo.