Tag Archives: self-confidence

sugar & spice

Hello, friend…

I am hours into my 39th year. I am amazed that my 30s have gone by as quickly as they have. 10 years ago, I fretted about turning 30 and worried that I wasn’t where I should be in life and I should be more of an adult (even though at the time I was a homeowner) etc etc etc.

Last night I did an open mic at a long-established open mic in the city, sitting with my joke book and slice of pie (I didn’t bring pie with me- it was being offered to the comics) and catching up with an old friend who couldn’t quite figure out what happened to me. “When I saw you last you were quiet, and working at CBC TV…” he recalled, “and now you’re here telling jokes?!” My friend was happy to see me, don’t get me wrong, but he was also kind of confused. And I get it, the Kelly he knew before would NEVER have done stand-up. She NEVER would have had tattoos.

So here I am, 10 years later, seeing 40 on the horizon. I’m more certain of myself than ever before. I 100% never could have told jokes to strangers when I was 29. As much as I’ve always wanted tattoos, I was prevented from getting them sooner because it didn’t fit the image people had of me.

It’s taken time to find my footing. I’m still off-balance, but I have perfected my fall! I get up quickly. I dust myself off.

While yes, I’m more aware of time than ever before… and yes, I have days where I feel like I knew more then than I do now… I’m also aware now more than ever that things will happen when they are meant to.  My life is filled with things I NEVER DREAMED COULD  ACTUALLY HAPPEN. It’s kind of nuts.

So… my unsolicited advice? Live each day to the absolute fullest because there are SO many places to go. Trust that you’ll be okay. You’ll make mistakes because you’re supposed to make mistakes.

 

xo.

‪+1 (416) 839-8810‬ 20150131_172313 (That’s me waiting to take your call, 1979/1980)

 

 

 

tell your story.

Hello, friend…

I absolutely could not have imagined on Monday how this week would turn out. Maybe you’ve had a week like that recently, where by the time Sunday rolls around you’re not certain how x, y & z happened… but they did. And I mean this in the best way possible! I know utterly terrible things can pop out of nowhere, but in this case it’s all good. 🙂

If I’ve learned anything this week, it’s the power and the importance of telling your story. There is absolutely nothing better than speaking your truth, there is absolutely nothing more important. Because the thing is, you never know how your story can be a spark for someone else. And there have been some gorgeous sparks this week as the result of an article I wrote for Hello Giggles (well, hello…). From that article, I got a call from CBC Radio and a program of theirs called Fresh Air… they wanted to talk to me on air!!!! So many firsts have happened in these early days of 2017… I sold my first article, and I did my first Radio Interview.

Beautiful things can happen when we talk, when we share, when we listen. We don’t do enough of that. (This may make me sound old, but, it’s true… social media is quite the opposite of anything social. So after you finish here, please go make plans with a friend to have a coffee. Or walk in the park… unless it’s minus 20 outside. Then just stay inside with your coffees.)

A few folks have told me my career shift is inspiring to them, gave a dash of hope to a risk they thought of taking. That means more to me than I can tell you. I took a very risky turn stepping out of a role I had established myself in, but by taking that time away, I got to know myself again. I needed to get away from that life… I HAD to. I would love to run into my time machine, and go back 10 years to run to my 28 year old self with arms wide open and scream out “THINGS ARE GOING TO BE FIIIIIIINE! YOU’RE GOING TO BE MAKING A F**KING DOCUMENTARY IN 10 YEARS!!” as I hug her tightly.

Anyhoo…. Here is the link to my amazing adventure from this week, my very first radio interview:

img_0803

(with Eli Glasner at CBC Radio)

 

xo.

well, hello…

Hello, friend…

I have the best news to share, Hello Giggles has very kindly published an essay of mine and if you don’t mind… I’d like to share it with YOU! I’m absolutely tickled they chose to add this to their awesome website.

http://hellogiggles.com/left-entertainment-industry-became-a-waitress/

A pretty sweet way to start 2017, I’d say. 🙂

xo.

 

in defence (or defense) of 2016

Hello, friend…

As the year comes to a close, 2016 hasn’t made many friends. I know it’s been a very very bad year for many reasons.

This time last year, I was trying to figure out a lot of stuff… wondering where puzzle pieces could go together… each year we feel that way, though don’t we? We see the new year with copious amounts of hope and optimism. We don’t always act on things we promise or challenge ourselves to, no… sometimes by the first week of January it’s pretty much dead in the water! But this year was different for me.

