can i get you a beer..?

Hello, friend…

What a day it’s been… I have learned that there is a… wait for it… GIRL GUIDE COOKIE BEER!!!

http://www.eater.com/2017/3/22/15012608/girl-scout-cookie-flavored-beer-is-an-actual-thing

But in all seriousness, today my latest essay for Hello Giggles was published and the feedback I’ve been getting on it fills my heart with SUCH joy. I took a risk with this essay, or at least I think I did, in admitting that I don’t want children. I’m days away from my 39th birthday. I’ve been fielding the “do you think about having children?” questions for YEARS now and I think the only thing I’ve perfected is how I deflect the question. But owning the fact that I am okay with not having the title of Mom, owning that I am HAPPY in my life and BLESSED that I get to do what I do… that is something to celebrate. I’m happy.  That is a good thing!

Hearing today from women who have offered thanks for putting into words what they could not, for giving them permission to feel as they do for not wanting to become a parent… all of this just shows how important it is to tell YOUR story. I shared mine and gave comfort and confidence to women I’ve never met. I can’t tell you how much that means to me.

So here is the article… grab a cookie beer and settle in. I offer a cheers to YOU, friend.

http://hellogiggles.com/why-i-dont-need-motherhood-to-be-a-fulfilled-woman/

 

xo.

glasses

Hello, friend…

I am feeling the sting tonight of having met someone recently, but learning he has a lady after that feeling of “OOH! I like you!!” got settled into my belly rather nicely. In the words of one Charlie Brown, “good grief”. Once again, like Charlie, I’ve missed the football and landed on my back in pain. (The ego taking the brunt of the bruising.) But the GOOD part of it all is that I have made an awesome new friend and I truly mean that! I’m sad he’s not single, but I’m definitely glad we’ve met. He’s the coolest guy.

So! Here I am back to that game of trying to figure out which box is covering the baseball. (Occasionally, a drunk homeless guy is under one of the boxes but he tells me I’m pretty & that gives me enough pep in my step to keep looking.)

This weekend, as I sat in the waiting room of a tattoo shop in Toronto, across from me sat a guy and a girl who I thought were a couple given the body language but it soon became clear he was there to be a good friend and support her as she got tattoo number one. I was trying not to listen too closely to their conversation, but at one point she talked about her boyfriend and how “he challenged her”, but “in a good way, it’s good stress”. I wanted to ask her, “Do you really want that, though?” And I also thought of “SO WHY ISN’T HE HERE INSTEAD OF THAT GUY SITTING NEXT TO YOU WHO CLEARLY IS INTO YOU!?”

I’m guilty of it, not seeing something that was CLEARLY there, until it was too late. Or telling myself “it’s not SO bad with him” when really, I deserved better. My proverbial glasses weren’t on or, I was wearing those damn rose-coloured ones. (long sigh) ANYWAY. I hope that girl survived her first tattoo, and I keep hoping that one day I’ll finally kick that damn football.

xo.

KAZ

 

 

… a little bit of magic

Hello, friend…

I’m just home from a really great night. I did some stand-up at a venue I’d never been at before and the place was packed and friends were there… and there was some super fun karaoke times afterwards. The simple fact that I get to go and tell jokes is something I beam over. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE stand-up. I feel my nerves go up to a level I cannot describe as I’m being introduced and then I get to the mic, and I feel like I’m home.

I feel at home on stage, just me with a mic, telling jokes.

I don’t think I could have predicted EVER saying that 20 years ago, when I was at the bar next door to the venue I was at tonight.

20 years ago, I headed over to Toronto’s famed McVeigh’s for the first time with my dear James for a pint. I’d never had Guinness before, but James didn’t need to know that. But that night was magic… we talked about EVERYTHING, we confessed having feelings for each other. We kissed for the first time in a corner of the basement. That night I fell in love with James, and Guinness and Van Morrison.

As you know, if you follow my stories, James has been gone for just about a year now. Tonight, as I left the club, after a girl power inspired of No Scrubs with my friends- I was smiling as I do and looked at McVeigh’s and saw James and I that night 21 years ago saying our good-nights. Or trying to. 😉 I kept walking and then completely caught my breath… because…

When James was getting really, really sick we talked. And I decided with my love being so sick, he couldn’t do all he wanted to do so… since I had been thinking about doing stand-up for a good year at that point, I decided to jump and I asked friends if I could do a set at their show. They said Yes.

Something I now love to do SO MUCH came from my pain of knowing he wasn’t well. So James… thank you for pushing me. You always knew I could do things I never thought I could do. Thank you so fucking much.

I’m home and it’s 2am and I’m eating McDonald’s and my throat hurts from laughing and singing off-key and I’m so happy.

xo.

some people just can’t handle awesome.

Hello, friend…

I’m feeling a lot better after the shit-show that blew into my love life last week. Still holding onto some anger like I’m continually tucking into a tub of mint chocolate ice cream (my favourite), fully aware there’s a garlic bulb in the middle. (mental note… NEVER, EVER eat that. that sounds fucking disgusting.)

BUT! Yesterday, a co-worker gave it to me simply, she said “this stuff happens to the best of us- some people just can’t handle awesome”.

 

 

I could continue to stew on how this “Twat Waffle” (my beautiful, funny friend Monica gets credit for that one) hurt my feelings, but I’ve got a stand-up set tomorrow night that I need to plan for. I get to go tell jokes, and that is the coolest thing ever. I LOVE that I get a chance to make people laugh! I can use the crap I’ve been through to release my own stress and make people giggle. It’s such a privilege that I get to do this.

