Hello, friend…
I paid a visit to my old self tonight. Let me explain. After I finished up at the studio (recording an episode of my new podcast Holler & Whine, something I am SOOOOO proud of), I took a walk past my old condo building. Looking up at where my home once was. Where I once looked down from. And I found my old window, and quietly said “You did good, girl”. Because I remember the day I left that place, I felt I left in a rush, and I felt sad but hopeful. I didn’t know what was ahead, but I had hopes I’d buy a new condo again soon and in the same area.
And while I ended up moving into an incredibly haunted apartment building (oh, it was nutty- I should have charged those spirits rent!), my heart got broken again and again… I truly ended up renovating every aspect of my life (went from working in TV production to waitressing). Moving up and down, but slowly clearing the path that I’ve been on now for a few years. While in the moment, I may not know the way or if I’m on the most efficient route- looking back and up at that condo window tonight… oh, I made the right decision. Staying there wouldn’t have allowed me to be here. I don’t have the fancy “homeowner” credentials anymore, but I’d not trade the credits I have now for that. I, without a doubt, wouldn’t. There’s no shame in renting, friends! None!! There’s no shame in starting over! None at alllll!!!
I left that condo that day thinking maybe I’d buy again, maybe I’d get married one day… maybe maybe maybe… and heck, maybe those things are still in my future! But honestly, even if they’re not, it’s okay. It doesn’t mean I’m a loss, it doesn’t mean I’ve done anything wrong. I read a lot about how after women have had kids, they have this different view on life and one that is “less selfish”. Am I selfish because I don’t have a kid? Oh, fuck no… we’re not all meant to procreate. There are different ways children can still be in your life if you’re not a mom, be the best aunt you can be! Maybe you’ll meet someone with children and you’ll get the joy of helping to shape their world! Or maybe you’ll just have cats and be the be the best cat mom you can be. Are you living life on your terms? Celebrate that!! Always be learning, improving, growing.
I recently came back from the Seattle International Film Festival, where my directorial debut had a lovely reception. I am incredibly lucky that I get to make art and put it out into the world. But it is a hard life path, there’s no safety net… I make good decisions and I make incredibly bad ones… but I’m more than just a homeowner now. That was something that really defined me a few years back. And now… I define me. I like that.
xo.
Marriage & the Single Girl 