balancing act

Hello, friend…

It’s late and I’m just home from work. (One of my many jobs is running the lights and sound at a local comedy club. I guess I was more influenced by a certain In Living Color sketch than I thought. That Hey Mon family, to be specific.) Anyway. On my way home, there was a group of “young people” who decided to start an a cappella version of Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes followed by a dance party as our subway train whizzed uptown. And as I glanced their way every few beats, I had to admire them… not just for their booze-induced relaxation, but for their ability to balance on a moving subway train. I can’t walk and chew gum. I trip in bare feet on a flat surface. I hold a glass of wine with two hands, as if it’s an alcoholic’s sippy-cup.

But the point is, though they were clearly really drunk, they seemed really happy. The night is young! They had places to go; whereas I had a couch and a bar of chocolate to tuck into! (In a few years they, too will see the genius of this.) Happiness is relative, right? We can see people from a distance and feel bad because of reason x, y or z. Friends of late have been thrilled that I’ve been dating someone. A guy I really really like. And I’ve been pretty pumped about it too! I HATE dating…. I hate dating mainly because it seems I only date for research purposes. (Hmmm… perhaps I should start deducting dates for my taxes next year.) It’s like I’m lifting up the proverbial romantic pillow, looking underneath it, wondering if that’s where my future mate might be hiding. Aaaaand… usually finding a dime.

Yes, I’ve been really happy of late. It’s been awesome. And then… I was told a few weeks ago that he’s not looking for a serious relationship, and wants to keep this on cruise control. He tells me this as we’re ordering dinner. Do you know how hard it is to not cry while you’re ordering tacos and you really want to cry?! It’s hard. And I blame my emotions on the fact that I ate what the waitress brought me even though it’s not what I ordered. You know what else I didn’t order?? Getting sent back to the romantic minor leagues. I basically went from a budding romance, to buds who sleep together. And though yes, it’s super fun sometimes to have a friend with benefits… it’s not what I’m ordering anymore. I will happily tell the waitress that this dish was meant for the other table. That one of there, in the corner. That couple ignoring each other… yeah, them.

I know that dating, romance, finding love… it’s all a balancing act. You take a few steps forward, you take a few steps back. But fer crying out loud, Cupid! Can’t you throw me a bow??

xo.

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3 responses to “balancing act

  1. Or is it “Cupid throw me a ‘beau'”? 🙂

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  2. That makes me angry for you! They do that kind of crap at restaurants so you have to keep emotions in check. (jerk.) One time, my highschool girlfriends and I saw something like this at a restaurant. A guy told his girlfriend that she needs to “move out.” and she sat there (and this was a nice restaurant- somewhere you’d go for something special) probably thought he was being romantic or celebrating something else… not that…trying not to cry. It was horrible.

    I didn’t marry my husband until like 33 years old and I remember being in the same boat as you. Yes, it’s nice to have a friend with benefits, but don’t let him suck up all your time that you could be spent possibly meeting someone else while you’re on your journey to find HIM. Seriously, you control that relationship, only seeing him when you want. I started volunteering more, and got out into my neighborhood as much as possible… considered dates with people that I normally wouldn’t date… and guess what, that’s how I met my dude. I gave him a chance and wow! Smartest thing I ever did. will be celebrating 11 year anniversary this month.

    So hang in there! Only see that guy once in awhile to suit your “needs” and concentrate on exposing yourself to new things to expand the opportunity of meeting more people.

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