beliefs

Hello, friend…

To those who celebrate, Happy Christmas!

I don’t come from a religious family, when my parents got married, my father told the minister marrying them that he “watched that tv show from a Church in California on Sundays” when he was asked what he knew about the Church. So, we don’t often go to Church… not even on Christmas Eve. (We can usually be found at the movies.) BUT! This year, lo and behold, we ended up at Church.

Which is kind of funny, to me at least, given how my year started out.

So, here’s the thing… (deep breath)… When 2014 started, I was dealing with what would be my 1st of THREE bouts of Bronchitis, getting over the Flu and just trying to hold on tight to the new year ahead. And then it happened… I soon found myself at my family doctor’s office, getting a pregnancy test. Yeah, 2014 was looking to be a GONG SHOW.

It would seem that in a little window of healthiness, myself and the five year on & off guy had a rather lovely night before he headed off for a rather long work assignment. (As I’ve previously alluded to, he also works in the TV biz.) And while he was gone, I was not feeling like myself. My body was doing something… different. But rather than panic (I’ve never thought of having children), the strangest thing happened, I was perfectly okay with the idea that I could be pregnant. I didn’t want to tell him until he was back from the work gig, so I just continued on, emailing him, and not raising any flags. After all, the chances of it being positive or negative were 50/50. I could worry or not. I chose not. I’m not one to enjoy bouts of indigestion, but… whatever. On went the big girl pants and I got the pregnancy test.

Now, logic would dictate that being with someone in what you’d call a “friends with benefits” situation for five years (I like to call it my “faux-lationship”) would point to “do not have a baby with this man”. And it wasn’t something I planned on having at all. So when the test revealed we weren’t going to be parents… can someone tell me why I was so sad? I was 100% fully completely sad. Partly because I was somewhat hopeful a bun was in the oven, partly because I knew that what I had with this guy had to end. Clearly something had changed in me.

And the relationship ended in a ball of fire, it really did. Horrible things were said, a box of things I had given him arrived on my doorstep with no note (not that it needed one, it was a rather crystal clear “fuck you”), it was terrible. I did things I shouldn’t have done on my hormonal bender, he said things that were beyond mean to me. If I could go into my time machine and change how it ended, oh how I would. It was messy and gross… but maybe that’s the only way it could end.

So here I was, sitting in a Church on Christmas Eve. Not a place I am usually spotted in. But I try to look at everything as a sign, what the moment is telling me… maybe someone up there was forgiving me, or telling me I need to forgive myself. Let it go, as the song says… I’m not sure yet. What I know for sure though is this, I’m done done done with being a secret relationship (as I was with this guy).

I’m done with being in the relationship equivalent of Monty Python’s “how not to be seen” sketch.

I want a guy who’s proud to be with me and know me. And I don’t know where in the world that guy might be…

Thanks for reading this… I’m off to bed. Santa is comin’… 🙂

xo.

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