2 blocks away.

Hello, friend…

I’m in my second home this Canadian Thanksgiving long weekend, Brooklyn… with my dearest – my boyfriend Adam, and just coming back to a quiet apartment that just a few minutes ago was filled with his children and lots of music and yelling and laughter. While it is strange to not be with my immediate family for Thanksgiving, it’s interesting how life in Pandemic times helped to tempter any feelings of sorrow that I’m not passing turkey and stuffing to my left and right. Because I’ve experienced that recently- a lot of us have. But also, while it’s nice to be in the apartment alone right now and listening to Jon Batiste, I dunno… I also suddenly miss that beautiful chaos that being around kids brings. I find it makes me appreciate the quiet and makes me appreciate seeing them in equal measure.

For a city that I’ve never lived more than 2 weeks at a time in, New York City is very much home to me. But I’ve been coming here since I was a little kid, tagging along on business trips my dad had here… coming here in my teens…. my 20s… and so on. I had a brief romance with a guy who lived in Queens in my 20s, that ended up an epic disaster. All my fault, my anxiety out of control- okay I shouldn’t say it was all my fault … but I didn’t know how to verbalize what was wrong in my head. That break-up led to my starting treatments and well, the bad break-up had a purpose I guess. Early in my stand-up career, I played Gotham Comedy Club ( a BIG deal!). I have had a variety of highs and lows in this city at different stages of my life.

Last night while we were walking to what ended up being quite the “interesting” gig, I noticed at one point a hotel I had stayed at a few years before- knowing full well that romance was DOA and ultimately had my heart broken. We were about 2 blocks away from where I now stood. And the woman who was likely at that same corner a few years earlier… would be quite pleased with where she ended up. On the other corner, the other side of the street- miles happier and more fulfilled. I smiled at the thought that all those paths led me here. It’s always interesting when you stop and turn your head and acknowledge what has zoomed by you… because ultimately, life goes by faaaaast.

But nothing of what that relationship was served me any purpose. No, scratch that, it served the purpose in that none of that was what I wanted anymore. It’s interesting how contentment is so calming, when the initial fear of it wears off- because I think I took great pleasure in trying to fit a square peg in a round hole for a while. Just to show I could make it work. But it never did. And I do feel some nervousness admitting that I’m content, happy… but I’m putting it out there. We’ll see how it grows. And I don’t put this just on relationships, but work too… I think while we do have to take some jobs to make ends meet, if you can find a place to do work that brings contentment… oh- that’s where the magic is.

Apropos of nothing… One thing I think really isn’t serving me much purpose anymore is alcohol. I was presented the prettiest drink last night, and I will say I do not drink often, but it was the prettiest drink… and just a few sips kicked my ass so hard. So I stopped, buzzed enough that I realized this wasn’t fun anymore. And buzz enough that I knew my body was putting up all the white flags. A while after the show, at our diner, where we had our first meal together… I got to talking to a woman in the restroom (or as we say back home, washroom) who couldn’t find the soap… she laughed as she said “Oh, I am so very very drunk right now”. I had had five sips about 2 hours earlier and I was praying for a miracle.

A beautiful drink, yes… but might be my last one for a whiiiile….

I don’t want to go to there again, personally. A point where I find the humor in being drunk. At a point where knowing the excitement of the moment comes with no strings. No thanks. I want the mess of the strings, the mess of figuring things out. I’m good with a warming cup of coffee, midnight breakfast that is being consumed way too late for my metabolic contentment and knowing that the kids are coming by in the morning.

xo.