As 2016 took artists I loved dearly (Bowie, Cohen, etc etc) & took my first love (James, to Cancer in April), as 2016 caused a tremendous amount of pain… there was something to this year that pushed me towards what I wanted more than before. Things aligned in a way, possibly to counter the heartbreak & distract me. This was the year that I got up on that open mic stage and did stand-up, that I stopped wanting to get a tattoo and GOT tattooed.  2016 was a year of stop talking about doing the thing and DO THE THING.

I couldn’t have done a bigger thing than start the ball rolling on my 1st documentary, that was a big thing. That came from a tweet, which lead to an introduction, which set off a light-bulb. No Responders Left Behind is set to be completed in the spring of 2017 along with my friends Rob & Kristine providing me with a big, necessary producer safety blanket. This documentary has changed my life… 100%, full stop. I’ve made friends with men & women who ran into hell and did the unthinkable on 9/11… and that our paths crossed means the world to me. We have a big torch to carry, and I have to do them proud in 2017.

I thought I found paths to new romances this year, but they were dead-ends. But this year had bigger things to focus on, bigger fish to fry… like being able to look at myself in the mirror and say with complete confidence that I like me. A lot. Is that because I’m almost 40? Probably. (I’d hate to be almost 40 and not feel that way.) BUT my heart did find love in a way that I couldn’t have predicted, well, I knew I’d feel a lot but… seeing my nephew Cohen for the first time?! DAMN. I didn’t think you could feel that much love for ANYTHING. So here is to Cohen for bringing sheer BLISS to our family, and in return little dude, we will do our best to make sure the planet is safe for when you’re my age… 🙂

So. 2017 is almost here… it will be my last full year in my 30s & I am both sad and amused by this (where the fuck did my 30s go?!?!)… it will be a year that I keep doing the thing. Because I know I am capable. 2017 will be a year where I’ll never again let fear stop me from doing the things I love. James believed in me when we met, and now that he’s gone, he’s still sending me love. And I share that with you, friend.

I’m on a roll, baby!

Let’s dance.

xo.

 

 

timing

Hello, friend…

I had a thought tonight as I left a comedy writing workshop tonight, and went to get a boneless chicken roti from one of my favourite spots in the city… I was thinking of how lucky I am. Here I was, at 9pm at night, walking up Bathurst with a roti in hand and feeling good about some new jokes I tried out tonight. Kelly from a year ago was anxious to put her toes in the stand-up comedy waters but it would take three months to get the lady-balls to actually do it.

Okay, talking about myself in the third person is weird. I’ll stop.

But yeah, in January of this year, I convinced friends to put me in their show and with my brother and a couple of friends in the audience up I went. 37 years old and no-longer a stand-up comedy virgin!! Huzzah! (Though I’d never been so convinced I could possibly pass-out in front of people as I was that night, oh my god was I scared.) Now, I’m not someone who feels like I’m an adult most of the time; I’m 38 but I think I’m still 23. But I know that I’m older than a good lot of the comics I’ve come across so far, and I had a moment tonight where I thought “Why the hell didn’t I start doing this 10 years ago? I CAN do this damnit! Why didn’t I know I could do this when I was younger??!! AAUUUGGHH!”

The thing is, I wasn’t ready to do this at 28. The timing wasn’t right.

Yes, I spent countless nights as a teen watching An Evening at the Improv on A & E, or sneaking in a late night David Letterman episode on a school night. But there was no thought that EVER came into my head that said “You should try stand-up comedy!” I did tech for improv and sketch troupes, though and THEN I got on stage myself and it was fun but it never felt… right. I was trying to fit into a pair of pants that fit but… if I sat down I couldn’t breathe. And I don’t know about you, but I like to be able to breathe in any position I’m in. It’s, as the French say, really fucking important. (Read that last bit in a French accent for the full effect.)

I morphed into background stuff, and I still love background stuff … but when I was 24 I started writing again and that became my first play. I think that’s when the proverbial penny dropped, and slooooowly I found my confidence. And then fast forward to tonight, I am 38 and I’m heading home with a roti that I should NOT be eating at 9pm at my age but fuck it. I’m heading home having told some jokes that made some cool people laugh and I’ll do it again in a night or two.  As I ride the TTC and listen to my music, I daydream about submitting a package to Late Night with Seth Meyers of my material… because, why not try?!  I can try that! What’s the worst that could happen?

