my first kiss

Hello, friend…

I’m watching the Stevie Wonder special on TV right now, Lady Gaga has just finished rocking out to “I Wish” … and I’ve gotten to thinking about my first kiss. And how I wish it turned out differently.

I was 15 years old. He was older. It was the summertime.

We stood on Queen St W outside of a donut & coffee shop that no longer exists. I likely wasn’t the first girl to have her first kiss on that spot of the sidewalk, I likely won’t be the last one to marvel at the fact that a boy that I liked (a lot) just kissed me. BUT dear lord, did I have to blurt out “I love you” as his lips pulled away from mine?! Could I not have just taken it all in and said something like “Okay, cool.” No. No… I apparently I had to allow those three words to come out of my mouth, the romantic equivalent of a bomb dropping on its unexpected target. This happened almost 22 years ago and yet I can still see his face, and the shock. Oh my jeebsus, the shock. The horror.

Now, it didn’t help that I had a then un-diagnosed anxiety issue. It didn’t help that I was 15. Who the hell knows what they’re doing at 15 when it comes to romance?!

Well, who am I kidding. Maybe we never figure it out completely.

Because of this, it took me YEARS to utter “I love you” again. I was terrified to see that expression again. I felt it with certain guys, but I walked around that phrase as if they were chocolate covered land mines. Sweet, but possibly containing peanuts… so best to be avoided. (I was allergic to peanuts at one point in my life.) And now? Well, now stuff flies out of my mouth with no filter and sometimes it’s worked in my favour… but sometimes it has not.

That’s okay though, it just means that person wasn’t the right guy to receive that particular message. Damn, I wish I knew that then!! I wish I could time travel back to my 15 year old self, bring my finger to her lips and go “Shhh… save this for someone else” just as those three words were about to pop out. But then again… I was just a kid. Those mistakes had to be made. They needed to be made. 😉

Toronto-20120122-00091  xo.

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