the art of learning to say NO.

Hello, friend…

A question. When, in the history of dating, has “I am going to need your phone number for insurance purposes because I’ve been blinded by your beauty” EVER WORKED as a pick up line?!?!?!?

Which guy asked this first? Which girl fell for it? And where are these two people so I can slap them upside the head?!

In the immortal words of Charlie Brown, “Good grief”. To the fellow who asked me this online, no. No you cannot have my phone number for said purposes. Nor can my phone number be had because you lost yours. (AGAIN! Whoever fell for this crap first… I’m going to find you.) Now, as I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten better at saying No… but it’s still something that I can’t say all that easily. My No’s aren’t usually a sturdy NO!, they are more like No? No. Definitely no? Ask me later? Maybe?

Take, for example, the time I dated a chef. Yes! I dated a chef! Do you know how excited I was about this?! I LOVE FOOD. Well, the only thing he ever made me at home was a microwaved pogo stick. And a drink. C’est tout. (And I came to learn after we broke up that he had a thing for PEEING IN SINKS. PEEING IN SINKS!!! WHAT THE HELL?! WHO IS TOO LAZY TO USE A FUCKING TOILET?!) ANYWAY. Back to my point about saying No. He was late getting to work one morning, and asked for $20 bucks to get to the restaurant so he could hop in a cab. I really, really wish I could get into my time machine and say “No, no you cannot have $20 bucks”. But, I did give him the money. And you know what he did right after that? Thank me?

No.

No, he texted me from the cab AND DUMPED ME.

I PAID HIM TO DUMP ME.

And I WISH I could tell you I didn’t go to his restaurant later that day where I paid to have the very yummy french toast he made, but I did. (stupid! stupid! stupid!)

So! Let’s review… in one morning, I paid him to dump me AND make me breakfast.

Good grief. I need to work on this NO business.

xo.

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