It’s all about timing. It’s all about the timing when I’m up on stage with that mic and a spotlight on me, thinking to myself why  I didn’t try this sooner.

I wasn’t ready to do the thing. But now… I am doing the thing.

Cue late night dance part to work off late night roti!!!!

xo.

 

 

headknocks & broomsticks

Hello, friend…

These past couple of weeks have been an interesting one. I knocked my head at work (I’ve taken a part time job at bakery and it’s fabulous… though I may need to start telling myself I’m allergic to tahini in order to stop myself from inhaling every single tahini cookie crumb I spot ). ANYWAY. I bumped my head and as a result was put on bed rest for 5 days. I wasn’t allowed to do much of anything but meditate.

Now, as someone who has had anxiety and panic attacks since the age of 10, keeping my mind calm is not something I’ve been very good at…BUT it’s something I’ve been working on.  And those 5 days proved to be something quite wonderful, minus the mild head trauma mind you. There is something so very healing when you just sit and listen to yourself, being still… though I question why I decided it was a good idea when I could look at a screen again that I re-join Tinder but anyhoo…. Why not re-join Tinder, Kelly?! Online dating is such fun! It’s like playing “will it float”* with your love life!

(*Oh, I miss David Letterman.)

And Tinder has already proved to be a plethora of fun Q&A’s, like “what are your three favourite body parts on a man?” So, thanks mild concussion! Super fun times on Tinder lay ahead I’m sure.

But as much as it hurt, perhaps there was something necessary that happened there. As my friend/massage therapist/healer/awesome lady told me, perhaps it was my body trying to get me to focus on myself.

Perhaps I haven’t been doing a very good job of that lately.

Perhaps it was my body’s way of telling me “there’s a lot of material in online dating, Kelly- you should get back on Tinder.” :/

Ugghh… fiiiiine.

xo.

time travel & fireworks & canada day

Hello, friend…

This fine country I live in, Canada, celebrated it’s 149th birthday today (as I write this it is still July 1st). And that means one thing… fireworks. Well, it means a ton of other things but I know I’ll be seeing fireworks and that just takes me to a happy place. I love fireworks. If I ever get married, I want to have fireworks at some point in the celebration. This is the only thing I know for sure about my possibly getting married one day… oh!… I am also totes down for a wedding a la City Hall as I want it to be small. Okay, so there are two things I know for sure about that.

AAAAANYHOOZIES.

Back to Canada Day and the anticipated fireworks. As I get older, I am less and less a fan of crowds. So I tend to watch fireworks from a fair distance away, preferably my rooftop or window. Living in the city allows for this, multiple angles and space to view the gorgeous collection of lights and colours. This year, my friend suggested we go see some fireworks and I suggested we hit a park in my neighbourhood… I saw on Twitter that the community group was holding an event. Perfecto!

And you know what? It was absolutely perfect. We grabbed a few moments on the swings before the children discovered adults were on there reliving their youth… we warmed up with some coffee… and joined the line for free glow sticks & sparklers. There we were, in the midtown of Toronto, near a splash pad and a community ballpark  with children dancing to hits of our youth (i.e Glass Tiger, anyone?!) in a style of dance we lovingly described as ” the I’m being swarmed by bees dance”. Kids are the best that way, they just DO. Judgement comes later… when they’re like 18 years old.

But to a music playlist that took me back to when I was younger and carefree, the whole shebang took me back to when my parents would take my brother & I to the park down the street to watch the fireworks. It wasn’t anything super fancy, but it was done with such love. The dads set up the stuff and we all got to watch this awesome show of colours and sparkles. It was like I was 10 years old again, when I sat beside Todd in Grade 5 and dreamed of being famous. I loved, loved loooooved Todd. Todd would break my heart, multiple times… boys still break my heart… that hasn’t changed a whole lot. But for few moments tonight, something reminded me that magic is still possible. The sparkles and colours of fireworks continue to dazzle me! I looked up and cheered and applauded with everyone, and thought to myself of all the cool things I get to do. Because I get to do some pretty cool shit! Not everything in my life is where I’d like it to be, there are a lot of bumps, but I haven’t lost my sense of wonder. I like that. 10 year old me would approve of that. 🙂

So, here is some Glass Tiger to take you into the wee hours… go dance the bees away.

xo.