So, friend… as Valentine’s Day approaches, keep this in mind if you’re recently single or your road to love has a few more potholes than you’d like it to:

You, my dear ARE awesome.

xo.

images

 

 

choose your own adventure

Hello, friend…

I want to put a thought out into the Universe. In reading Amy Poehler’s book Yes, Please ( a favourite and one I totally recommend) she has a list of things that I copied and put on my wall… “Find a nice boy who is nice to you.”

I am having a hard time with this one. Instead, recently, I found a “nice boy” who made lovely dinner plans with me and gave me his number and pursued me… only to cancel night of said plans and “switch it up” as the kids say, and suggest we go out for drinks with friends. And he spent the night canoodling with another gal and did so directly in front of me for the during of the glass of wine I was trying desperately to chug. I just have to wonder what the pay-off of this was.

Was he expecting a threesome?

Does the man have amnesia?

I really didn’t appreciate the live presentation of “The Better Person’s Guide to Flirting” that was happening right in front of me. So I left. And he was shocked. As a result, I subjected a very kind Uber driver to my weeping – which I tried to keep to a minimum so he didn’t give me a bad rating.

He messaged me endlessly today, wanting to circle back and have said dinner… are you fucking kidding… wait. Maybe he does have amnesia.

(bangs head against wall)

UGH. Okay. I will continue to look for a nice boy who is nice to me, but I’m getting older and tiring easily. Does this ever get easier?? There will be dumb boys, and poor wardrobe choices to impress them, until I come upon someone doesn’t care about that and wants me for me. I don’t know where he is right now, but I hope he’s out there.

xo.

i heard the news today…

Hello, friend…

The news of the world right now, from the U.S. specifically, has just broken my heart to pieces. I’m sad, I’m scared for friends and strangers. That I’m having conversations with my parents about the possibility of a 3rd world war starting… I just can’t even go there now. But we’re having these conversations. My parents are immigrants to Canada, as were their parents. My mom and dad came from England and Latvia, respectively, with their families as WWII had made it unsafe to live in their homelands. My dad came to Canada without his mom and sister, as my Aunt Aija took ill before their boarding of a ship to bring them to Halifax, and traveled to a new land with his dad and step-mom. My mom, Aunt Ruth & late Nanny, Lillian were granted a spot on a ship they weren’t supposed to be on. My parents were very lucky, they arrived in a new land safely and in time, made their mark. I just find tonight, I think of these moments, and my breath gets heavy and I’m terrified to think of what this year will bring.

I don’t mean to be so heavy tonight, but I’m someone who is very sponge like… I absorb (sometimes maybe too much of ) the world around me.

So, in an effort to calm my anxieties of the day, I’m going to share with you my gratitude list. A list of 10 things I am grateful for, no matter how big or how small. Because it helps my heart, to be reminded of the good that I know is always around me.

Kelly’s Gratitude List for 1-29-17

  1. My family
  2. Snowfall
  3. Running into a friend I hadn’t seen in a while on the streetcar
  4. “Sorry” by Justin Beiber (or is it Bieber… I don’t know….)
  5. I get paid to write & I get paid to work in a bakery… #winning
  6. THIS speech (also, my crush on this man just grew 10 times bigger):
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cxbzxs2hMbY
  7. Coffee
  8. A VERY cute guy gave me his phone number this week
  9. The conditioner I bought
  10. Slipper Socks

I know this may seem a bit trivial, but, it helps my heart. I send you a big hug wherever you are.

xo.

 

 

wp_20130818_006 (My mom, seated front row, Montreal – undated.)

fried-day…

Hello, friend…

It’s been an interesting week. I’ve started on a new project, that will take me through the winter months, and it’s not without its challenges. Starting something new never is without its challenges! I’m hoping I will be able to navigate the waters, but this Friday night had me leaving work and crying as soon as the company of the people on my subway had dispersed. Text messages were sent to my brother and a friend, telling them I think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew and maybe I’ll quit. While I can’t get into what exactly I’m working on, needless to say I’m in a spot where I’m taking what I know (writing, being funny, being organized)…and pushing my boundaries.

It’s growing pains, right?

Now, it didn’t help that I had a panic attack yesterday. And there was too much talk about an old flame of mine. And I forgot my hat at home. You know what, yesterday felt like the first time I really bombed while doing stand-up, I lost control off the top of the day (forgetting my hat)… and by the end, I was crying in the bathroom. Wondering what I didn’t get into a “stable” career path.

For someone, such as myself, it’s funny though how much I don’t like stability. I have anxiety, I panic at the drop of (pardon the call-back), a hat. And yet, I use it to my advantage and use it to prove myself wrong… well, I try to. Some days you just gotta ride the inner roller-coaster and accept that using powdered coconut milk in your pancakes for breakfast REALLY was not a good call, Zemnickis. (It really was not. But I now know better for tomorrow’s breakfast.)

ANYWAY. What I’m not doing a great job of today is getting to my point. A simple one.

Last night, friend’s hosted a board games night and I’m blissfully glad I splashed some cool water on my face and headed out the door. I almost turned back home when I got to the subway as I felt my anxiety tap me on the shoulder, but I continued on. Laughter, veggies & dip, and the company of people I adore brought me back to what REALLY mattered that day: My friends. Sharing stories. Kindness.

And then I got a text from a strange man online, asking if we could go for brunch & then have sex! No, strange man, we cannot… but thank you for making me laugh very hard when I needed it.

xo.